Click

Relationship issues

About

Support

Sorting out benefits after separation

Article | 2min read

Once you’re no longer living together, you’re classed as separated for tax and benefit purposes. Separating from your partner may mean that you become entitled to new benefits and tax credits or higher amounts of benefits than you already receive.

If you or your ex-partner were claiming benefits for the family before you separated, it’s important to tell Jobcentre Plus and HM Revenue & Customs straight away. Keeping them up to date about your change in circumstances can help you avoid being overpaid or losing out on money.

Qualifying for extra benefits could make a big difference to the options available to you, particularly when it comes to the cost of housing. If the parent with the main care of the children can work at least 16 hours a week, they may qualify for Working Tax Credit. This benefit can make a substantial difference to a single parent’s income, so it may be worthwhile financially if you can manage this.

If you have permanently separated from your partner, you can claim benefits and tax credits as a single person immediately. If your separation is temporary or on a trial basis, you may not be able to claim these benefits while there is still a chance you may get back together.

For advice and practical support with benefits and tax credits, contact your local free advice centre, such as Citizens Advice, or called the Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline free on 0808 802 0925.

You can find further detailed information on page four of the factsheet 'Action to take when a relationship ends', produced by the charity Gingerbread who provide expert advice and practical support for single parents.

Issues

Parenting apart

Recommended

Is debt keeping you together?

Nearly a fifth of people have stayed in a relationship because of financial difficulties, according to a survey of 2,000 Brits. The Debt Advisory Centre, a provider of debt help, carried out the survey to find out how many people remain in relationships simply because they don’t feel they can afford to break up. Nearly one fifth of respondents (18.9%) reported having been in this difficult situation at one time or another, stuck between ending a relationship and facing up to the financial realities of separation. Of these, two fifths (42.85%) had found themselves staying in struggling relationships for over a year, and nearly a quarter (24.33%) had limped beyond the three-year mark in relationships they knew weren’t working. Those living in London were most likely to have stayed with a partner because of financial worries, with a third of Londoners professing to have found themselves in this situation at some point. The age group most prone to this situation is 25-34, which coincides with the age many people are seeking to get on the property ladder and start a family. Penny Mansfield, Director of OnePlusOne, says: “The stress and worry of debt can affect how you get on with your partner so it’s important to be sure in your own mind whether the relationship is over or if it’s just a bad time in your relationship that could pass. “If you are thinking of sharing a home with your partner because it seems more affordable, think twice. Breaking up is rarely easy but it can be even more difficult when you are financially involved with each other”. Have you ever found yourself staying with someone because you’re worried about the financial impact of a breakup? If you’re struggling with your finances, you can find other people's stories and helpful advice on our debt pages.

Article | debt, finance

A quick financial guide to divorce

Article | divorce, finance

Family courts: what they expect from you

Before you apply for a court order it is worth remembering that judges will expect you to have tried to agree. You and your ex have joint responsibility for working out the arrangements for your children. This duty continues when you separate, even if you have never lived together. If you can’t talk to each other, you will be expected to ask for help from a mediator or a solicitor. The court will expect each parent to put forward their case. It is the court’s duty to put the child’s welfare first. It can be hard for parents to accept that what they ask for may not be what is best for the child. What courts say is best for a child For parents to encourage the child to have a good relationship with the other parent. For parents to have a ‘good enough’ relationship with each other. For the child to spend time with both parents. The law sees it as the child’s right to have regular, personal contact unless there is a very good reason not to. In the rare cases where contact is denied, the court will have been satisfied that the child’s safety is at risk. Denial of contact is unusual and in most cases the contact ordered will be frequent and substantial, considering the child’s age and all the circumstances. In some cases, contact will be arranged on an interim basis which will be subject to review until the Court is satisfied that the amount and frequency of contact is right. Non-payment of child support is not a reason the court would consider denying contact. Summary If you want to change agreed arrangements, the court will expect you to make sure the other parent agrees first or that you have used the help of a mediator or solicitor before going to court. Experience shows that court-imposed orders tend to work less well than agreements made between parents. Court proceedings are good for restoring contact when it has stopped and increasing it when it is insufficient. However, going to court does not necessarily improve the parenting relationship, which is so important to children’s wellbeing. While family mediation offers parents a chance to improve their relationship and focus on the needs of the child, going to court tends to teach couples how to argue! Having a court order If there is a court order in place you must do what it says, even if you don’t agree with it. If you want to do something different, you must apply to the court to have it varied or discharged.

