Understand WHY this is happening Now let’s look at WHY this self-confidence related issue might be happening. It may be that there’s a hidden issue at play – and that’s the first thing we’ll investigate. A hidden issue is the root cause of a problem, one that’s not immediately visible on the surface. Sometimes hidden issues can stay hidden for long periods of time without ever being acknowledged. Press play on the animation below to get started. When you start to dig, here are a few things to bear in mind: It’s worth it Although it might not be pleasant, uncovering hidden issues will make you a little more aware of your own emotions and triggers – we call this ‘emotional intelligence’. Having more emotional intelligence means you’re more likely to have stronger and more satisfying relationships. First look at your childhood Yes, we’re going there… hidden issues are often connected to our parental relationships. This is because our interactions in childhood often forge our emotional associations, which in turn help shape the way we are. Hidden issues can also stem from previous relationships and even friendships.  ‘Digging’ can be emotionally tough In the interactive segment, when Jake looks into his history to find the source of the problem, he’s dealing with some pretty weighty and emotional memories. Fortunately he gets to the root and realises why his lack of confidence has sparked his reaction to Jazz, but that won’t have been easy. This is another reason why talking it through with someone you trust can be helpful.  You don’t have to talk it through Although you’re in a relationship and perhaps quite comfortable with one another, you may not yet feel ready to talk about specific hidden issues with your partner. And that’s okay. You can still make progress. Letting your partner know your hidden issue can help Uncovering and understanding these hidden issues can be helpful for you personally, and it can also mean your partner knows how to be more sensitive towards you. For example, Jazz now knows why Jake is so sensitive to rejection, and she can affirm Jake when he needs it. Of course, that doesn’t mean she should sleep with him every time he wants sex, because she’s free to decline it. It just means finding other ways to communicate this affirmation. This affirmation could be as simple as a few positive words here and there. Eventually, Jazz could even help strengthen his self-confidence and dissolve his fears of rejection.   “What if it’s not me with the hidden issue, but my partner?” For someone to expose a hidden issue, they need to dig into their own past and their own experiences. It could be very difficult and potentially damaging to try and do this for someone else. Instead, you can support them when they are ready for some help. If you’re close to them, they may have already told you bits and pieces about their history, so you can be valuable in their process. But it is their process, so it’s generally better for them to approach it in their own time and at their own pace.  When you’re done with hidden issues, you can move on to the next page – which is the very practical bit.

Learn HOW to deal with it Now that you understand a little about why these self-confidence issues keep popping up in your early relationships, you can do something about them. We’ve created vicious cycles, a short interactive exercise for you to play with. It explains how we’re all wired and how our emotions, thoughts, and behaviour are connected. It will help you to learn how to break free of negative and unhelpful relationship patterns. As you’ve just seen, one of the most practical things you can do to alter a situation is to change your thoughts. By changing your thoughts, your feelings and behaviour will follow, and this can influence the whole relationship.   So let’s see where you can start to adjust your thoughts. Think about what you’re struggling with at the moment. Try not to think about numerous issues at once, but rather, focus on a single one that’s particularly bothering you in your relationship right now. Now, consider your actual thoughts on that issue. They might look something like this:  “She gets quite bossy, and it makes me feel small”. “I get really nervous in the bedroom – I still have no real idea what I’m doing”. “I’m a bit younger and I think she wants someone mature”. “My partner is quite critical of me”. Change the thought Here are a few examples of how you can change a thought, which can start to affect the whole cycle. Challenge the thought We’ve already said that changing a thought can affect the entire cycle of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. But sometimes, the thought doesn’t even need to be changed; it just needs to be challenged. Sometimes our thoughts can be illogical or inaccurate. If you have ever thought to yourself “I’m not good enough” (and who hasn’t, at some point?), then you’ll know that changing that thought is going to be difficult because, ultimately, it comes from a place of insecurity. But you can challenge it, and this might start with asking yourself a few questions, such as: Challenging your thoughts is a positive step towards increased emotional intelligence. Remember, the easiest way to change your feelings and therefore your behaviour is to first challenge the thought – this is likely to have the positive knock-on effect that you need.  And finally… Because thoughts and feelings often pop up like reflexes, it’s sometimes a good idea to withdraw mid-flow. This helps to stop the vicious cycle while you pull back and reassess your thoughts. By changing your thoughts, you may even find yourself reversing the cycle into a positive one right there and then. So the next time you find yourself in a situation where emotions have run away with you, or you’re behaving in a way that is unhelpful, try to harness the thought. Challenge it, change it if you can, and then see what happens.