Featured
Health and relationships
The quality of your relationship with your partner (and with friends, colleagues and family members) affects both your mental and physical wellbeing. Similarly, how good you feel emotionally and physically can affect how you get on with your partner - perhaps even more than you realise. |[profileDataBundle id=1]| Improving your relationship quality can have a positive effect on your health, affecting related behaviours like exercising and drinking that can, in turn, affect how you get on. Of course, relationships go through ups and downs. But when we are unhappy or frustrated it’s easy to ignore what we know is good for us. Risky behaviours can provide an escape but sometimes we can fall into habits that are bad for both our health and our relationship. The good news is that, by taking stock and taking a good look at our patterns of behaviour, we can start making a few changes and things can start feeling very different. Have a look at the following questions and then share your answers with your partner. This can help you to assess the bigger picture and start changing some of the behaviours that could be affecting your relationship. Overall, how well do you feel on a day-to-day basis? Where would you score your physical health on a scale of one to 10, with ten being best it can be? Do you smoke? If so, how much, and at what times of day? What are your triggers for smoking? How often do you drink? Do you drink to unwind, to be social, or to shut things out? How well do you eat? Do you and your partner eat together – are cooking and eating well important parts of your relationship? Are you over or underweight? How do you feel about your body? How well do you sleep? –What, if anything keeps you awake? Can you see any patterns? Do you exercise regularly? How do you feel after exercising? How often do you have sex? Do you enjoy sex with your partner? Are you currently working? How does your work affect how you feel? If you have a bad day at work, what impact does it have on your home life? How do you know you are overstressed? What are the signs? What makes you feel good physically? What makes you feel good emotionally?   What next? Have a look at your answers. How does the overall picture look? Does it look good or feel a bit overwhelming? Are there any patterns you’d like to change? If you have any habits or recurring behaviours that aren’t serving you, look at the underlying reasons. Take it slowly – recognising the need for change is a crucial first step. Don’t try to change everything at once. If you are a smoker, that’s a good place to start. Consider cutting down, or just keeping a log of when you smoke and how you feel before and after. Start to notice what need you are trying to fulfil by smoking, and whether it’s working for you. If you want to eat better, start by introducing some small changes to your diet. Get a new cookbook or look up some recipes online. Experimenting with new dishes can be fun. Set aside some time to plan and cook a healthy meal with your partner – this one positive shared experience could be the first step towards getting out of a mealtime rut. Poor sleep, drinking too much and work stress are all issues that can contribute to how you get on with your partner, often leading to arguments. It can feel overwhelming to address these issues at once – a good place to start might be taking some regular exercise. It doesn’t matter what, so long as it is something you can enjoy that fits in with your work and family demands. Exercise can also have a positive impact on other areas of your life, releasing natural chemicals that improve your mood and make you feel happier. Adopting a more active lifestyle can improve your mental health, giving you a positive reminder you that the choices you make affect how you feel. Leading a more active life can give you a break from the hustle and bustle of daily life, and help you sleep better. It can improve your self-esteem and confidence, helping you feel more valued, and more attractive. Exercise and physical activity can give you something positive to strive for and commit to. It can help you to stop dwelling on problems and, in time, you may even start to enjoy it!   A word of warning! If this exercise has brought up any issues you find difficult to talk about, you may find it helpful to use some of the communication exercises and articles elsewhere on the site. If you have identified that you or your partner are drinking too much, you may need to seek professional help – looking at the articles on addiction on the site can be a positive first step.
Article | Health
0 5 min read
Hot and cold?
