Menu Relationship issues
Relationship support from experts and the community
Click is a product provided by OnePlusOne.
OnePlusOne Marriage and Partnership Research is a Registered Charity No. 1087994 and a private company Limited by Guarantee. Registered in England and Wales. Company No. 4133340. All content copyright OnePlusOne © 2017
Why does someone become addicted?
Article

A person with a substance use problem can behave in a way that seems reckless and selfish, causing chaos in their life and the lives of those close to them. If your partner has a substance use problem, it can be very worrying and you may wonder what’s behind the issue.

Addiction isn’t usually a deliberate attempt to behave in a way that is out of control. Often, when someone develops an addiction, it’s an attempt to control how they feel about a situation that feels unmanageable, or to block out thoughts and feelings they find hard to cope with.

Imagine you have had a really bad day. Stress at work, a row with your partner, or money worries may leave you feeling anxious, angry, and sad. Or, perhaps something upsetting in your past still disturbs you when you think about it.

At these times, you might find that drinking, smoking, escaping into the internet, or playing a video game helps you to switch off and relax. For a time, it feels as if your problems have gone away.

Escaping from the real world and forgetting your problems now and then is often OK. For example, a few drinks after work at the weekend can be fun. However, even those feelings of letting go of inhibitions can leave you wanting more… Just check that, whatever it is you are doing to escape, you still feel you can ‘take it or leave it’.

If you feel powerless to deal with problems, you may find you crave more and more of whatever helps you escape instead. Unresolved problems often get worse. You feel trapped and turn more and more to your means of escape. This is when the destructive cycle of addiction can begin.

By this stage it feels like the ‘take it or leave it’ option has gone. Stopping the addictive behaviour is scary because you feel so dependent on it.

Addiction can damage your self-esteem and confidence, leaving you doubting whether you can ever break free and face your problems. The addiction may have caused problems in your relationships. You may feel ashamed to ask for help or be scared that others will refuse to help you. Maybe you feel your life is such a mess that you don’t know where to start making changes.

It might feel like the only choice is to block everything out with the additive behaviour.

Take it step by step – acknowledging that you have a substance use problem is a big first step. If you are experiencing any of these issues and are concerned it may be triggering addictive behaviour, a valuable next step would be to seek advice or support.

Online support, information, and counselling can be very helpful in many cases. However, it may be advisable to seek face-to-face counselling from a specialist agency or via your GP, particularly if:

  • You have a long term addiction problem.
  • You are addicted to drugs or alcohol.
  • Your problem involves cutting or physically harming yourself in some way.
  • You are aware your addiction has been triggered by a traumatic life event.

If you are worried about someone close to you, you may find it helpful to check out Relationship Realities which features real stories by real people who are affected by alcohol and drug use problems.

