Figure out WHAT is going on

The first step is to look at WHAT is happening. 

Let’s stand back, look at the specific communication issue, and get all analytical for a second. Describe the issue to yourself out loud and see if you can put it into a sentence.

For example:

• “My partner doesn’t take anything seriously, everything’s a joke”.
• “My partner tells me I’m a poor listener”.
• “My partner always wants deep and meaningfuls, which is exhausting”.
• “Simple disagreements turn a bit nasty”.
• “Our conversations dry up really fast”.
  
  

Here are a few tips to help you get your head around the issue:

When communication fails in some way, it can be hard to pin down exactly what went wrong.

To make sense of it, take a step back and look at the whole thing from an external perspective. It might be helpful to get your thoughts straight by writing them down or saying them out loud to a friend. 

A friend who’s not interested in drama is ideal. And it helps to have someone who knows you and your partner. They can help you find a balanced perspective.

Facing your true feelings is a very healthy and empowering thing to do. Don’t try to convince yourself one way or the other, and don’t overcomplicate it with what you think you should feel. 

Considering the other person’s perspective is something that many people don’t do, but it’s worth doing. Practising empathy will not only help you get a grip of the issue, but it will also help you resolve issues in a more sensitive and efficient way. 

Now you’ve taken a step back and observed the communication issue that you’re dealing with, we’ll look at the root causes.