I was married before, moved to another area for my then husband for his career. He cheated on me while there. I'm sure this was before that and then found out he has been using drugs and I just couldn't anymore and got divorced.
I remarried five years after meeting my now husband. He has a twin sister. I know both of them from school but we didn't have a proper relationship and only dated him for two weeks. He moved on with his life and so did I. After I left my first husband, we saw each other again and fell head over heels in love. It was great but somehow it all changed when his sister told him of previous relationships I had in my past, and somehow I always felt judged, even up until today.
He is not perfect, he used to party and come home early hours of the morning not saying a word and I'd stay at home with my two kids. In 2016, my daughter was born and he was more worried about partying and being with friends which i thought was a phase because my ex husband also did this to me. In 2018, he went to the shop but would always end up taking so long. We were at a friend's this time and then I looked for my phone and he was going through my phone in the toilet and I just couldn't understand what I did wrong.
Then my friend told me he needs to tell me something - that he has been using cocaine all this time. I literally broke because I found this out three months after I married again. I literally broke down because I couldn't understand how I allowed this to happen to me again. I ended up questioning myself and wondering why I made such bad men choices. He lost his job during our relationship because of partying and I never knew about it until it happened. He blames me for the fact that he's on drugs.
We moved to his family and can afford to live on our own now but he says he needs to be there for his granny. I have been here for over two years and just really want to be on my own. But I am starting to see that nothing I do will change the situation and I will always be second best. The reason I feel like I am second best, if me and his sister has a disagreement he is distant towards me. Its like I feel our relationship is based on his family and I have accepted his sister visiting me every day and listening to her talk about people every single day and it's like i am heating a dead end.
I am grateful because I finally finished my studies, even though it been hard especially with him being in this phase. But he is very distant towards me and blames me for everything and throws my past in my face. We have been to our first therapy session now, and he mentioned my past etc and that he only uses cocaine recreationally. I thought we would be closer after the first session instead he went to hang out with his friends because he felt he needed guy time. I am not sure if I am overthinking things, I have just been extremely emotional lately. I am starting to wonder if being on my own isn't the best and raising my two daughters should not be my next option.