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Debt and relationships – real stories, animated

My husband and I made the decision to separate late last year and have recently moved out. He has now needed to leave town for work. Our separation came at the end of a long relationship that began 14 years ago (at 16 and 25) and has putted along, not altogether unhappily but with discontent and basically living completely separate lives for the last 5 or so years. We have one child together who is intense behaviourally and he has not been supportive of my struggles with her, so I have worked part time and managed her as best I can while he has worked full.time and pursued his own interests and hobbies at leisure, never feeling that time at home or helping with our child should be prioritised. Last year it culminated in him travelling overseas several times alone and having a relationship there which has now ended. I see this as the catalyst for ending our relationship but not necessarily the whole reason - none of it would have happened if we were happy together. I don't feel as though we have ever been able.to bring out the best in each other. When he first wanted to separate, I was sad (mainly for our daughter) but worked through those feelings, developed peace with the situation and our need to separate and some months later (officially separated but still under the same roof) very tentatively began a new relationship. After this started he backflipped and said he wanted to be back together. He thinks that he is ready to change. The relationship has been up and down basically since the beginning and I honestly feel like the best thing for both of us would be to peacefully and amicably let it go and work on reconnecting him as a parent. I am ok with the whole thing - a little sad but also excited about rediscovering old hobbies, making new friends, starting a new job and seeing how my very cautious new relationship develops now I am living alone (well, with my daughter). He is not emotionally expressive like me, is holding on to a lot of regret and sadness and is really struggling. I am really worried that he won't be ok on his own, and I still care about him deeply and this hurts me a lot. I guess what I want to know is: How do I know if we have made the right decision? Should I get back with him again, do heaps of counselling and really, really try to make it work (obviously ending the new relationship I have begun, which I would struggle with at this point) for his sake and for our daughter? My gut feeling is that if we did this we'd just be delaying the inevitable. If not, how do I help him move on from the relationship? We obviously are still communicating because of our daughter. And how do I go forth and be happy with someone new when I can't shake the feeling I've left a trail of heartbreak behind me? I know this is too long (and yet still so much is left out)! I don't really expect anyone to have the answers but any ideas or experiences would ve helpful. Thanks :)

User article | breakups, marriage, divorce, parenting apart

Narcissists and marriages

Hi. I'm new on here and have so many questions about this topic. I know with marriage you need to be a team to make things work. But recently I was kicked out because I did not want to cut my hours of work because we do not have part time hours and let him claim my kids and I because I make good he told me if I wasn't willing to change and think about his paycheck so he can pay bills then I need to leave. Now yesterday he told me we need to see a male counselor for couples and try to make things work for him. Not my kids or even us just himself. There were times before where I had he has kicked me out before and I always went bac.. this time I don't know what to do I'm lost. I feel like maybe I am the one who is at fualt but I have recently learned about narcissist people. He does show a lot of red flags in our relationship. Like blaming me for everything that goes wrong for him or he will tell me that I'm the one that needs to be fixed because I'm the problem and as soon as I see someone to help me get fixed we can work things out. He is mean to my 12 year old daughter and doesn't even bother paying attention to our 5 year old son. I'm lost at to do I love him I don't want to put him before my kids. Please someone help?

User article | marriage, breakups, counselling

“Having an affair but can't leave marriage”

