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“Why do I keep hurting her?”

My partner of over 6 years left me two weeks ago having made the decision to end things. She has has been continually hurt by me over the years and this time was the final straw. Only now, having spent two weeks alone I realise just how much love i have for her, and how much pain i have caused because i have been feeling it now.

She's been incredible during the whole process and we are still talking everyday, she says she still loves me and does want to come back but doesn't know how to begin to trust me again. Giving her the time she has asked for to concentrate on herself is understandable, but also very hard for me to go through, as i am so scared that the time will lead her to conclude that we shouldn't get back together and work out how we get our relationship back on track.

We have discussed me getting counselling about why i did the things i have done with no thought of the impact i have had on her emotions and psyche. in fact, it was her that gave me the link to this site. i've been reading lots of the posts on here, and see the odd sentence or two that makes me pause and think, that sounds like me, or that's what i've made her feel like. I have had a lot of time to think as some shifts at work have been just me on my own. I reflect on how i have behaved, the choices i have made and i hate myself so much for what i have done.

I really want to find the help I need, because the things i've done to cause her so much hurt and pain are not the actions of someone who thinks things through. I'm revisiting a counsellor that i began seeing at the start of the year as i gave up alcohol (believed to be the root cause of my terrible decisions). But i've been sober for what will be the whole year when 2019 ends. This last couple of weeks having been the hardest of the whole year to stay sober, and friends are asking, "so when you drinking again?" I tell them i'm staying sober, I told her i would not go back to drink.

And i mean it, when i think how much effort it's taken to not cave in to alcohol throughout the year; the only way i have been able to do it, is because I promised her i would not drink again, and i think about how much i love her every time the thought of a real beer or whisky comes to mind....

So why doesn't my brain function when it comes to choosing to message another girl behind her back knowing it would hurt her? why was it so addictive and enjoyable to feel attractive to someone else despite knowing how much it would be hurting her? and continue to do it until she had no choice to leave?

Has anyone found a source of counselling about addictive behaviour that isn't necessarily alcohol and drug related? i want to fight for the love of my life, and i want to get the help to understand how to control the way in which i act so headstrong without real thought before acting and doing stupid shit that i regret to the point of some really dark thoughts. Any help, guidance in which way i can turn to improve me will be appreciated and hopefully go a long way in showing the most incredible woman that i do want us to work things out.

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