Issues
Recommended
How addiction affects relationships
A substance use problem often leads to changes in a person’s behaviour that can be damaging to a relationship. They may be emotional and unpredictable. They may feel ashamed or fear the consequences of their addiction being discovered. They will sometimes lie to conceal the true extent of it. Secrecy and deceit can cause a breakdown of trust in the relationship. The partner of the addicted person may feel suspicious of the reasons for their partner’s behaviour. They might also feel confused, scared, or angry at the change in their partner and the unpredictable situation. When I discovered their addiction, the worst thing about it was that I’d been lied to. A partner with a substance use problem may have highs and lows – one moment happy and positive, and the next anxious, irritable, or depressed. They may be preoccupied and pay less attention to their partner. This unpredictable behaviour and mood can often cause arguments. If discussing the problem always leads to an argument, both partners may give up trying to talk, and communication can break down entirely. Then a distance grows between them. There may also be a loss of interest in sex or intimacy. If I try to explain why I started drinking, it turns into a row. It’s easier not to talk to each other at all. However, problematic substance use is not always hidden. Sometimes, someone knows that their partner has a problem but feels they are walking on eggshells as they try to keep the peace. They might also fear that, if they rock the boat, they will drive their partner further into their addiction. Sometimes, people will take on more responsibility in the home, with childcare and finances, to compensate for their partner becoming unreliable. They feel they have to take control of everything and that they have become a ‘parent’ to their partner. Children in the family can also suffer. The parent with the addiction may become withdrawn and lose interest in family activities. Their partner may be distracted because of juggling extra responsibilities. Children are often aware of arguments and tension in the home and feel scared and confused. And, if they get used to seeing addictive behaviour, they may learn and develop similar behaviour themselves. What to do when dealing with a substance use problem Facing up to a substance use problem can feel hard, as it often makes the problem seem more real. But, in a relationship where one person has a problem, both partners may be in denial. If they both feel powerless to make changes, it can feel easier to pretend nothing is happening. The partner may feel ashamed to talk to family and friends about the problem. They may blame themselves or be embarrassed that outsiders will see their partner or relationship in a negative way. They may have been told by their partner not to tell anyone. There are then two people feeling very scared, resentful, and lonely in their own relationship. Talking to an unbiased person outside of your relationship can be a real relief and a step toward change If you are experiencing problems in your relationship that are the result of addiction, it may be worth seeking professional help. Online relationship advice such as our listening room, support, information, and counselling can be very valuable in many cases. If you are experiencing domestic violence or any form of abuse in your relationship or family, seek support from a specialist agency. If the problem is long-term, involves cutting or physical harm, or has been triggered by traumatic life events, you may need to seek face-to-face counselling via a specialist agency or your GP. You may find it useful to look at our article ‘Moving on from addiction as a couple’ Relationship Realities – click to listen to real stories by real people who are affected by alcohol and drug use problems.
Article | addiction, substance abuse
Moving on from addiction as a couple
The first step to moving on from a substance use problem is facing up to things together. When substance use is a problem in your relationship, you both need to take the same first step – you and your partner have to be honest with yourselves and each other that the problem is there. If it feels like the behaviour is just beginning to get out of hand, like drinking too much every Friday night, it may still be possible for the person responsible to try to cut down, particularly with support from their partner. However, if it feels like you are past the ‘take it or leave it’ stage, or communication between you has broken down, it may be time to seek professional advice, information, or counselling. It is often valuable for both partners to seek support. If you are not the partner with the problem, you may wonder why you need counselling. Living with an addicted partner can cause personal stresses and strains. You may have bottled things up, worried that you might upset your partner or make things worse. Counselling provides a safe, confidential space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Attending counselling as a couple can be a great step forward. It can allow space and time for you to be honest with each other about your thoughts and feelings and to deal with problems that may have arisen in your relationship through the addictive behaviour. The counsellor will make sure you both have space to say what you need to say, and will support you in improving communication with each other. Often, one of the biggest hurdles to overcome after a substance use problem is the betrayal of trust. As the partner of an addicted person, you may have been on the receiving end of broken promises before. You may wonder, ‘How can I be certain this time it will be different?’. If the problem was hidden, it may feel harder to trust your partner, and you fear a relapse being kept from you. The partner who has stopped their behaviour may feel frustrated at the lack of trust, wondering, “Will I ever be treated as a responsible adult again?”. It may take time, but you can work together to rebuild trust. Every relationship is different. You should only try these suggestions if you think they might be right for you. Online advice, support, information and counselling can be very valuable in many cases. Sharing your story with the Click community may help you feel less isolated. If you are experiencing domestic violence or any form of abuse in your relationship or family, it would be advisable to seek support from a specialist agency. If the addiction problem is long term or involves drugs, alcohol, cutting or physically harming yourself, or has been triggered by traumatic life events, it may be advisable to seek face-to-face counselling from a specialist agency or via your GP. If you are worried about someone close to you, you may find it helpful to check out Relationship Realities which features real stories by real people who are affected by alcohol and drug use problems.