I really need someone to put my life back on track, to turn me back into the mother and wife I once was... a year ago, all that matters to me was my family whom I took pride in and would do a lot for them without expecting anything in return. After all, love is unconditional and as a mother, its my job to love, care and protect them. I didn't even ask a lot from my husband nor did he expect a lot from me. We were just in a good marriage, hardly any arguments between us and we took pride in our parenting and are proud of our beautiful, bright children. It all started when a single dad at school confessed to me that he finds me attractive and admitted fancying me for a while. It all came as a big surprise to me as I do not expect a mum like me to still have "admirers". Although I turned him down but since then my confidence grew and I started enjoying the fact that I can still attract male attention. Six months ago, I met William. I was very much attracted to him, physically and sexually. We started off texting back and forth, first with light and gentle flirting. We met up for a few drinks now and again and have a good time laughing and flirting. Then it soon developed into a bit more and more and then more. I am not one into casual flings or reckless, irresponsible behaviour but then suddenly before I realise, I found myself having an affair with William. A proper full blown affair. By the time I asked myself "what have I done?", it was too late. I have already slept with him. I know it was all principally and morally wrong. I know I have done something very bad and my husband would not forgive me if he knows what had happened. I asked myself what do I want from this relationship with William? Is it just purely for sex? Physically, we both look good together and we are both in lust with each other although William said its not just about that. He said he cares about me and wanted to see me every weekend. He kept telling me he misses me whenever he is not with me and he would send me daily texts messages which were all very sweet to read. I thought I was falling for William because I can't get him out of my mind and I really love being with him. I am so attracted to him that no one else can catch my attention because my heart and mind is just set on him alone. The problem is I can't seem to leave my marriage because I don't want to break my family apart and let my kids and husband down. What I have is beautiful and to destroy it could be the biggest mistake and regret in my life. Yet I can't stop contact with William no matter how hard I tried, I always ended up going back to him again and again. It is like an addiction. Maybe I am in love with him but I am just in self denial. Although William has told me he loves me but he doesn't convince me enough that our relationship has a future. Although I can see myself (on my own) with him but I can't see my children in the picture. William is a single guy, still living a bachelor life and there is no way he would swap his convertible two seater sports car into a family car. Everything in his life is that of a bachelor; even his bachelor pad is so unchild-friendly and immaculate that I can't even imagine my kids sitting on his leather creamy sofa. I can't even see him swapping his bachelor pad to a family home. All signs are telling me is I am a "current" girl he is currently seeing until he finds himself a single girl he is willing to settle down with. I have somehow raised that issue in a joking way with him and of course he denied it. I didn't press him more because I don't want to spoil the fun between us. Also I felt I have no right to press him for commitment when I myself am still married. He did say to me before that I should make my mind up on what I want in life or with my relationship and he is jealous to imagine sharing me. There is no sharing. I have become even more emotionally and physically detached from my husband. Thinking back over the years, we have grown apart emotionally and intimately. There is hardly any connection between us and I am no longer attracted to my husband in a sexual way. No matter how I want to try with him again but I just couldn't find myself interested in the whole idea. I think its because I am so distracted having William around. Sooner or later this is going to come out and my husband will find out what I have been doing. I really have to decide what I want in life but at the moment its nearly like saying wanting to have the cake and eat it. In my dream, if I can, I would just walk away from my marriage and start a new life with William but I cant leave my children behind and it pains me to imagine letting my husband down because it would be a blow to him. It would kill him if I leave. Also, is William the kind of guy who is worth sacrificing for? That question has been hanging on my head. If I leave my marriage for a guy who is worth every tear and pain and manage to have a good relationship and lead a happier life with.... that would be beautiful but William might not be worth the sacrifices. Should I confront William and ask him to be honest with me on what he wants? He got to give me some kind of commitment. Part of me thinks if he can't commit on a long term thing with me and include my kids in, then he is a waste of time and effort. He is just not worth it. But to raise all these with him mean potentially I am at risk of losing the fun I can have with him. And if he said yes he is ready to commit, do I really have the heart and courage to leave my marriage and tear all their world apart? Please please please have anyone been through similar experience or can someone wake me up?

Ask the community | sex, cheating, marriage

“Husband always breaks and loses things!”

My husband and I have only been married for a year, but we are having some real problems already. He is great around the house and helping with our new baby but he literally breaks or loses something nearly every day. It's getting to a point where I am getting so stressed and upset when I have to replace yet another thing we can't afford (or go without) that it's making me ill. I am at my wits' end and have no idea how to help him take better care of things. I have tried talking to him about it and emphasising the importance of looking after possessions. It's not even just his own things he loses and breaks. It's the children's things – phones, wallets, money, keys, clothes. The list is endless. He also broke our bed, computer, camera, loft door, etc. I have no doubt that each time it has been accidental, but it is getting me so down I have even thought of leaving at times. I don't want that at all as we do love each other and have a lot in common. I know he doesn't value material things as much as I do and I wonder if this is a subconscious thing, but I need some kind of advice and solution suggestions. Please help, I can't afford to carry on like this... literally!

