Most new dads are aware of the responsibilities that are coming their way well before the baby is born. But, unfortunately, not all of them step up to the plate when the times comes. If your baby’s dad isn’t helping out, three things can happen: The baby can miss out on vital care. Your partner can miss opportunities to bond with the baby. You might feel let down and resentful. Your partner might assume that his role is to provide for the family, and not necessarily to offer care [1]. By putting food on the table, and clothes on backs, he may feel that his job is done, leaving the nurturing side of things to you. If his parents followed a similar family structure, he may be influenced by his own upbringing. The support that parents offer each other is at its strongest during birth, and then steadily drops for both mothers and fathers. Fatigue and tiredness probably have a part to play in this, and it’s quite likely that this time will not accurately represent the supportiveness that you normally show each other in your relationship. Most couples return to their standard level of supportiveness within a year of the baby being born [2].   Boosting the bond  If your partner has embraced the provider role and not the carer role, it might be helpful for him to try and bond more with your baby. If he bonds with the child early on, he’s more likely to develop a stronger attachment, which can encourage him to play more of his caring role. Try to provide regular opportunities for him to bond – feeding times, going for walks, and skin-to-skin contact are all great ways to support this. The more the father engages himself during the delivery and postnatal period, the stronger will be his attachment to the baby [1]. It might be worth having a conversation with your partner and asking him how he sees his role. Be sensitive in your approach – he may not feel he’s neglecting the caring aspect of fatherhood, or he may feel that you don’t appreciate how hard he works to be the provider. Lead with how you feel and how it appears to you, rather than throw any accusations. Use “I feel” more than “You make me feel”. Ask him about his expectations of fatherhood: What did he expect it to be like? Is it what he imagined? What could you do to make him feel more involved? Does he feel like he’s connecting with the baby? Explore these questions together and see if you can start to find some solutions together. References  [1] Plantin, L., Olukoya, A. and Ny, P. (2011) Positive Health Outcomes of Fathers’ Involvment in Pregnancy and Childbirth Paternal Support: A Scope Study Literature Review. Fathering: A Journal of Theory, Research, and Practice about Men as Fathers, 9(1), 87–102. [2] Howard, K. and Brooks-Gunn, J. (2009) Relationship Supportiveness During the Transition to Parenting Among Married and Unmarried Parents. Parenting, 9(1–2), 123–42.

Dads can often be unsure of their roles during the pregnancy and birth. With the bulk of the attention understandably on the mother, the father can sometimes feel like a bit of a bystander. Feeling unsupported If this reflects your experience, you might be wondering when you will start to get the attention and support you need. You might feel this way because you aren’t letting people know you need support. Friends and family will often show their support to those who appear most in need. If you don’t appear to be in need, people often assume you’re OK. According to research, women are less likely to face this problem because they tend to tell people what kind of help they need: Males are more likely than females to deal with their problems privately.  Males were more likely to find it difficult to discuss their problems with friends. Both men and women believe that men find it more difficult to talk and express their emotions than women do [1]. Leaning on friends and family If you’ve got friends or family members who support you, it might help to lean on them during this time. If you need specific things, just ask. They might be looking for ways to help and just not know what you need. Or they may assume that you’re OK because you’ve not said anything. Although your partner went through the pregnancy and birth, you were there too and your role as a father deserves celebration and support. Join in the celebration of your own role, even if others aren’t acknowledging it. It’s very important that you feel free to embrace your fatherhood at this early stage [2]. So, challenge any thoughts that make you feel secondary or less important. Your role is just as vital. References [1] Ramm, J., Coleman, L., Glenn, F. and Mansfield, P. (2010) Relationship Difficulties and Help-Seeking Behaviour – Secondary Analysis of an Existing Data-Set. One Plus One: London [2] Marsiglio, W., Lupton, D., & Barclay, L. (1998). Constructing Fatherhood: Discourses and Experiences. Contemporary Sociology, 27(6), 590. doi:10.2307/2654239