So basically I met this guy on a dating site and everything was going really well, we had quite a few dates around 8 or 9 and have been speaking for nearly a month. We would talk everyday, he would message me in the morning and ask how I was every morning. We arranged to meet on Valentine's day last week and he promised me he wouldn't cancel but on the day he said someone had rang in sick at work and be couldn't make it. All of a sudden after this he started being really distant and now his morning texts get later and later everyday. I asked him the other day what was wrong and he just said he had a lot on with work etc. The past few days he has been distant but fairly talkative until today he didn't message me until the evening and only replied a few times. I have tried giving him space and being nice etc but he's been distant now for nearly a week. I am thinking the worst that he's not into me anymore but I don't know what to do whether to ask him or just keep giving him space? Last time we saw each other a week ago he was still lovely and there was nothing to suggest he wasn't into me anymore. He has just gone distant all of a sudden since when he was supposed to see me on Valentine's day so I really don't have a clue what is going on with him. Since he started being distant he will give me fast replies and ask what my plans are but then won't reply for 5 hours or even won't reply until the next day, i havent suggested meeting up as im taking it as hes not interested anymore but then i dont know whether me not suggesting is making him think im not into him anymore? I dont know whether he just texts for the sake of it now and so I'm being short with him but he's still being distant. This distance was all out of the blue it was going really well until he cancelled last Wednesday and all of a sudden he's become all distant randomly. I don't know whether I should suggest meeting or maybe be nice as I always wait for him to message me first so I don't know whether that's giving him the wrong message. He told me he's been cheated on before in the past when he did everything for his ex and she cheated on him and before he went distant he seemed genuinely nice compared to the others I've had before he was respectful etc so I don't know whether the fact he was cheated on is making him insecure etc and that's why he's stopped putting effort into me or whether it is that he's not interested anymore but I can't see how I could've made him loose interest. He also said last time we saw each other that he catches feelings quickly and easily and that he felt things had moved really quickly so I just don't know if he is genuine and maybe has ran off because he's scared due to his past and is waiting for me to put the work in or whether he is just using me?
Ask the community | someone else
“What should I say after I ignored him?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I was already in a relationship for almost a year and was no longer in love with my boyfriend when I met my this new guy. He's much older and has most of what intrigues me in a man. I got his number and I started texting first. In the beginning I just wanted to try something new. Flirt with a man, go out on fun activities because I felt bored in my relationship and restrained. I just wanted to live at that time. He replied almost immediately and he still remembered my name even though we had spoken for only a few minutes that day in the conference. He told me a few days later that he had a girlfriend but that did not matter much to me because all I wanted to do was have a little fun. I told a week later that I had a boyfriend too. But we enjoyed each other's company very much and we talked everyday for weeks. He was that ignition I needed in my life and he helped me grow in ways I didn't think I could. I felt more responsible with him, he commanded the respect I didn't think I could be humble enough to give anyone and he unintentionally made me discover things about me I didn't think I could. I was happy. So I told me boyfriend it could no longer work between us because I did not love him anymore. He had recently found out about the other guy and I and was so depressed because he thought I was leaving him for the other guy. I told him I broke up with my boyfriend and I reassured him it was not his fault because honestly I was going to leave him anyways. I found myself wanting to have a serious relationship with this new guy, I was falling for him already and I know he knew but he never made or said anything that could make me know he was liking me differently other than a girl with good company. It seemed I had already starting hoping too much that when he told me his girlfriend came in to town to see him I felt hurt and to make it worse, he did not tell me goodnight that day. He only texted me the next morning. Ever since then I decided to stop talking to him, because I did not want the hurt to grow. He did not call me that day and he only texted the next morning ask why I did not reply his texts, I still did not reply him. About a week later he called me in the morning but I did not pick up and another week later he texted me in the afternoon and begged me to reply him. I just wanted him to prove to me that I was important to him by making more than just one phone call, or sending more than just 3 texts messages in about 3 weeks. I wanted him to give a good reason to not go back to my boyfriend who still kept begging me to come back to him. But those were the only moves he made, he did not even come to my house to look for me. I am suppose to be disappointed and stay mad or just be disappointed and tell myself I guess I know where I fall. I console myself with the thought that we had not had sex even though we were close and spent a couple of nights together. But then I find myself thinking about him, keeping tabs and checking his recent activities on facebook. I even dreamed about him some nights. Meanwhile within those weeks that I ignored him I felt so sad that I hurt my boyfriend for someone who was not worth it. I eventually went back to my boyfriend even I knew sooner or later I would no longer want him. This other guy still is in my head and my heart and I do not know if I pushed him to stay with his girlfriend (because he told me once that he did not care if his girlfriend ever saw us together) or ruin any chance I had with him. I was having a hard time these past few days getting him off my mind that I intentionally called him on Whatsapp last night even though I knew he was not online. He finally came online by midnight and greeted me like nothing had ever gone wrong. I do not know what to say. I am contemplating on telling him the truth to why I ignored him all this while and just hear what he will say. Someone help please.