Ask the community | marriage, new parents

Unhappy but scared of being alone

Article | breakups

“I dumped my girlfriend and I miss her”

This probably sounds weird. 3 weeks ago I split up with her. At the time I was so sure about splitting up and the reasons behind it. Her behaviour was controlling toward me. Using her past against me. Example: I shouted whilst we were arguing. She left the room. Came back a few hours later and told me because she was in an abusive relationship she felt she had to leave. She speaks down to me which i really hated. Always got to win the argument even to the point of screaming and shouting at me and saying i made her feel bad. I was miserable in the relationship for the last year or so. But felt that I couldn't break it off with her. I did try to talk to her but she always seen it as me being critical of her. I felt as though I couldn't do anything good. But I miss her really badly. I just don't know what to do.

Ask the community | breakups

“Separation after 23 years”

My husband of 23 years has moved home to his parents' house. He’s angry at me because I haven’t contributed financially to the home and bills. When he first left he said, show me some small income and I’ll come home. Now he’s talking divorces. I have a small child to look after. Why is he so angry?

User article | breakups, divorce, finance

If trust was broken by a previous partner

Article | breakups, trust, YPc

“Marriage breakup”

My husband of 15 years left me two months ago. Our relationship hasn’t been great and bad the last two months prior to him leaving. I love him so very much and want him back. Should I just give up? He keeps telling me he’s moved on and accepted we are over but gets jealous if I go out and wants to know who I am with. We have two children who are struggling to cope with their father home. I just want to try and fix this mess and get him back.

Ask the community | breakups, big changes

Separating from a pregnant partner

If you and the mother of your child have separated, you might be worried about what time you’ll get to spend with your child. If the relationship between you and your ex is volatile, you might not be able to hold a conversation long enough to discuss joint childcare arrangements. Why do I feel scared about this? There a few reasons you might feel this way: If you’ve recently separated, emotions will be running high and everything can be quite intense. It’s common to be overwhelmed, and this could be affecting your worldview. You may have heard stories of other dads not getting the chance to play a part in their children’s lives after a separation. 13% of non-resident fathers say they have no contact and never see their child [1], and this is a frightening statistic for expectant dads contemplating a separation. You might worry that you don’t have as many legal rights as your partner, or that they will move on with someone new who could take on a parenting role with your child. How can I help the situation? If your partner is angry and doesn’t want anything to do with you, first let the dust settle. Give her with space, and respect the decisions she makes for your child. The law will always favour your child’s needs, so the best thing you can do is demonstrate that you will be a positive influence in your child’s life. When the time is right, you could talk with her about doing a parenting plan, to make decisions and plans while focusing on the best arrangements for the baby. Research suggests that even though regular face-to-face meetings are most ideal, frequent contact by phone or email can make up for distance from your child [2]. Although this kind of contact may not be ideal, it should enable you to maintain your parent-child bond. This is particularly good news if you live in a different location to your partner and your child. If your partner ends up blocking you from seeing your child, then you may need to go down the legal route. While the courts recognise the importance of the mother in the very early years, there is no gender bias. Researchers from the University of Warwick found that fathers applying for child contact had been “overwhelmingly successful” and that dads fared just as well as mums when making contact applications [3]. References [1] Eloise Poole. (2013). What do we know about non-resident fathers? Retrieved from Modern Fatherhood: www.modernfatherhood.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Briefing-paper-Non-resident-fathers.pdf [2] McGene, J. and King, V. (2012) Implications of New Marriages and Children for Coparenting in Nonresident Father Families. Journal of Family Issues, 33(12), 1619–41. [3] Warwick University (2015). Study finds English and Welsh family courts not discriminating against fathers. Retrieved from: http://www2.warwick.ac.uk/newsandevents/pressreleases/study_finds_english/