If your partner has high expectations of you as a new father, it can put a lot of pressure on your journey into parenthood. High expectations Sometimes people expect their partners to make them happy. This is a lot of responsibility for one person, and it can become a heavy burden. If you’ve experienced that kind of pressure from your partner, you might also have experienced a sense of failure when they become disappointed or unhappy. So, when you consider the lifelong journey of parenthood, you may worry that expectations of being the perfect father and the perfect partner are just too heavy to bear. The truth is that you alone can’t make your partner happy. As each of you invests love and effort into the relationship, you can certainly contribute to each other’s happiness but, ultimately, each person is responsible for managing their own happiness. It might be helpful to talk this through with your partner and explain that you feel this sense of pressure and expectation. Open your sentences with, “I feel” rather than, “You make me feel”. Try to refrain from criticising or attacking, and just talk about what it feels like for you. Be ready to listen to your partner’s responses. You may learn something about the thoughts and feelings that have led to these expectations in the first place. Confidence Sometimes, high expectations come from within. It may be that you’re just lacking confidence in yourself. You’re not alone – evidence has shown that lots of new fathers worry about being able to take good enough care of a newborn, or doubt their ability to keep a child safe [1]. The concerns voiced by the greatest number of fathers related to his ability to "take good enough care" of his child (61%) and his ability to "keep your kids safe" (52%). Or, perhaps you worry that you’ve not experienced the best examples of parenthood from your own family and are worried about repeating the same mistakes. Discuss your fears with your partner, or with a close friend or family member that you can trust to reassure you. Taking postnatal classes with your partner can really help you prepare yourselves for the initial demands of parenting. They might help you to start thinking about fatherhood with less hesitation or trepidation. Ask your GP or local children’s centre about parenting classes near you. Always remember that you and your partner are parenting together – you’re allowed to ask for whatever support you need. Feeling heard You may feel you don’t have the opportunity to talk about your own expectations and thoughts for the future. Conversations with your partner might have felt one-sided, leaving you feeling like your own thoughts and emotions matter less. Choose a quiet time to sit down with your partner and explain that you’re not feeling heard. Try to avoid pointing the finger or blaming your partner; just talk about how you feel. Bring notes if it helps. Discuss your expectations of your fatherhood role and see how they compare to your partner’s. Where there are differences, discuss ways you might be able to compromise. This may need to develop over a series of conversations, so keep working at it. References [1] Litton Fox, G., Bruce, C. and Combs-Orme, T. (2000) Parenting Expectations and Concerns of Fathers and Mothers of Newborn Infants. Family Relations, 49(2), 123–31 (P.126).

Parental responsibility is a legal term that means you have the right to be involved in important decisions like your child’s living arrangements, education, religion and medical treatment. It’s not automatically given to all fathers, so it’s important to understand how it works, particularly if you’re going through a separation and dealing with childcare arrangements. Who has parental responsibility? Being the child’s biological father does not automatically give you parental rights. If you weren’t married when your child was born, you may not have parental responsibility. This will depend on how the birth was registered. Registering the birth of your child All births should be registered within 42 days (six weeks) of the baby being born. Birth certificates are required to have the details of the biological mother and – where possible – the details of the biological father.In other words, if you’re not married to the child’s mother, you need to be present at the birth registration to guarantee your right to parental responsibility. Who can register the birth? It is usually the mother’s responsibility to register the birth, but the father can do it on his own if he is married to the mother. An unmarried father can only register the birth on his own if the mother has made a statutory declaration acknowledging him as the father of the child, or if he brings along a parental responsibility agreement or a court order. When an unmarried father doesn’t sign the birth register, his details aren’t included on the birth certificate and he is not given parental responsibility. If this is the case for you, there are two ways to get parental responsibility: Make a statutory declaration acknowledging that you are the father. The mother must give this to the registrar. Present a parental responsibility agreement or court order at the register office. It’s also possible to re-register the birth at a later date to include your details. You’ll need the mother to agree to this. What is parental responsibility? Parental responsibility (PR) is a legal term, defined in the Children Act 1989 as: “all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authorities which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child and his property”. Without parental responsibility, you don’t have any right to be involved in important decisions like where the child lives and goes to school. You could also be left out of big decisions like taking the child out of the country. Since 1 December 2003, fathers who register a child’s birth with the mother automatically have parental responsibility. If your child’s birth was registered before this date and you were not married to the mother, you can apply to re-register the birth with the mother’s agreement, or apply for a court order or agreement. You automatically have parental responsibility if: You are the biological mother of the child. You are the