He giggled in the bed next to me, looking away across the room and then back at me. “What’s up?” I knew what he wanted to say. He’d been on the verge of saying it a couple of times this week. I silently willed him to tell me, my insides squirming. “I’m having a lot of feelings,” he said, a grin plastered on his face. “What kind of feelings?” I asked. He turned to face me, looking me in the eyes, head half buried in the pillow. “I love you.” I looked right back at him. “I love you too!” I put my arms around him and squeezed my head into his chest. “I was worried you would think it’s too soon,” he said. “We’ve only been dating a few weeks.” “I was thinking the same thing.” I was so happy then, but over the next five months I came to realise that “I love you” meant different things to us. Many agree that love is very important when it comes to romantic relationships [1]. However, there are different kinds of love you can feel for others [2]. When it comes to creating a thriving relationship, you should make sure that you are on the same page as your partner about what love means to both of you [3]. To help you better understand what kind of love you value, you need to know what kinds of love exist. Kinds of love The ancient Greeks defined what are understood to be the traditional types of love. These include affectionate love that you might have for a friend, erotic love that you have for someone you are sexually attracted to, and unconditional love that translates to a deeper commitment [2]. These are important to cultivate in romantic relationships. Erotic love. Erotic love revolves around sentiments, lust, and physical affection. This is the sort of love you would feel towards someone you’re attracted to. The butterflies in your stomach, the desire to impress, the anticipation of when you will see them next. This love is connected to your reproductive drive and is more of an instinct than a conscious decision. It is considered important to nurture in a romantic relationship [2]. Unconditional love. The Greeks defined this as a selfless love given freely, without strings attached. Unconditional love is not about ignoring things that are frustrating or that need work but loving your partner despite these things. Unlike erotic love, this is the kind of love that you consciously decide to give once you get to know your partner intimately [2]. Affectionate love. This is typically the kind of love you have with your friends. It is platonic and does not revolve around sexual attraction. It is dependable and trusting. You can have this kind of love for your partner alongside romantic and unconditional love – this is what people mean when they say their partner is also their best friend [2]. Why love is important in relationships Generally, love is about emotional intimacy, commitment and attraction. It can involve different expectations and desires. Talking to your partner about what love means to them can help you determine whether your values are the same, and to know what to expect from them. Research shows that leading causes of relationship breakdown are incompatibility and unrealistic expectations. Choosing your partner carefully and communicating what is important to you in a relationship can help you find someone compatible [3]. Talking about love While it may seem like a big conversation to have, it’s actually helpful to have this conversation when you first start dating. This is a good time to find out whether or not you value the same things. Talking to them about love can help you determine if it means the same thing to them as it does to you, giving you realistic expectations for the future [3]. It’s also worth remembering that people can change over time and values can too. Once you’re in a relationship, talking regularly about deeper level things can help keep you on the same page and improve your intimacy [3]. What do you value about love? To help you determine what you expect in a relationship, it can be helpful to do a values exercise. Love is something you can find valuable, as well as instinctual. Determining what is important to you can help build your self-esteem and make you feel more confident about what you want. This can improve your communication skills, which can help you build a thriving relationship. Take some time to think about what your values might be when it comes to love and romantic relationships. Some examples of values are acceptance, honesty, respect, and patience. Make a list and label each value’s importance to you with a ‘V’ for very important, a ‘Q’ for quite important, and an ‘N’ for not important. You might be surprised by your results! If you are in a serious relationship, it might be helpful for your partner to do the same exercise and then take some time to discuss your results together. Your values can change over time, so repeat this exercise every few months to remind yourself what is important to you [4]. Remember... Creating and maintaining a thriving relationship takes time and practice. Keep experimenting, don’t give up, and reflect on what is important to you. Written by Helen Molloy References [1] Cassepp-Borges, V., Gonzales, J.E., Frazier, A. (2023). Love and Relationship Satisfaction as a Function of Romantic Relationship Stages. Trends in Psychol.  https://doi.org/10.1007/s43076-023-00333-4 [2] Konstan, David. (2010). Love and cognition: The view from ancient Greece - and beyond. Neuropsychologica (8), 1-8. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/293093545_Love_and_cognition_The_view_from_ancient_Greece_-_and_beyond [3] Barlow. A, Ewing. J, Janssens. A & Blake. S. (2018). The Shakleton Relationships project. https://socialsciences.exeter.ac.uk/media/universityofexeter/collegeofsocialsciencesandinternationalstudies/lawimages/familyregulationandsociety/shackletonproject/Shackelton_Relationships_Report_2018_8pp_v5.pdf [4] Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap (2nd Ed). Robinson Publishing.

