About 10 years ago I met this guy and we instantly clicked and became best friends, we were inseperable, laughing all the time, spending all of our spare time together and had a really special deep emotional connection. I was in a toxic relationship at the time, and he was always there for me.
When my relationship ended, we grew closer and shared a few intimate times together, other people always used to say to us 'why aren't you two together, you're perfect for each other' but we both laughed the comments off and said we were just friends, unbeknownst to each other that we were both secretly hoping the other would say we wanted more. We were both scared of saying something and getting rejected. So it never happened.
Our friendship continued but within our group of friends at the time, some jealous comments were made by some people to me about things he had apparently said about why he didn't want to be with me (which he never said I have since found out), but at the time I thought he just wanted to be friends so on a night out that we were both at on new years eve one year I ended up having a drunken one night stand and left the pub with this person, subsequently I knew it had hurt my best friend but did not know that he was planning to get together with me that night and for us to start the new year together, as a proper couple.
He was heartbroken and a few months later I asked if we could give things a go but he said he couldn't as he was too hurt by what had happened. We both lived in a small town and during the weeks and months that followed our friendship deteriorated and we saw each other around but didn't speak and it was devastating. I had lost my best friend and it was too much to bear. He eventually met someone else and they got married. I moved away to another city and we lost contact. I tried to get on with my life and not think about him or deal with the pain as it just felt far too painful to face.
About 6 months ago I recently got back in touch thinking I would be able to handle it, but after seeing him even once I cried for hours after. All my feelings were still there. Then we started messaging about old times and we saw each other a few times more and started to talk about the past and I realised the extent of his feelings for me, he told me I was his first love, and that he fancied me since a young age, and he was madly in love with me but was too scared to tell me and that I had broken his heart and dreams of us being together, and he never got over it.
We have been messaging constantly for the past 6 months and seen each other twice, both times I was left emotionally destroyed when he left to go back to his wife. I have been grieving over the whole tragic thing, how we missed out on what we could have had and we will never know what could have been, and we have basically had an emotional affair in secret, with it turning sexual on text as well. I have been emotionally destroyed by it, and felt so unbearably hurt and angry and jealous over him being with his wife, and about the fact that he didn't give us a chance and chose someone else, and I just can't get past it.
I also looked at his facebook and saw pictures of them together which has absolutely destroyed me and I feel it has destroyed any chance of us recovering and having any sort of friendship now. I am heartbroken. I have chosen not to have contact with him for the past 2 weeks as it was starting to make me physically ill, having bad dreams and not sleeping. I am now thinking about him and the situation again, and don't know what to do. He wants us to repair our friendship and have contact but I just can not decide if or how I can handle this, but at the same time I can't imagine losing him completely again.
Any advice really appreciated!