Article | addiction
Husband had an addiction to transgender
I don’t even know where to start…. It all began on my honeymoon. I found out that my husband had a very ugly past. He had been with over 10 transgender sex workers, frequented gay establishments to have sexual encounters with men anonymously, would use “glory holes” to get off, has multiple accounts on cheating apps as well as transgender for rent apps. He had once posted an ad on Craigslist to try to find someone. He was completely obsessed. This was going on until a couple months before he and I met. Supposedly he has not done or even thought about any of this since we’ve been together. We’ve been together 2 years. We have been talking to a certified sec therapist. This is a sex addiction. And similar to drugs or alcohol addiction this won’t go away. There isn’t a cure. He can learn how to cope and not give into triggers if he’s willing to do the hard work. He has to take a polygraph after his disclosure letter to me. This is all done thru the CSAT. He can’t be trusted. He lied to me from the very beginning of our relationship. I should have knows all of this. Now I am here with him. I uprooted my 4 kids from our home and we have combined our families. He also has 4 kids. This is a complete nightmare.
User article | pornography, affair, addiction
“My husband's drug habits”
My husband is a cokehead and weeder. He always want me join him in snort and puff parties with his gang guys. He is very possessive and jealous of me. I get loose and hormonal when wasted. He gets upset if I flirt around his gang. I would just as soon stay home and sober with my baby. At home, hubby just wants me stoning and huffing before sex at night when he shows him wasted self in our home. He only buggers me up at nights. Morning sex is sober event. He has no problem as well with me sober around home in the daytime. Does anyone have experience or suggestions on how I can stay home rather than follow my hubby's desire to follow him to party time and flying before bedtime at night?
Ask the community | addiction
“I am worried about leaving him”
My fiance and I met about 2.5 years ago and we quickly moved in together - shortly after moving in together I found him cheating several times with several different women. I decided to forgive him because it was still a new relationship and figured he just wasn't invested in the relationship yet. I also found out about drug use and quickly became responsible to take him to doctors appointments and paying for an opiate substitute monthly (which is not cheap). After about six months I got pregnant, we moved closer to our jobs once he got his license (had previously been suspended) and we began arguing everyday about any and everything. Fast forward to our son being born - I had been in labor for about 41 hours before it was go time, which at that point my fiance finally decided to join the room and help out, that evening he cursed me for a decision I had made about our sons care in front of nurses and family and leaving the hospital. We eventually went home after being cleared by the doctors and things seemed great again, and while I was overwhelmed by the flood of people in our home, I felt our relationship was finally in a great place. So, we bought a house together in a great, quiet neighborhood and within a month I became miserable, back to arguing every day, he took my name off of our cars purchased together and has his parents (who financed our home) take the house in their name so I would have no rights to it if I decided to leave. I have tried and tried with this relationship and want it to work for the sake of our child but I also don't want to raise our son in a volatile , argumentative environment - and I am now to the point where I feel stuck - I am not allowed to work because the cars are in his name so I cannot leave without his permission and I live too far from anywhere to walk. He has gone as far as going into my email and replying to jobs I have applied to telling them I am no longer interested... I have family about an hour away I could potentially stay with but I would still be stuck with no car or income of my own which worries me because I would be forced to go to court to fight for custody of our son... I just don't know if avoiding court, and completely restarting by staying here is worth my lack of happiness?
Ask the community | cheating, addiction, breakups
“Partner in rehab”
The man I have loved for seven years and the father of my children is finally getting help. He checked into rehab two days ago. We had been split up for seven months,and the night before he went we spent together. It was one of the best nights of my life. He finally talked to me about his feelings. It was amazing. I had never felt so close to him. So, now I am just kinda confused about what to do.... I miss him dearly. I also know he needs help and it's good for him. Just wish I could have had a little longer with him.... Scared about our future.
User article | addiction
“Issues around drinking”
I've had a relationship with a woman for nine years and we've had our ups and downs. She has had a bad past with alcoholics (exes) so she was very critical on no drinking. After no drinking for over six months, proving it's not a problem for me, she began telling me “if you really want to have some after work please just do it at your house”. I agreed and would have some every now and then. Never getting drunk and no fighting the entire time. We recently got engaged a few months ago and moved into a new house together a few weeks ago. As we were moving in she began buying me beer saying the man of the house should be able to have some socially and after a hard day work. Strangely enough even her ex, with his new woman was allowed to come help us with the move and he was getting drunk on beer at our new home while I sipped some vodka. Everyone having a great time and no problems. A few days ago after a long 12hr day, I came home and had a couple of shots to unwind. Afterward she “finds” the bottle by the back door where I smoke a cig, she gets into my bank account statements and sees i have indeed had drinks at my past home... And gets so furious that I am basically kicked out of the new home without any sit down adult conversation about what the issue is. As it turns out, she says I was supposed to announce to her when i was going to have some, which means to her I was dishonest and lied by keeping it “secret”. Of course, I don't remember being told that and so I'm naturally confused so much about being told I can drink at my own home, and her buying me beer, and even having an ex and family over to the new house drinking, and then being so furious about having a drink when i came home after a long day. Despite an apology for any misunderstanding, and pointing out that if she didnt know, after telling me I could... Then consider the fact that there was no getting drunk and that we never had a problem caused by it for the entire time. She simply says i decieved her and knows about her past. Yet lets her ex come over drinking, and bought me beer??? Not only does this seem like a complete hypocrisy, and feel decieved myself, and even asked for an adult conversation to sort out the misunderstanding, with an apology for such... Its been nothing but a heavy text war. I have no clue on how to proceed with fixing this issue while I feel emasculated left without a home. Even if this is somehow worked out, and come back, it would really feel like my home if I can be kicked out of my own place without the decency to even have an adult discussion. I can't even see where I have done anything wrong, while she demands that I admit my wrong doing. Is there any possible way to proceed to fix this?
User article | arguments, communication, addiction
Alcohol
Is it me?? My partner and I have a 5 month old baby. His binge drinking is a real issue for me, I’ve keep saying I have to learn to live with it. But Saturday night was the final straw for me when returning back home at 11am the next day.
User article | alcohol, addiction
“My wife WhatsApps other men”
My wife has been constantly on her phone messaging other men for about three years now, 8 to 12 hours a day. It all started when she joined a game called coin master. She got involved in the groups via Facebook - her phone was going off every second of the day. We have two kids, boy 5 and girl 3. She started receiving a lot of WhatsApps and talking to men mainly about the game (she said). She was receiving calls in the morning and in the evening and said they were her friends and I should stop going on at her even though she was neglecting the kids. We went on a two-week holiday beginning of August 2019, she was on her phone constantly then a week when we got back - she said she had been invited to a coin master group party. I was very suspicious but in the end I said yes. It wasn't till January 2020 I decided to check her phone (wrong I know). I discovered she had cheated on me twice using party as excuse. I was very hurt and felt so bad as I just didn't know what to believe. We managed to sort it out and move on for a while. She deleted the game and got rid of Facebook. March 2020 she started playing Mafia City and again has not only handed out her number to people all around the world but been receiving dirty pics and possibly landed herself in debt as she has been using her credit card to play this game. When I confront her, she says its none of my business and I can pack my stuff and get out. She has a terrible temper. I've tried to help her to tell me about money lost which is about 8 grand and she claims it's fraud which she won't act on. It's too suspicious as it's apple .com. This time it's worse - texting and playing all through the day and night, does nothing for the kids, rarely speaks to any of us, just smirks at her phone screen. I cant leave as I'm worried for the kids. If she gets them they will not get anything or go out anywhere. She can't even wash their clothes as she's on the phone, or do any of their school stuff. I do everything for them. I've never seen phone addiction so bad. These social media and games can be very dangerous in the wrong hands people, prey on the weak. She even has told people that I attack her to get sympathy or just attention. I'm so lost. I really don't know what to do in this situation. She's becoming so dangerous and will run this family into the ground by end of the year. Any advice?
User article | digital affair, debt, social media, addiction
“Why do I keep hurting her?”
My partner of over 6 years left me two weeks ago having made the decision to end things. She has has been continually hurt by me over the years and this time was the final straw. Only now, having spent two weeks alone I realise just how much love i have for her, and how much pain i have caused because i have been feeling it now. She's been incredible during the whole process and we are still talking everyday, she says she still loves me and does want to come back but doesn't know how to begin to trust me again. Giving her the time she has asked for to concentrate on herself is understandable, but also very hard for me to go through, as i am so scared that the time will lead her to conclude that we shouldn't get back together and work out how we get our relationship back on track. We have discussed me getting counselling about why i did the things i have done with no thought of the impact i have had on her emotions and psyche. in fact, it was her that gave me the link to this site. i've been reading lots of the posts on here, and see the odd sentence or two that makes me pause and think, that sounds like me, or that's what i've made her feel like. I have had a lot of time to think as some shifts at work have been just me on my own. I reflect on how i have behaved, the choices i have made and i hate myself so much for what i have done. I really want to find the help I need, because the things i've done to cause her so much hurt and pain are not the actions of someone who thinks things through. I'm revisiting a counsellor that i began seeing at the start of the year as i gave up alcohol (believed to be the root cause of my terrible decisions). But i've been sober for what will be the whole year when 2019 ends. This last couple of weeks having been the hardest of the whole year to stay sober, and friends are asking, "so when you drinking again?" I tell them i'm staying sober, I told her i would not go back to drink. And i mean it, when i think how much effort it's taken to not cave in to alcohol throughout the year; the only way i have been able to do it, is because I promised her i would not drink again, and i think about how much i love her every time the thought of a real beer or whisky comes to mind.... So why doesn't my brain function when it comes to choosing to message another girl behind her back knowing it would hurt her? why was it so addictive and enjoyable to feel attractive to someone else despite knowing how much it would be hurting her? and continue to do it until she had no choice to leave? Has anyone found a source of counselling about addictive behaviour that isn't necessarily alcohol and drug related? i want to fight for the love of my life, and i want to get the help to understand how to control the way in which i act so headstrong without real thought before acting and doing stupid shit that i regret to the point of some really dark thoughts. Any help, guidance in which way i can turn to improve me will be appreciated and hopefully go a long way in showing the most incredible woman that i do want us to work things out.