Ask the community | someone else
“Will I ever believe him again”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Been married 22 years, together 26. Husband as had his prostrate taken out a year ago due to cancer. He looked at porn years ago when our children were all young. It really hurt me because I am sure i always gave him sex and i was still affectionate towards him and wondered why he didnt want me. I came down and saw him in the kitchen with his zip down. He said he was reading a story, what a liar. He said he would never do it again but I found more porn on his lap top and even videos in his car of it. It shocked me because it showed he didn’t care about my feelings and how it made me feel. Now all these years later he as done it again. I asked to check his laptop to check his bank account because he had took a loan out behind my back. Told me it was for £100 then admitted it was £300. This hurt and shocked me because he done it without telling me and he had done it last year as well. Said it was to pay bills. This i will never know if its the truth or a lie. So I was looking through the bank account and I just thought I would have a nose through his recycle bin. That's when i came across the porn which was of 2 women. He said it was just a lapse and he wouldn't do it again. He said this years ago. Told him he's addicted said he's not and he doesn't know why he did it. It hurt me because he said he looked twice at it when i was out.. so not once thought to himself right i shouldn't do this I said I would never do it again but he done it the second time. Now i compare myself to these women and think he wants them and not me, also maybe he would like two women to go with. This has all knocked me and the trust as completely gone. Now I wonder if he is still looking at it when he takes his laptop with him every day. I don't want to be checking it and always thinking is he looking at it but I think that's how it will be. This is not a way to live. I have said the next thing he might do is go and find the real thing. He said he only wants me and he couldn't get it up anyway without a pump device. I said he could still do oral and that he can still climax by masturbating. What do I do, and how do you carry on with someone if the trust has gone and they say you can build it up only for them to knock it down again?
Ask the community | trust
“Am I cheating because I flirt?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I have been with my S/O for almost three years now. I am so in love. I love him with all of my heart. He is perfect, he makes me feel perfect and special. He always knows how to make me feel better. But we are getting older now, and I just feel like I sometimes am in a different stage in my life. I sometimes feel more mature. I have threatned a breakup because I have these feelings that things aren’t gonna change. He is going to be the same. He is going to still be this amazing and wonderful person but he has no head on his shoulders. He has a dream but is afraid to go for it. Or at least thats what it seems like. But i have been with him for so long that I just couldn’t imagine himself with anyone else. I know he has some family issues going on right now which is the root of most of his issues but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if things would be different. Which is why I feel like I am constantly searching for something new. But I don’t want it to be our relationship. I am heavily attracted to one of our close friends and I keep having these dreams of being with him and I feel so guilty. And sometimes I catch myself flirting with him, laying down and snuggling with him and constantly thinking about him. The way I used to think of my boyfriend. But the thing is i feel like I will never stop loving my boyfriend. I love him so incredibly much so I feel so guilty. I don’t know how to feel. Am I guilty of cheating in my head? Am I cheating because I flirt with my guy friend? Am I wrong for having these sorts of dreams? I have spoken to my boyfriend about my feelings and he does know about them. But sometimes I can’t help but feel like even though I felt great after that talk and I felt so much closer to him I still keep getting those feelings of my guy friend. I just don’t know whats right and wrong anymore.
