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Self-confidence – part 2
in Unpack the issue: self-confidence

Understand WHY this is happening

Now let’s look at WHY this self-confidence related issue might be happening.

It may be that there’s a hidden issue at play – and that’s the first thing we’ll investigate. A hidden issue is the root cause of a problem, one that’s not immediately visible on the surface. Sometimes hidden issues can stay hidden for long periods of time without ever being acknowledged. Press play on the animation below to get started.

When you start to dig, here are a few things to bear in mind:

It’s worth it

Although it might not be pleasant, uncovering hidden issues will make you a little more aware of your own emotions and triggers – we call this ‘emotional intelligence’. Having more emotional intelligence means you’re more likely to have stronger and more satisfying relationships.

First look at your childhood

Yes, we’re going there… hidden issues are often connected to our parental relationships. This is because our interactions in childhood often forge our emotional associations, which in turn help shape the way we are. Hidden issues can also stem from previous relationships and even friendships. 

‘Digging’ can be emotionally tough

In the interactive segment, when Jake looks into his history to find the source of the problem, he’s dealing with some pretty weighty and emotional memories. Fortunately he gets to the root and realises why his lack of confidence has sparked his reaction to Jazz, but that won’t have been easy. This is another reason why talking it through with someone you trust can be helpful. 

You don’t have to talk it through

Although you’re in a relationship and perhaps quite comfortable with one another, you may not yet feel ready to talk about specific hidden issues with your partner. And that’s okay. You can still make progress.

Letting your partner know your hidden issue can help

Uncovering and understanding these hidden issues can be helpful for you personally, and it can also mean your partner knows how to be more sensitive towards you. For example, Jazz now knows why Jake is so sensitive to rejection, and she can affirm Jake when he needs it. Of course, that doesn’t mean she should sleep with him every time he wants sex, because she’s free to decline it. It just means finding other ways to communicate this affirmation. This affirmation could be as simple as a few positive words here and there. Eventually, Jazz could even help strengthen his self-confidence and dissolve his fears of rejection.  

“What if it’s not me with the hidden issue, but my partner?”

For someone to expose a hidden issue, they need to dig into their own past and their own experiences. It could be very difficult and potentially damaging to try and do this for someone else. Instead, you can support them when they are ready for some help. If you’re close to them, they may have already told you bits and pieces about their history, so you can be valuable in their process. But it is their process, so it’s generally better for them to approach it in their own time and at their own pace. 

When you’re done with hidden issues, you can move on to the next page – which is the very practical bit.

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