Emotion regulation is a strategy we use, that we are aware of and unaware of, that impacts how we respond to an emotion [1]. It is a skill that we are introduced to in childhood. Often, we mirror what our parents did to emotionally regulate [2]. This means that how you teach your child to do this can really impact how they respond to stress, and how well they function as an adult [3]. Try some of the following suggestions to help your child regulate their emotions. What does being in crisis look like? First, it’s important to know what it looks like when a child is in crisis. Being in crisis can look different in each child, as it does in adults. It also depends on the circumstances [4]. When threatened, our bodies go into one of three modes: fight, flight, or freeze [5]. A child will display behavior that reflects one of these modes. For example, a child may withdraw and find it difficult to communicate (freeze), they may run away (flight), or they may show aggression by damaging something, like ripping a page out of a book (fight) [6]. When children get upset, they might express it in a way that may not be socially acceptable or helpful to them. This is because they are still learning how to regulate their emotions and express them in helpful ways. Guiding children on how to regulate their emotions in ways that are helpful to them is part of emotional regulation. This can help them become grounded and resilient adults [6]. Why do children go into crisis? There are many reasons why a child might get upset, as with adults. A child may get frustrated because they are not getting something they want or if they are asked to do something they don’t want to do. Expressing emotions like frustration, sadness, and anxiety is a normal part of our lives. Emotions serve a purpose and give us helpful information. They may be saying that you need to make a change to your environment or behavior to survive or cope with your current situation. Essentially, they work to keep us alive. This is true for children's emotions too [6]. What you can do to help There are lots of ways you can help your child regulate their emotions. Here are a few, created by psychologists to help you support your child’s emotional development. The 3 Rs skill This skill was created by Dr Bruce Perry to help vulnerable children learn, think, and reflect. It helps support children to go from feeling stressed to feeling calm. This makes them more able to reflect on their behavior. Regulate. This can help children come out of fight, flight, or freeze mode and calm their stress. At this stage, offer them comfort and reassurance. Relate. Connect to the child through specific and sensitive communication. Empathise with how they are feeling and validate their feelings. This can make them feel seen, heard, and understood. Reason. When the child is calm and connected, you can start to help them reflect on the situation. You can do this by offering suggestions for why things are the way they are and what may be best to do [7]. The WINE skill WINE (wonder, imagine, notice, and empathise) is a set of statements that can be used in any situation, but may be helpful in opening a line of communication with a child if you can see that something isn’t quite right with them. It can help children feel seen and understood, and help you learn what is going on for them [8]. “I notice you are not finding it easy to finish colouring in your picture.” “I wonder if that’s because something is worrying you.” “I’d imagine its hard being away from home at the moment” “What would help you with this?” The PACE skill This skill can help build connections between you and your child. Emotional regulation is affected by everyday experiences and the approach we take to them. PACE is something you can use with your child to encourage them and help them succeed at regulating their emotions. P – PlayfulnessPlayfulness means adopting a lighthearted and reassuring manner, to be open, calm, and engaged with your child and whatever you are doing together. This can help them be less defensive and more reflective – which means having more fun! A – AcceptanceAcceptance means unconditionally accepting feelings, thoughts, and struggles. It means normalising emotions and offering affirmations to help the child feel strong and capable. Something like “We know this is hard, and you are doing it anyway! You’re so cool!” C – CuriosityCuriosity means supporting the development of their self-awareness so they can identify the reasons behind their own actions. You could ask questions like, “Why do you think you did that?” E – EmpathyEmpathy means showing compassion for your child. Being present in the moment to understand the child’s