My partner had an affair

You’ve found out that your partner has had an affair. Perhaps they told you themselves, or maybe a mutual friend told you, or you found a message on their phone that gave them away.

However you found out, it’s likely you’ll be going through a range of emotions, and your mind might be reeling with questions:

  • Why did my partner cheat?
  • Have they cheated on me before?
  • Did they prefer having sex with this other person to me?
  • Is our relationship over?

Finding out your partner has cheated is a horrible experience to go through. While it may not feel like much of a comfort, it’s useful to know that you’re not alone in this situation. Many of our community members have been through something similar. One person posted:

“I discovered messages on her phone around 4 months ago… I just decided to [ask her about it] and hey presto she came clean on everything. She said it started as friendship but they have been sleeping together for about 6 months now”.
Discussing the situation


Confronting your partner
 without it turning into a full-blown argument can take a lot of patience and skill. Before you start to discuss the affair, write down what you want to say. If you find you’re getting too angry, take a break and leave the room to gather your thoughts before you continue.

Affairs aren’t always just about sex. Someone can be tempted into the arms of another for many reasons – not feeling loved, not feeling understood, or not spending enough time together, are all possible reasons you might hear.

Uncovering the hidden issues can help you move forward from an affair. Think about the deeper issues that might be hiding under the surface.

Moving forward


Talking to others
 can be a helpful way of dealing with your emotions during this difficult time. If you have close friends and family you can confide in, tell them about how you are feeling.

You could also try speaking to one of our Click listeners in the listening room, where you can explore your feelings and the question marks that linger over your relationship.

Staying together may be a difficult choice to make. Keep in mind that, in some cases, relationships become stronger after one partner has had an affair. The situation can prompt both partners to examine the relationship, get all the issues out in the open and deal with them.

Splitting up?


For some, adultery is unforgivable. If you cannot see a way back, you may want to end the relationship straight away.

However, you may want to give the relationship another go. The affair could leave a cloud over your relationship for some time, and you may find that, as time goes by, you still can’t move on from the incident. If this is the case, then you may decide that it’s best to leave.

This article on when a relationship ends can help you through this difficult time.

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