Article | breakups, contact

I want out

Ok...me and my significant other have been together nearly 5 years we don't do shit together don't sleep together barely have sex always argue there's no happiness anymore my daughter's adore him but I want to leave what should I do

User article | breakups

“Falling for someone else”

I’ve been in a relationship for around eight years. I love my partner but for the last six months or so I haven’t felt like I’m in love with her – we just feel like housemates. Our sex life has dropped right off, we just aren’t as intimate in general any more, and when we are it’s planned. There’s no spontaneity. That thing has just gone. We don’t really fight but when we do I always find it’s me trying to end the fights. I love her but definitely feel like I’m not in love with her anymore. There’s a girl I work with that I really hit it off with as soon as we met. Nothing was said for ages but you could cut the tension with a knife. Since then we have started talking a lot and really developed feelings for each and spoken about it. It’s made me really think that my current relationship is definitely over but I’m so confused. I’ve told my partner that I think I want to leave and that I’m not in love with her. Then got sad sitting around at home alone and we decided to work on things. The girl at work and I decided to cut things off until I work my things out and now I feel like I’m going through two breakups at once. I’m so confused, upset and anxious about everything and don’t know what to do. I feel like my relationship is definitely done but I’m so scared to end it. What if I’m making the wrong decision and blinded by love for someone else? Any advice please.

User article | breakups, emotional affair

“She dumped me but I like her so much”

I have been seeing a girl for a couple of months and the relationship started off rocky. She spent a couple of days at mine, I spent a couple at hers. We had full-on weekends a few times and we already went on holidays together. She has to move abroad for work and unfortunately I cannot follow her. This is where the relationship started to get bad. Because of the move, she has a lot things going on. The plan was for me to come to visit her twice a month and then eventually follow her. However she preferred to end the relationship yesterday. She cannot cope with the move and the commute to come to my place. I have been feeling very sad and beat down since yesterday. I struggle to come to terms with the fact she's leaving me.

Ask the community | breakups, long distance

The leaver and the left

Article | breakups, big changes

Pregnant and splitting up

If you’re pregnant and going through a separation, you might be worrying about how the breakup will affect your child. Stress One of the things you might be thinking about is how the stress of separation or divorce might affect your baby’s development in the womb. Research has found that relationship strain during pregnancy appears to be linked to negative cognitive and behavioural development in children [1]. If separation is the right thing for you as parents, it’s possible to minimise the stress and remain supportive to each other. This might be very difficult, especially if there are unresolved issues between you but, by being reasonable, rational and respectful, it is possible. Take your time to talk through a plan of action. If you decide to stay together, talk to your partner about how you can help reduce stress during the pregnancy. Maybe take up some light exercise together, or practice some yoga designed for pregnancy. If you do have arguments, take the calm and collected approach. If things get heated, take a break and return to the issue when you feel calmer. A two-parent family You may want your child to be brought up by two parents, especially if you were raised by both parents and want your child to have a similar upbringing. Some studies have found that children in two-parent homes are less likely to grow up in poverty [2], and are also less likely to develop emotional problems [3]. But, single-parent families are becoming more common and there is lots of support available for single parents. The number of lone-parent households in the UK grew steadily from 1.8 million in 2003 to nearly 1.9 million in 2013 [5]. While some research suggests that children in single-parent families have poorer outcomes, other research shows that, when it comes to their overall happiness, family composition doesn’t really matter [6]. It’s the quality of the relationship you have with your child that counts. If you stay with your partner, talk about how you want to raise your child. You both may have different ideas of what family life will be like. Take the time, hear each other out and make compromises where you can. Adjustment You may have been brought up in a single-parent household and found it hard to adjust to life. You may have witnessed conflict between your separated parents and, at times, may have felt caught between the two. A poll of 500 young people found that one in three felt that one of their parents had tried to turn them against the other during the breakup [4]. If your own upbringing in a single-parent household was difficult, it’s understandable that you wouldn’t want your child to go through a similar experience. It’s important to nurture a good co-parenting relationship with your ex-partner. A good place to start is to seek mediation or create a parenting plan so you can agree on how you will raise your child. References [1] Bergman K., Sarkar P., O'Connor T.G., Modi N., Glover V. (2007). Maternal stress during pregnancy predicts cognitive ability and fearfulness in infancy. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. 2007 Nov; 46(11):1454-63. DOI: 10.1097/chi.0b013e31814a62f6 [2] Gingerbread (2018). Single parent statistics. Retrived on 07 June 2024 from: One-in-four-a-profile-of-single-parents-in-the-UK.compressed.pdf (gingerbread.org.uk) [3] Parry-Langdon, N. (2008). Three years on: Survey of the development and emotional well-being of children and young people. Office for National Statistics [4] Office for National Statistics (2013). Families and Households: 2013. Retrieved from http://www.ons.gov.uk/ons/rel/family-demography/families-and-households/2013/stb-families.html [5] The Parent Connection. Children in single parent families no less happy than those in two parent households. Retrieved from: http://theparentconnection.org.uk/blog/children-in-single-parent-families-no-less-happy-than-those-in-two-parent-households [6] The Parent Connection. 1 in 3 young people say one parent tried to turn them against the other during divorce. Retrieved from: http://theparentconnection.org.uk/blog/1-in-3-young-people-say-one-parent-tried-to-turn-them-against-the-other-during-divorce