Article | legal rights, co-parenting, children

Get legal advice if you can't afford a solicitor

Article | legal rights, co-parenting, children

Breaches of contact order arrangements

We get lots of questions about what to do when a former partner breaches contact arrangement rules. In some cases, people have found that the other parent won’t co-operate, or is late or doesn’t show up. But, of course, every case is different and the circumstances that lead a parent to breach contact arrangements change from person to person. Here, Charlotte Sherborne, an Associate at Hugh James Solicitors who specialises in family law, explains what happens if a former partner breaches contact order arrangements: One of the most difficult parts of separation for parents is agreeing on contact arrangements for the children. If an amicable arrangement can’t be achieved, many parents can then choose to go through mediation or, as a last resort, issue Children Act proceedings to ask a court to decide what should happen. Sadly, for some parents this is not the end of the story.Having obtained a court order, many parents find their former partner breaches the order, leaving them once again being denied contact with their children. What can you do if a court order is breached? If there are regular and intentional breaches of an order by a former partner then it may be necessary to bring the matter back to court and to bring enforcement proceedings. However, this should be a last resort as it only causes more friction and expense.Depending on the case and the nature of the breaches involved, the court has the power to order community service or a fine, and, in cases of the most serious and repeated breaches, a court can have the power to issue a prison sentence, although this is very rare indeed as often the parent breaching the order is also the children’s primary carer. So, what is the best approach to take? Try to sort things out amicably, get a proper understanding of your rights, manage your expectations and constantly review your child’s circumstances. This will result in the least amount of conflict. It also gives you the flexibility and goodwill that is very hard to achieve if you go through the court process. Charlotte qualified as a solicitor in 2003. Throughout her career Charlotte has worked and practised law in London, most recently at the leading niche firm Family Law in Partnership LLP. She now works at Hugh James where she specialises in Family Law, Divorce and separation, Pre-nuptials and living together.

Article | breach, legal rights

Raising a baby after a breakup

Article | separation, divorce, co-parenting

The issues surrounding shared parenting

The Dispatches programme Sharing Mum and Dad provoked a lively Twitter debate among our followers including mums, dads and legal experts. The programme saw presenter Tim Lovejoy, who is divorced with two children, try to unpick the practicalities and legal complexities of shared parenting. If controversial Government proposals go ahead, a new clause will be inserted into the Children’s Act 1989 which states: …to presume that a child’s welfare will be furthered by the involvement of each of the child’s parents in his or her life, unless it can be shown that such involvement would not in fact further the child’s welfare. The Dispatches programme was an important one in that it brought a debate that had only been happening among academics, legal experts and professionals to a much wider audience. With one in three UK children experiencing family breakdown, the programme posed the crucial question: are we doing enough? However, it set itself a tough challenge in trying to explore both the concept of shared parenting and asking if current legislation is working in just thirty minutes. The programme explained shared parenting as being the ‘alternative’ to one parent (usually the mother) being awarded sole responsibility by the courts, which ignores important aspects of the debate. The term ‘shared parenting’ can be problematic, particularly if parents interpret it to mean that they ‘get a share’ of the child. Splitting a child’s time 50/50 often places a huge amount of stress on their shoulders as it’s very hard to live in two homes and manage the practicalities of friends, school, etc. Often it is easier for a child – especially a very young child – to have their main home in one place. It is the court’s duty to do what is in the best interests of the child. While the quality of the parent-child relationship requires regular contact, equal access to both parents is always practical or in the child’s best interests – despite what parents feel. Parents should share responsibility for their children but that requires ex-partners, who are often hurt and angry, to look beyond their own needs and feelings and communicate well with each other. Separated parents need to co-operate and establish a new type of relationship with each other, focused on what is best for their children rather than themselves.

Article | shared parenting, media, legal rights

Shared care – is it the best thing for you?

Article | co-parenting, children, separation

Eight tips to communicate with your ex

Article | parenting apart, co-parenting, communication

Six tips on introducing new partners

Article | new partner, parenting apart, co-parenting

“Non-compliant ex-partner”

My ex partner of 13 years is refusing to do any type of parenting with me. He won't communicate with me, blocked me on social media email and phone! He has my two boys who are 11 and 5 and I was happy to let them go live with him as that is what they wanted to do. I just wanted them to be happy. We were going to co-parent but he stops me seeing them, always changes arrangements, changes arrangements if anything planned, all because he does not like my friend. He doesn't like my friend as she can see he's controlling towards me and she does not back down to him, she stands her ground !! He does not like a woman to have an opinion. I have just started court process well went to miams meeting to try sort it out. I will co-parent and split weeks with him so both get equal time with the kids but somehow I do not think he's going to comply with anything. He tells the kids I don't bother to see them, contact them or anything when that is far from the truth. I have given my boy my old phone topped up so we have contact that way * he accuses me of all kinds of spiteful stuff saying I'm mental, I'm a druggy, and I live in a dump which all are lies. None of the things he says applies to me at all.

User article | co-parenting, contact

“Court orders”

My son is 12 and my daughter is nearly 16 They do not want what is being proposed my by ex husband in court. They don't want to tell him but he thinks I'm putting them off staying with him. What is the process?

User article | co-parenting, contact

“Contact centres”

Overwhelmed by legal system and now told no legal aid.