User article | breakups, addiction
“When do I cut the cord?”
My boyfriend went on vacation for two weeks with his family. Suddenly I felt so relieved that he was gone. He was playing video games a lot and appearing very addicted and more into them than life itself. We had a lot of arguments about playing a healthy amount and he only resented me for it. I started carrying negativity around with me because of him without even realizing it. I felt like he loved me because of how he’d look at me after a fight - that twinkle and long gaze still in his eyes. I thought he loved me when he’d tell me how beautiful, hot, gorgeous I was and would wrap me in a big bear hug. I thought he’d love me when he’d regularly go grocery shopping with me and help me cook each meal. I felt like we were a real team. However other things can drain even these special moments in a relationship. He would make false promises about when he would be done his game late at night. He would be inconsiderate about me getting my sleep. He didn’t seem that interested about my job and at his worst said, “I don’t know how much longer I can handle being married to a teacher”. He didn’t see me for me anymore. I’d text him things during this vacation that were of interest and when we’d finally talk a few days later he wouldn’t even think to ask about them. He’d also decide to end the conversation when he was ready - this most recent time because he wanted to go and eat snacks. A much more courteous thing would have been to ask if there is anything else I wanted to say or ask if we were done and to set up a follow-up phone call. Nope, just goodbye and that’s that. I’m at the point of not wanting to care anymore but still caring that he has treated me like shit and dragged me through his depression and stress of the last 8-12 months and still is just barely average on the scale of being a considerate boyfriend (in my eyes at this moment). I get together with friends who make me feel much more heard and interesting. They do it by truly listening. They do it by admiring my profession - many of them are in my profession and they understand its meaning and power. I find myself with someone who wants to hide out in the virtual world playing video games, while I’ve been going to work and slaying dragons face to face daily. I told him on the phone today how it felt nice in some ways to be alone because I didn’t have to worry about being disappointed or dishonoured anymore. He just brushed it off as if it was no big deal. He didn’t want to acknowledge the ugliness of his ways. His false promises. I’m stuck thinking about the seemingly perfect guy he was for the first 2.5 years of our relationship who morphed in the past year into someone very reserved, depressed and obsessed with World of Warcraft. I don’t even think it matters now that the obsession is World of Warcraft. I think it could be anything and his value of me would instantly sink to being second on the list. I’m at a point where being single might actually be better and yet I have my hand holding onto this heart that feels so nice to have my ear pressed against. A warm body that feels so good to snuggle. Someone who loves me without makeup and accepts my healthy diet goals and eats the same way. Someone who values meditation as I do. Yet someone who keeps fucking up, acting selfish and immature and not learning from their hurtful mistakes. This vacation came at a bad time where I feel abandoned. He was just starting to make positive changes - he threw out the weed he had secretly been smoking twice a day (sigh), and was doing enemas and the sauna treatments for the healing program he is on but was not doing properly a year ago. I just feel worse after talking to him. I feel like he is an asshole. I actually hate him for all he’s done or hasn’t done. When he is in the apartment with me you let it go. You are kind to the person in front of you. Now that he is gone however, it sits there and I am full of rage for someone who couldn’t understand my values or concerns or worries. I am reminded of how he has made me feel unheard, powerless, as if my job is insignificant and as if I just can’t compete with his hobbies which are clearly so much more interesting if he has trouble pulling himself away from them to interact with me. I am the prize he thinks he has won and suddenly got too lazy to keep happy. He reads all the self-help, deep quotes, and insightful videos I send him and agrees with their messages or says he finds them inspiring. But his words mean nothing now. They mean absolutely nothing. So I look to his actions and feel disappointed. I see the same selfish ways in the little things. “I’m hungry, so I guess we should end this conversation so I can go get snacks”. Lame. When do I just cut the cord, cry over what never was and move on? OR when does he finally find ways to snap out of the depression and become the kind and considerate and present person he once was? I can’t tell if I am a fool for giving up on someone who is about to be spiritually reborn and awaken from the darkness, or if I am a fool for wasting my time in something that was never meant to be.
Ask the community | addiction, communication
Relationship struggle
So my ex girlfriend and I both used drugs together and are both now clean. In a period of 6 months we had moved in together and used together. All we did was fight. She cheated on me at least once I know of. We are still talking via text.She said she wants to start as friends first and go from there. She stopped saying I love u I am the first to reach out.. I told her I'm not texting first anymore so at the end of that day she asked me how my day went. It just doesn't seem like she is very interested I double and triple text. I know that's not good. She doesn't want to talk about the past anymore. I'm just supposed to suck it up. I dk. I am in love and she says she is too but it doesn't feel that way. She wants time to work in herself and I get it. I need to as well. I just don't want to waist any time if there is nothing in the end. Is she just keeping me as an option? What do I do??
User article | addiction
Getting help for alcohol addiction
Article | alcohol, addiction
Comments 2