Ask the community | someone else, flirting
“A complicated marriage”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   This is all new to me. I have never been on any kind of forum or even asked for help/advice of any kind outside my small circle. I'm at my wits end and maybe I just need to know if I'm wrong or if it is normal for me to feel the way I do.... I am so confused! I have been married for 22 years (been together for 25 years) and we have 3 children of which two are still school going. Gosh, I dont even know how to put into words what the situation is. Of course it all started fine and life was going good until about 10 years ago. The last 10 years or so have been an emotional rollercoaster ride of note. My husband is a very dominant person and does and says things as it pleases him with no regard to anyone’s feelings. He always knows better and is never wrong. He does not take responsibility for his actions and everything is always something or someone's fault but his own. Every time I bring up something that bothers me it either ends in a silent treatment and a very strained atmosphere or the situation is turned around and it is my fault. What he says and what he does are two totally different things. He flirts and sex chats with other woman and has no time for the kids or me. He is constantly busy on his phone or PC. When I confront him on that, he always has some lame excuse or its my fault because I don't do this or that. One eg that comes to mind is I found out he bought a vibrator for another woman. When I confronted him on that, his answer was: "it wasnt an expensive one".. Seriously?? Is the cost relevant to the fact that he bought another woman a vibrator? In my mind, nothing he says can justify his actions! Six months ago we decided that we are going to separate/divorce but due to our financial situation we could not afford two households expenses. I moved out the main bedroom into the spare room. New year and our anniversary came and he told me that he didn't want to devorce me anymore. So once again we tried talking things out and he wanted to know what I needed from him to make my life easier and he wouldnt expect anything back from me. I told him that I needed his attention and that I have to be the only woman in his life and that I was not prepared to share him with other woman. Is this supposed to be a request if you choose a life partner to spend the rest of your live with? Am I asking to much? Isnt it supposed to be only me? So he has been trying really hard to give me attention and not texting when I'm with him, telling me he loves me and helping me more around the house with things and spending time with the kids, generally being a nice guy. I have to admit I do like the change in him, however he has not given up on his flirting and sex chats. Then he tells me that he doesn’t understand why I dont trust him? Over the years he has lied to me so many times that how and I supposed to trust him? He says I'm insecure and it is not his job to fix my insecurities. He is the cause of my trust issues and insecurities. What gets me the most is the flirting and sex chatting with this one girl who is as old as our daughter. I cant get past this. Its just as good as him talking to his own daughter like that. To me that is unacceptable! I’m in a catch 22 situation and I dont know what to do anymore. I can’t devorce him and leave as I have no where to go and I have no income to support myself. My whole family lives on another continant and he will not allow me to take the kids overseas, so I'm forced to stay until our youngest is 18, which is another 4 years. Am I just supposed to accept that this is who he is and he will never change and he can continue living a double life without any consequinces or any regards to my feelings? Am I being unreasonable? Am I expecting to much from him? I just don’t know anymore.....
Ask the community | cheating, marriage
“Love triangle at work?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Ok, so I guess I'm sort of involved in a love triangle at work. A few weeks ago I was traveling with my co-worker and we ended up kissing. It was fun and it seemed to charge up a bit of chemistry with us. We haven't dated or anything but there has been some major flirting and texting. Nothing heavy. I was playing it cool until I found out this girl was seeing someone else at the office. I believe they were seeing each other before we kissed. Regardless it made me feel a little jilted but I bounced back. Today was valentines day and the guy she's sort of seeing brought in Valentines day candy for everyone. It's obvious he brought it over so he could give her some. So later in the day I texted her saying I got valentines day candy from this un named person. And said I think he mistook me for you. It seemed to fluster her, mind you she's been flirting with me up to this point. So after that I decided to act indifferent like I did not care. I gave her a bit of the cold shoulder treatment but was still nice to her. I acknowledged her presence but nothing like I have been doing up to today. Basically I reverted back to grade school and started to ignore her / act like she wasn't a priority. Now I could be mistaken, but this seemed to make her frustrated, and I felt like she was trying to get my attention the whole day. She left the office in a hurry with a short goodbye. It's like I got under her skin. So did I strike a nerve? Does this indicate she's confused. That she might like me too? At this point I've decided to move on because I feel a little rejected. But it was odd behaviour coming from someone who picked someone else. Why did she act so frustrated / agitated when I gave her the indifferent treatment? Am I winning? I don't expect to win her over but I'm not going to lie. It felt good to see her react this way. I don't expect her to start chasing me, that's not why I acted this way. I was simply putting on a game face. And by acting like I did not care about the situation plus giving her a bit of the cold shoulder seemed to make her a little flustered. What is this all about?
