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You’re here because you think your partner might be in debt. You may have picked up on clues in their behaviour, or perhaps the credit card statements have been disappearing lately. This article can help you understand what your partner is going through and how you might start a conversation about your concerns.

Learning to recognise the effects of stress

How you react to stress can depend on how stable your relationship is. When stressful events happen, it may be that one of you takes on the role of 'the strong one', offering support to help the other. This is a common thing for couples to do when they are trying to stay stable in difficult times.

Debt is stressful. People in debt often feel like they have lost control. They may feel guilty or embarrassed about having got into debt, and worried about how they will get out of it. And, because debt often means having to work more and spend less, that stress can be hard to cope with.

If your partner is hiding debt, you may have noticed some of these signs:

Mood swings.
Personality changes – like a quiet person getting angry or an energetic person being a bit down.
Not seeming like themselves, or being difficult to live with.
Overeating or undereating.
Sleeping too much or too little.
Arguing more.
Going out less.
Worrying about bills.
Secrecy.
Deflection.
Using credit cards more.
Hiding bills and statements.

Like some of the couples in our animations, you might have noticed a change in your partner’s behaviour without knowing what’s causing it. In both ‘The tycoon’ and ‘The breadwinner’, we see couples where one partner’s secretive behaviour around debt leads the other to suspect them of having an affair. In realise, these symptoms are all just signs of stress, and money problems are only one possible explanation. Whatever it is, you can be a source of support for your partner.

Having the conversation

Try to bear in mind the factors that could be getting in the way of your partner talking to you:

Pride. They don’t want you to know they’re not managing.
Shame. They’re worried about what you will think.
Guilt. They feel like the debt is their fault.
Fear. They don’t know how you will react to the news.

You might feel like it’s not your responsibility to start the conversation. You might not want to put your partner on the spot, or you feel that they should come to you. If you’ve decided to give them the initiative, you can still play an active role. Recognise that it won’t be easy for them. Make yourself available and let them know it’s OK to talk about whatever’s worrying them.

If you’ve decided to start the conversation yourself, the following tips might help:

Set your judgement aside. Try to see things from your partner’s perspective. They might feel like they’re doing the right thing in trying not to worry you.
Avoid accusations. Rather than saying, “I think you’re hiding something from me”, try saying, “I’m worried something is wrong, and I’m not sure what it is”. Rather than, “You’re always working overtime these days”, try, “We don’t seem to have as much time together as we used to”.
Explain things from your own point of view. Talk about how you’ve been feeling, and make it clear that you’d feel better if you were included in whatever is going on.
Offer support. Let your partner know you want to help.
Pick your moment. It’s often easier to have difficult conversations when you’re not face to face. Try going for a walk in the park where the silences can be less awkward and your body language is less challenging.

Reactions – yours and theirs

Be prepared for an emotional reaction. If your partner has been hiding debt from you, they may be feeling guilty, embarrassed, or disempowered at having lost control. When you bring it up, they might get defensive, feeling like they’ve been caught out. That’s OK – you’ve still opened the conversation.

It might take your partner some to give you the full story. Remind them that sharing the burden will allow you to offer practical and emotional support. You may have a strong emotional reaction yourself when you find out about your partner’s debts. Like some of the people in our animations, you might feel hurt, angry, or betrayed. You’re allowed this reaction. Give it some time to sink in, and then try to work with your partner to move forward.

Moving forward

The first step is to work on resolving the debt together. If your partner has not contacted a debt advice organisation, you can do this together. Working to resolve the debt can not only ease the financial burden, but also start to lift the pressure, and reduce the conflict. If you’re not involved in the family finances at all, let your partner know you want to be included. Finances affect you too, and it’s important to have an idea of what’s going on.

You may have to cut back your spending, but this doesn’t mean you should stop making time for each other. As we heard in ‘The rollercoaster’, it’s important to be able to spend time together as a couple.

Some of the couples we spoke to told us about how they had cut their spending:

Look for cheaper alternatives to your preferred activities. In ‘The pay cut’, we see a football fan paying for a subscription radio service as a cheaper alternative to going to all the games.
Go out but spend less. If you go for a meal, just have one course. Get a bottle of wine or some cans from the shop to take home.
Buy and sell online or in second hand shops.
When the weather is nice, take walks and picnics in the park.
Look up free activities are in your area – there might be hidden gems to discover on your doorstep.

You might need some time to adjust and move forward. You may need to change the way the finances are managed so that there is more transparency. Let your partner know that you need time to adjust emotionally, but that you would like to work with them at resolving the debt.

As you work together to make positive changes, you can start to rebuild your trust for your partner again.

Issues

Personal struggles

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