Understand WHY it is happening

Now let’s look at WHY this jealousy or trust issue might be happening.

It may be that there’s a hidden issue at play – and that’s the first thing we’ll investigate. A hidden issue is the root cause of a problem, one that’s not immediately visible on the surface. Sometimes hidden issues can stay hidden for long periods of time without ever being acknowledged. Press play on the animation below to get started.

When you start to dig, here are a few things to bear in mind:

Although it might not be pleasant, uncovering hidden issues will make you a little more aware of your own emotions and triggers – we call this ‘emotional intelligence’. Having more emotional intelligence means you’re more likely to have stronger and more satisfying relationships.

Yes, we’re going there… hidden issues are often connected to our parental relationships. This is because our interactions in childhood often forge our emotional associations, which in turn help shape the way we are. Hidden issues can also stem from previous relationships and even friendships.

In the interactive segment when Rav started looking into his history to find the source of the problem, he was dealing with memories that could have sparked some quite heavy emotional stuff. This can be quite unpleasant and even painful, which is another reason why talking it through with someone you trust can be helpful.

Although you’re in a relationship and you’re perhaps quite comfortable with one another, you may not be ready to talk to your partner about any hidden issues. That’s OK – recognising them in yourself is a good first step to working out what changes you can make.

Uncovering and understanding these hidden issues can be helpful for you personally, and it can also mean your partner knows how to be more sensitive towards you. For example, Laurie now knows why Rav is so sensitive about the idea of being second best, and he can make a specific effort – even with simple body language and small gestures – to make Rav feel like he’s a priority.

These might only be small changes, like being a bit more attentive, or listening to Rav a little more deliberately, but they’ll make all the difference. Eventually, Laurie could even help dissolve those insecurities of being second best. And what’s more, by supporting Rav in this way, he and Laurie would likely find that their relationship becomes stronger as a result.

For someone to expose a hidden issue, they need to dig into their own past and their own experiences. It could be very difficult and potentially damaging to try and do this for someone else. Instead, you can support them when they are ready for some help. If you’re close to them, they may have already told you bits and pieces about their history, so you can be valuable in their process. But it is their process, so it’s generally better for them to approach it in their own time and at their own pace. 

When you’re done with hidden issues, you can move on to the next page – which is the very practical bit.