Ask the community | flirting, rejection
“Affair with best friend at work”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My best friend at work recently confessed that he was attracted to me and wanted to be with me physically. He is in a LTR and I am married. He told me he had been feeling that way for over a year and that he liked me a lot. He said he knew the feeling was mutual and the sexual tension between us was off the charts. I agreed that I was always attracted to him but I felt safe flirting with him because I'm married and he's 9 years younger than me. He was always honest with me about cheating on all his girlfriends. He said this is the longest relationship he's been in that he hasn't cheated yet. He hates commitment. He always said he doesn't want to get married because he can't imagine being with one person for the rest of his life. I told him this was crazy and it could ruin our lives and our friendship. He kept trying to convince me it would just be two friends having fun and it doesn't have to mean anything. I said I should be honest and say that at home everything is good. I really do love my husband and family and we don't really have an major issues. Two days after this conversation this guy kissed me. Not just a quick innocent kiss. He came up to me, held my face and looked in my eyes and kissed me very passionately. It was extremely intense. I stopped him and told him I needed a minute and he just held me tight and said "I've wanted to do that for so long" then we kissed some more. After that things got hot and heavy. Lots of sexting and some more make out sessions. Then we had sex. It was an amazing night. Without going into details we clearly both enjoyed it. He begged me to stay the night and I did. We had sex in the morning again. The next few weeks we talked a bit about it and if it was going to happen again but he started to get distant. I confronted him and he finally told me he felt guilty about cheating and that has never happened to him before. He said he wasn't over this whole thing he just needed time. So I tried to give him space. Then a few times just to see where his head was at I asked him if he wanted to hook up and he just said maybe but nothing happened. So I confronted him one more time and asked him flat out if all of it was just a game to sleep with me. He said absolutely not, he said he just felt guilty and he was still trying to process it. But then he tells me not to worry cause it's definitely happening again. Well after a few weeks I hadn't been sleeping right and tired of wondering what was going on I decided I needed it to be over. I told him I thought we should both agree that we lost our minds for a few weeks and we should just be friends. I said I need him more as my friend than I need to have sex with him. He agreed and that's where I left it. Things have been ok at work but now I find my self wondering what the whole point of this was. If he was ever really my friend why would he want me to risk everything just for sex? He's a good looking guy and I'm not really the type of girl people are making moves on. I'm cute at best but I'm not hot. Part of me thinks he had feelings for me and being with me scared him and part of me thinks he really just needed something to chase to get out of a rut with his girlfriend. I just hate not having answers. Does anyone have insight into this kind of thing?
Ask the community | cheating, trust, sex
“Do I have issues with trust?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I have been with this lady since 2013 and we decided to get married in 2017. l work away so spend lots of time working. I recently found out that when l am away my partner has been seeing a guy she works with. They have been meeting since September 2016. They meet after work, have lunch, dinner, go to the movies etc and she swears that it is platonic. He buys her chocs, flowers, sends her poetry, send messages saying how much he enjoys her company. Recently he has been coming to the flat to pick her up which l obviously do not like. She flies into a rage if l raise the matter saying she has done nothing wrong. Calls me old fashioned and says that lots of women have male friends. Am l wrong to take this attitude? I also recently found out that she is still texting, maybe even sexting another guy who she went out with before she met me.. She sends him photos which l took, but does not mention me. Yet another guy in a different country thinks that he is in a relationship with her. She laughs and says that they have been friends for years, but l found out a few days ago that he does not know about me.. They have some sort of financial business going on which she denies, but l have proof. When we are together she tells him that she is with her uncle... Am l just a fool to take this? I want to leave, but love her, but l also feel that l cannot trust her. It is making me crazy.
Ask the community | trust