User article | co-parenting, contact

“Custody of my children”

My ex is keeping my children away from me. I’m their mother, can he do this?

Ask the community | breach, legal rights

“Post-16 court contact”

We have had a court order in place for a number of years. The children have never missed a contact; however they are now 16 and 15 and have made it clear to me that they are "fed up" with spending their time with someone who – apparently – has little to say to them, and makes nasty comments to the kids all the time when he does open his mouth. It is almost as if the contact order is just being observed to serve his need to control them – it doesn't seem to be about spending quality time with two kids who are brilliant company. The kids have said that once the younger son gets to 16, they "are done" – I have told them things will get better, but after six years of this contact and support from me, encouragement and assurances it will get better, it just hasn't. It breaks my heart to see how angry they get when they come back and have had an unsuccessful contact. I am at a loss, and my ex will not speak to me (only via solicitors and hasn't spoken to me for over eight years). If they tell him they no longer wish to go, can I be dragged back to court? Should this come from them to him? I doubt he will listen as they have asked before for things to improve with him and he just laughs at them and says they are idiots. One time my elder son was poorly during contact and had asked to go home earlier; he refused and made them stay until the appointed time. My eldest is about to turn 17 and will be driving soon. He wishes to get a Saturday job, and this will prove impossible – the Court Order clearly states a Saturday, and we have persistently re-jigged our lives to make sure they attend (which we do because I want them to have a positive male role model). I am also bitterly disappointed that this could have been seen as a chance for my ex to build a lovely relationship with his kids, but seems to have used it as a controlling mechanism instead. I would have expected them to say they were having a great time and ask that they have extra time - which would have been great, but it just hasn't happened. I see other kids who have a great time with their dads and my heart bleeds for them. I never badmouth or speak ill of my ex – it was a shame it didn't work out, but the kids did not need to suffer the way that they have been subjected to such nastiness from someone who is supposed to love them unconditionally (regardless of the fact he hates my guts – I appreciate I am 50% DNA of the kids and I think that may be the issue). If they turn round and refuse to go once the youngest is 16, can I force them? Can I physically drag them to contact? My eldest son is a strapping lad now and this may prove difficult. If I get taken back to court if they refuse, will the court listen to the kids as they will be 16 and 17? I am worrying now that after all these years of being compliant and supportive, I may get jailed.

User article | breach, legal rights, contact

“Ex partner is breaching contact order”

My ex partner is stopping me from seeing kids there is a contact order in place and I still have parental rights. I can't afford to go back to court, what can I do?

User article | breach, legal rights

"She has two kids"

So 4 months ago I started dating a girl she has 2 kids and 1 on the way with 3 different people. At first we were talking a lot and hanging out some but now she she sees her ex more then me I confronted her about it and she said " it's just co parenting that I was overreacting" she doesn't say I live you as much anymore and we never see each other even in ask her if she wants to hang out she blows me off then I find out she is going to town with her ex but it's just " co parenting " in her words I dont know what to do

User article | co-parenting

“Pregnant ex-partner”

My ex-partner is due to give birth in six weeks and I'm wanting to have the baby three nights a week from when he is a few weeks old - say three weeks. She is saying he needs routine for a while longer but she has said I can go round during the day as much as I like and eventually overnight... I don't get why we cant just share him 50/50. He's mine too. I've told her that I'm more stable too and it's less manic at mine so he would be better with me more opps.

User article | co-parenting, birth

“She won't spend time with her dad”

My ex and I split up in October 2016 so have been apart for nearly three years. We went through a court "battle" earlier this year as we couldn't agree visitation. We both "won" and "lost" some points and currently, our daughter is with me for 10 nights out of 14 and the visitation was set via the court order. Our daughter was deemed to be too young at the time to be able to give an opinion on matters (she was seven in June) and so it was all decided for her. I'm not biased in anyway as throughout the separation and everything, I know I've done what is right for her. The way things work now work really well. However, in recent months she has advised me, and others that she no longer wants to see her dad or spend time with him or his new family. It's horrid to hear as I don't feel like I can do anything about it. I encourage her to speak openly to her dad and hope that she will as I know if I do, he'll see me as being bitter when all I want is for her to be happy. Today at school drop off she clung to me like she never has before and it's his weekend to have her. I was encouraging and smiley when deep down my heart was breaking. What do I do? Our communication isn't great as there are other issues as well. I wonder if I should speak to my solicitor again and go down that route if she doesn't speak to him. I can't sit back and watch her be upset over something that I deem is fixable if he can accept she's growing up and her feelings are changing.

User article | co-parenting, contact

“My son staying with my ex”

My son's father and I are separated. His girlfriend has a nephew who was involved in being sexually molested. I don’t have all the details but I am worried about my son spending nights or time there. The nephew obviously visits the house. My ex has various women’s houses. He visits them at different houses. I want to avoid my son seeing such a lifestyle as normal. What can I do about it?

User article | co-parenting, contact

Comments 2