experiences as they do while validating their feelings and experience [9]. How to approach using these skills There can be a lot of pressure on parents to always make the right decision. This is not realistic as we are human, and everyone makes mistakes. The only way to get better is to practice. Be vulnerable and open to failure while knowing that you are doing the best thing you can for your child. These are a few of many skills you could try. Give them a go and let us know how you get on! [10] Written by Helen Molloy References [1]  Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews. (2018). Emotion Regulation. Science Direct. https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/emotion-regulation [2] Weir, K. (2023). How to help kids understand and manage their emotions. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting/emotion-regulation#:~:text=Connect%3A%20Studies%20show%20that%20children,secure%20attachment%20with%20your%20child. [3] Hampson SE, Edmonds GW, Barckley M, Goldberg LR, Dubanoski JP, Hillier TA. A Big Five approach to self-regulation: personality traits and health trajectories in the Hawaii longitudinal study of personality and health. (2016). Psychol Health Med. 21(2):152-162. doi:10.1080/13548506.2015.1061676 [4] High speed training. (2023). Child Mental Health Training v4. CPD certified. Child Mental Health Training | Online Course & Certification (highspeedtraining.co.uk) [5] National Institue for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine. (2024). Applying the 3 Circles Model of Emotion to Help Clients Heal Shame. https://www.nicabm.com/3circles/#:~:text=According%20to%20Paul%20Gilbert%2C%20PhD,systems%20are%20out%20of%20balance. [6] High speed training. (2023). Challenging Behavior Training. CPD certified. https://www.nicabm.com/3circles/#:~:text=According%20to%20Paul%20Gilbert%2C%20PhD,systems%20are%20out%20of%20balance. [7] Perry, B. (2018). The Neurosequential Model in Education: Introduction to the NME Series: Trainer's Guide. The ChildTrauma Academy Press. https://beaconhouse.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/The-Three-Rs.pdf [8] Trauma Informed Schools UK. (2024). Whole School Staff Training: Trauma and Mental Health informed Schools and Communities. https://www.traumainformedschools.co.uk/ [9] Hughes, D. Golding, K. (2012). Creating Loving Attachments. Jessica Kingsley Publishers Ltd. http://www.danielhughes.org/p.a.c.e..html [10] Brown, B. (2013). Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection and Courage. Sounds True Inc.  https://www.soundstrue.com/products/the-power-of-vulnerability

Breakups can be really hard and can take a while to recover from. It is normal to think about your breakup and your ex, and it’s good to reflect on the situation to understand what happened and to recognise how you feel about it. This is essential to recovering. However, reflecting too much can get in the way of other parts of your life, like meeting up with friends, taking care of your basic needs, or work responsibilities. It’s to be expected that you won’t be feeling your best, perhaps for a while, and it is good to be understanding and kind to yourself when other parts of your life are affected. However, there are distractions you can use to help yourself recover and come back stronger [1, 2]. Unhelpful distractions Many coping mechanisms that people commonly use to distract themselves are not always helpful. Things such as alcohol, food, drugs, or sleeping around without using protection. These distraction techniques can put you at risk of being hurt more. It can also mean you are not giving yourself time to process your feelings about your former relationship, which can mean it takes longer to stop hurting and thinking about your ex [3]. Helpful distractions On the other hand, there are lots of helpful distractions that can be used to help you feel more fulfilled after a breakup. Engaging in activities that you enjoy or that give you a sense of meaning outside of your relationship will boost your self-worth and help draw you out of over-reflecting [2]. Values. Have a think about what is more important to you than your ex. You could do this values exercise (found at the bottom of the article). Engage in things outside of your relationship with them that are important to you. This could be connecting with family relationships, applying yourself at work, or taking care of your child or pet [4]. Goals. Breakups can take up a lot of emotional and physical energy, so goals set should be small. It could be something like ‘making my bed today’ or ‘cooking myself dinner tonight’. If you want some advice on how to set a goal, try this goal setting exercise in our