father of the child and are married to (or later marry) the mother. You are an unmarried father and are registered on the birth certificate (this only applies to births registered since 1 December 2003). You have adopted the child. You do not have parental responsibility if: You are an unmarried father and are not registered on the birth certificate. You are not the biological parent, even if your partner is. You can get parental responsibility in the following ways: If you are the biological father: You can re-register the birth with the mother. You can make a PR agreement with the mother’s consent. You can apply to the court for a PR order if the mother refuses to make an agreement. If you are the partner of the biological parent and your partner’s child lives with you, you can get PR in one of several ways: You can ask the court for a residence order. You can make a PR agreement with consent from the child’s parents. You can apply for a court order. You can apply for an adoption order. Further support Gov.uk has more information on parental rights and responsibilities.

Most parents usually feel an innate sense of responsibility to protect their babies, but sometimes mums take the lead in this department, leaving dads worrying that they’re not as capable. This can kick off a vicious cycle where dads don’t feel confident with the baby and mums feel like they have to do everything. If this goes on for a long time, it can create a lasting sense of tension, so it’s important to try and address it early on. The vicious cycle This conflict between mums and dads is quite common. It can start during pregnancy when mums have a very real experience of protecting the baby, and making sure it has everything it needs. Because of this, mums often – but not always – already have a close bond by the time the baby is born. If breastfeeding, this bond can be deepened even further. For dads, the bond usually take longer to develop. Dads have to take time to get to know their babies and develop a sense of their roles as they adjust to the new responsibility. This doesn’t undermine all the effort and support that dads put in during pregnancy – providing comfort and encouragement, singing to the baby, attending pre-natal classes, – but it can leave them feeling like they’re on the back foot. In the majority of parent couples, women are the primary caregivers, meaning they spend the most time at home with the baby: 76 per cent of women and 56 per cent of men state that in reality, women have the responsibility of primary caregiver [1]. Whichever of you spends the most time at home is likely to get to know the baby better sooner and be better at responding to what the baby needs. If, as in the majority of families, that’s the mum, then it may feel quite natural for her to take the lead, especially if she’s had more practice with tasks like changing nappies and is able to get them done more efficiently. This can often mean that the other parent, usually the dad, doesn’t have as many opportunities to care for the baby, and might need longer to develop these essential parenting skills. The dad can start to feel less confident, which can lead him to avoid parenting tasks, and the mum can start to trust him less, and just do everything herself. As these factors start to feed into each other, the cycle begins. Developing trust as parents The first thing to do is acknowledge it to each other. Try to avoid making any accusations or blaming each other and instead talk about it from your own perspectives, starting your sentences with “I feel”, rather than “You make me feel”.  Even if you’re annoyed and wound up, try to keep the resentment out of your conversation, and focus on finding solutions together. To make sure you’re more equally involved, you’re going to need to make an active decision to trust each other. Although one of you may be the primary carer in the most practical sense, you can still share most parenting responsibilities. You both deserve opportunities to bond with your baby and you’re both capable of delivering the best care. To back that up, here’s a snippet from an extensive study on mums and dads as caregivers: Both men and women seem to be equally competent caregivers and exhibit high degrees of similarity as caregivers [2]. If one of you is struggling with certain tasks, like changing nappies or putting the baby to bed, then ask the other for a demonstration – don’t just give up and fall back into the patterns you’ve developed so far. The entire family will benefit from having both of you skilled up. The more a father engages himself during the delivery and postnatal period, the stronger his attachment to the baby [3]. As with anything in life, it’s easy to lose confidence in the face of criticism. It can take a few goes to get these things right, particularly in front of someone who already does it well. Being a new parent can be a scary time, certainly in the beginning, but by trusting and encouraging each other, you can help you build this confidence together as a couple. References [1] EHRC (2009) Research Report 15 - Work and Care: A Study of Modern Parents. Retrieved from: http://www.equalityhumanrights.com/publication/research-report-15-work-and-care-a-study-of-modern-parents [2] Kovner Kline, K. and Bradford Wilcox, W. (2014) IAV | Report: Mother Bodies, Father Bodies: How Parenthood Changes Us from the Inside Out, p. 25 [3] Litton Fox, G., Bruce, C. and Combs-Orme, T. (2000) Parenting Expectations and Concerns of Fathers and Mothers of Newborn Infants. Family Relations, 49(2), 123–31.