Article | breakups, pregnancy

My wife is still in contact with her ex

My wife and I have been together for 18 years and married for 5 years. We've had fights regarding her ex occasionally throughout the years. She is still in contact with her ex, which bothers me a lot. In the first few years of the relationship, she kept sending him messages and flirting with him. I found out and told her it was not right. She told me she would stop doing it. We were young. I didn't know how to deal with it and honestly I didn't care or love her as much at that time. She told me she had very happy but also bad memories of her ex, which sometimes still ache her heart when thinking about it. She said she wanted to let go of the memories. After we got married, I asked her if she could stop contacting her ex. She refused and said they were just friends and did nothing wrong. They grew up together and he understands her so well - she doesn't want to lose a good friend. She thinks that I am too sensitive and there is really no need to start a fight because of her ex. Plus she said she married me because I didn't mind she is still friends with her ex and I accepted her past. Recently, I found out that she has been using her ex’s name as her password for a bank account. She said it’s easier for her to remember it. We had a big fight again. I’m so tired of this already. I don’t know how to resolve the problem. I feel that my wife is not 100% loyal to me. She said she doesn’t want to forget the memories of him. Could anyone help me? What should I do or how can I change my mindset of not being so sensitive?

User article | marriage, ex-partner, trust

I am stuck

Please answer my question. I know it's long but I am really in a very bad situation. I am a girl. I love a guy and he also loves me but he is in a relationship since 2 years with another girl. We all three know each other. Actually me and the guy came into contact because of our work and then we became very good friends and also started our business together. He was in a relationship and I was also in a relationship. Then i went through a breakup. At 1st we were very good friend and her girlfriend is also like a friend only but not as close as the guys was to me. Me and the guy are very much compatible with each other in every aspect even our career goals are also similar, our caste is also same (in our areas caste matters a lot) and I believe compatibility is a big factor for having feelings for each other and also proximity because of our work. It happens 5 months after my breakup (which was amicable), I got the hint that the guy is having feelings for me which he told me indirectly but i told him that i will never see you from that perspective as i was decided that i am never going to like a guy who is committed and also for other reasons. But later I fell for him and talked to him directly, we both confessed our feeling for each other. We both love each other so much. But later I realised that I confessed assuming that since he can like me even being in relationship it means he don't have feelings for her now so if he will know that I also like him he will breakup with that girl. And he never thought this kind of situation would arise because he thought I could never like him as I made it clear to him earlier. Now we are stuck in a situation where our work is involved. We both are co-founders of a 3 co-founding member organization and that girl is also doing volunteering with our organization. I also had good relations with her. They both are from different caste but the guy committed her to marry her way before he knew me and now his girlfriend do not want to breakup with him even though she knows about us, she is saying she will do something if he won't marry her and she has also conveyed the same thing to her family as her family used to be against their relationship because of their caste but now because of the girl's behaviour they are convinced and it is creating a pressure for this guy, he is stuck. Another problem is that a similar kind of situation happened with the girl's elder sister, she got married with a guy who was already married but they came to know about it just after marriage, so they divorced and she is married to someone else now but because of this case her family is scared that it might repeat with this girl also. I am also stuck because we know that we are perfect for each