Breakups can be really hard and can take a while to recover from. It is normal to think about your breakup and your ex, and it’s good to reflect on the situation to understand what happened and to recognise how you feel about it. This is essential to recovering. However, reflecting too much can get in the way of other parts of your life, like meeting up with friends, taking care of your basic needs, or work responsibilities. It’s to be expected that you won’t be feeling your best, perhaps for a while, and it is good to be understanding and kind to yourself when other parts of your life are affected. However, there are distractions you can use to help yourself recover and come back stronger [1, 2].

Many coping mechanisms that people commonly use to distract themselves are not always helpful. Things such as alcohol, food, drugs, or sleeping around without using protection. These distraction techniques can put you at risk of being hurt more. It can also mean you are not giving yourself time to process your feelings about your former relationship, which can mean it takes longer to stop hurting and thinking about your ex [3].

On the other hand, there are lots of helpful distractions that can be used to help you feel more fulfilled after a breakup. Engaging in activities that you enjoy or that give you a sense of meaning outside of your relationship will boost your self-worth and help draw you out of over-reflecting [2].

Values. Have a think about what is more important to you than your ex. You could do this values exercise (found at the bottom of the article). Engage in things outside of your relationship with them that are important to you. This could be connecting with family relationships, applying yourself at work, or taking care of your child or pet [4].

Goals. Breakups can take up a lot of emotional and physical energy, so goals set should be small. It could be something like ‘making my bed today’ or ‘cooking myself dinner tonight’. If you want some advice on how to set a goal, try this goal setting exercise in our How to build your self-esteem article [4].

Connecting with others. Even if this is not on your list of values, spending time with others (especially those who are close to you that you trust) can be really helpful as a distraction. Spending time with others and talking to them about the breakup as well as things unconnected to it can help you process your feelings, give you a different perspective, and help you realise what else is important to you [5].

Self-soothe. Self-soothing can be a beneficial distraction technique to help you process your emotions. Doing nice things for yourself can benefit your self-esteem, even if you don’t feel you are very good at it, practicing it can be beneficial. Everyone finds different things soothing. Check out the 'Ideas for practicing mindful stimming' section in this article. These can be used by anyone who wants ideas for self-soothing activities [2, 6].

Gratitude. Gratitude can be very helpful as a distraction technique; help you process your emotions and benefit your self-esteem. It can help give you a new perspective and connect you to different emotions other than sadness/grief. To connect to gratitude, think about things you are grateful for in your life. These can be big or small. Anything from a supportive parent or friend to having breakfast this morning. It can help to write these down and come back to them when you feel bad [7].

Breakups are really hard - it takes time to process what happened and how you feel! Give yourself time, and practice being kind and empathetic to yourself. You could also try these skills for helpful distractions when you need them. Let us know how you get on with them!

For more advice to do with breakups, see this page on our website.

Written by Helen Molloy

[1] NHS South of England. (2013). Fact Sheet: Coping With a Relationship Breakup. https://severndeanery.nhs.uk/assets/Professional-Support/Coping-with-a-Relationship-Break-Up.pdf

[2] Linehan, M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual (2^nd Ed). Guilford Press.

[3] Schaffner, A. (2023). 10 Most Common Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms: A List. https://positivepsychology.com/unhealthy-coping-mechanisms/

[4] Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap (2^nd Ed). Robinson Publishing.

[5] Barutçu. K, Adjustment to breakup of romantic relationships: initiator status, certainty about the reasons of breakup, current relationship status and perceived social support, 2009.

[6] Guy-Evans, Simply Psychology. (2023, 12). Do You Know How To Manage Your Emotions And Why It Matters? Emotional Regulation: Learn Skills To Manage Your Emotions. https://www.simplypsychology.org/emotional-regulation.html

[7] Wong, Y. Owen, J. Gabana, N. Brown, J. McInnis, S. Toth, P. (2016). Does gratitude writing improve the mental health of psychotherapy clients? Evidence from a randomized controlled trial. Psychotherapy Research, 28(2), https://doi.org/10.1080/10503307.2016.1169332