It’s sad to feel like things aren’t what they used to be in your relationship. Having a baby can bring this feeling on overnight, so it’s important to recognise and accept that all relationships change and adapt over time. Having a baby is such an exciting time with so many positives that it’s easy to see why couples expect to feel happier together. It can come as a real shock to find that you aren’t getting on. But research shows that this is normal – parenthood is often the most difficult transition anyone will have to make. Struggling with new roles When you first become a parent, you may struggle to hold onto a clear sense of who you are. You have to get used to a new identity and sometimes the other roles in your life become secondary, at least in the beginning. This includes your role as a partner. New mums may also find it difficult to adjust to changes in their body like increased weight, stretch marks, sagging and scarring. The demands of breastfeeding can be difficult to adjust to, and many new mums find themselves feeling unattractive or at odds with their body. However, while some mothers and fathers may feel the loss of their old selves, others are happy with their new identity. Loss of freedom The demands of having a baby to look after can leave you feeling like you no longer have any individual freedom. Many parents struggle with not being able to come and go as they please, or to go out and to enjoy their own interests. Life with children brings a new routine of mealtimes, nap times and bedtimes. Adjusting to this new lifestyle with no let-up can feel very suffocating for some parents and may take a lot of adjusting to. Changes to other relationships Having a baby can also change your relationships with other people, including your family, friends, parents and in-laws. Many couples find they develop a stronger bond with their own parents and in-laws. This often comes from a combination of enjoying a shared interest in the baby, and a reliance on support with childcare but it isn’t all plain sailing. There are often difficulties with partners’ families, particularly if they interfere with your way of doing things. Some couples struggle with interference or criticism from their own parents, and difficult relationships may become even more strained. Some partners want to go back to the traditional ways of doing things that they were brought up with, which can lead to conflict between couples who have different ways of doing things. New parenthood can stir up past childhood experiences and feelings and it may also stir up old memories of parenting for the new grandparents. If you have difficulties with your parents or in-laws, it’s often best to discuss them with your partner first and work out what you’re going to say. That way you can present a united front and avoid letting your in-laws or parents create any difficulties in your relationship with your partner. Relationships with friends It can be hard to keep up with old friends, particularly if they don’t have children of their own. They have different schedules and may not understand the demands on your time – especially at the beginning. But having a baby gives you lots of opportunities to make new friends with other new parents, who can be a great source of advice and support. What else helps? Remember to look after yourself. This means eating well, resting when you can, and exercising if possible. Most importantly, though, try to recognise that things will get easier. Meet other new parents Being with a baby can be lonely and isolating; other new parents can offer support or just be someone to talk to from time to time. Your health visitor or GP may know of local groups, or you can try your local Children’s Centre, library, NCT group, or faith centre. Don’t expect too much of yourself. You, your partner and your family are what matters most, especially when the baby is small. Don’t worry too much about the housework or cooking fancy meals. Most other things can wait. Take time to enjoy your baby. As parents of older children say, the time when your baby is small will fly by (although it may not seem like it!). It won’t be long before they’re off to school or leaving home, so enjoy this time while it lasts.