other but he is scared that if breakup with her she commit something bad it will ruin everyone's life including our family. And if he do not choose me then it will be very painful for us because we are in love at the same time it will affect our work/career because I feel like if he won't choose me I won't be able to be in contact with him which will cost our organization. He has requested me that if I don't choose you because of the situation, at least let's maintain our friendship as you are like my strength and I can't behave like that I don't know you and also because of our work but i think even if i try i won't be able to fulfill his this request if he won't choose me. Additionally, I am also getting pressure from my family because of my age but I am feeling stuck. I also feel guilty for that girl because i knew they were in relationship but I still have strong feelings for me and he also. Me and that guy is so stuck that it feels like our life will be ruined as everything is at stake from career to family.

User article | emotional affair, future planning, marriage, work

I love another woman

I am a married man, I have a wife and 2 teens. I’ve been married for over 15 years now. My wife is a good mom, but her lack of drive for success, and the mentality of being a housewife has turned me off for many years now. I’ve had a conversation with her about 7 years ago about going out there and getting her degree to challenge herself and help the family financially, I was always met with negative responses. Asking her to get a job was somewhat insulting to her and she tends to tell me I’m to blame for because I don’t like the jobs she applied to (they were not worth the time for the money) and she refused to get a job at decent places with good benefits (like Walmart or Aldi). In any event, through the years I’ve grown professionally and financially with very little financial input from her. I’ve taken care of her parents abroad as well as mine and I feel like I’ve just been a cash cow for everyone. I’ve had numerous discussions with her about my feelings and she finally decided to go out there and get a degree (because she senses I'm going to leave her) which I’m helping pay for, but for many years now I have not been connected to her emotionally, I don’t love her anymore and many things happened between us and her family where she didn’t back me up and chose her family instead. I am only married to her because of my kids. The sex is there just to take care of our needs, we don’t even kiss. During the pandemic I started trying to improve on one of the 4 languages I speak. I met someone on a language app, we started talking, very quickly moved to video conversations and we both started developing feelings. We share many goals, aspirations, and she is the complete opposite of my wife in so many levels which just draws me to her even more. She is also married. We’ve been romantically talking for 4 years now online consistently. Her husband is a macho guy who wants her as a maid essentially, she is putting her self through school with the help of her grandfather (who dislikes her husband) and is on her way to becoming a lawyer this year. I love everything about this woman. We met in person (I had a work trip to her country). We had great conversations and made love, I felt so at home with her I couldn’t believe it. I have never felt so happy in my life, never felt like this with my wife. She has never asked me for a nickel, and she’s helped me in some many ways, I feel like a different man with her. We both want out of our marriages, but I’m afraid of hurting my kids (16 and 13) and disrupting their lives. She is willing to leave her husband for me, she too has a kid (8 years old). I also don’t want to hurt my wife, I don’t love her but I don’t also want to hurt her self esteem and she also cannot support herself financially yet as she is in school till 2024 and working 1 day week for now. She knows I don’t love her like the first day we got married, we talked about it, tried working on it for a few years but it’s no use. We are both in our 40s and I am not happy with her and I feel I’d be giving up my own happiness if I don’t pursue my life with the other woman whom I love. I also feel my wife deserves to be loved, by someone who truly feels for her, not me. I don’t know what to do.

User article | marriage, affairs, affair, divorce, love