How to build your self-esteem article [4]. Connecting with others. Even if this is not on your list of values, spending time with others (especially those who are close to you that you trust) can be really helpful as a distraction. Spending time with others and talking to them about the breakup as well as things unconnected to it can help you process your feelings, give you a different perspective, and help you realise what else is important to you [5]. Self-soothe. Self-soothing can be a beneficial distraction technique to help you process your emotions. Doing nice things for yourself can benefit your self-esteem, even if you don’t feel you are very good at it, practicing it can be beneficial. Everyone finds different things soothing. Check out the 'Ideas for practicing mindful stimming' section in this article. These can be used by anyone who wants ideas for self-soothing activities [2, 6]. Gratitude. Gratitude can be very helpful as a distraction technique; help you process your emotions and benefit your self-esteem. It can help give you a new perspective and connect you to different emotions other than sadness/grief. To connect to gratitude, think about things you are grateful for in your life. These can be big or small. Anything from a supportive parent or friend to having breakfast this morning. It can help to write these down and come back to them when you feel bad [7]. Remember… Breakups are really hard - it takes time to process what happened and how you feel! Give yourself time, and practice being kind and empathetic to yourself. You could also try these skills for helpful distractions when you need them. Let us know how you get on with them! For more advice to do with breakups, see this page on our website. Written by Helen Molloy  References [1] NHS South of England. (2013). Fact Sheet: Coping With a Relationship Breakup. https://severndeanery.nhs.uk/assets/Professional-Support/Coping-with-a-Relationship-Break-Up.pdf [2] Linehan, M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd Ed). Guilford Press. [3] Schaffner, A. (2023). 10 Most Common Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms: A List. https://positivepsychology.com/unhealthy-coping-mechanisms/ [4] Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap (2nd Ed). Robinson Publishing. [5] Barutçu. K, Adjustment to breakup of romantic relationships: initiator status, certainty about the reasons of breakup, current relationship status and perceived social support, 2009. [6] Guy-Evans, Simply Psychology. (2023, 12). Do You Know How To Manage Your Emotions And Why It Matters? Emotional Regulation: Learn Skills To Manage Your Emotions. https://www.simplypsychology.org/emotional-regulation.html [7] Wong, Y. Owen, J. Gabana, N. Brown, J. McInnis, S. Toth, P. (2016). Does gratitude writing improve the mental health of psychotherapy clients? Evidence from a randomized controlled trial. Psychotherapy Research, 28(2), https://doi.org/10.1080/10503307.2016.1169332

When it comes to adult relationships, you need to be able to depend on others – and have them depend on you in return. This is natural and healthy. However, when dependency begins to shift from a shared dynamic to a one-sided expectation, your relationship may begin to suffer from something called ‘codependency’. What is codependency? Codependency is an unhealthy relationship dynamic in which one person is usually ‘the giver’ and the other is ‘the taker’. The giver assumes responsibility for the taker’s needs, often neglecting their own needs and feelings in the process. This dynamic can happen in all kinds of relationships, including family members, friends, and romantic partners [1]. It's important to note that sometimes relationships may require one person to be more dependent on the other for a time. This can include parents/carers and children, illnesses, periods of bereavement or unemployment, and more. While these situations may include elements of codependency, they are different from codependency itself. What causes codependency? There are many reasons codependency can become a dynamic in a relationship. This can include: poor boundaries, low self-worth, empathy, adverse life experiences, substance abuse, and unequal family roles. Often it is a mixture of reasons on both sides. What does codependency do to a relationship? Left unchecked, codependency can create a power imbalance within relationships. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, frustration, insecurity, loneliness, anger, isolation, and anxiety. While it is more likely that ‘the giver’ will be impacted most, ‘the taker’ may also feel some of these feelings as well. Without proper communication codependency can lead to relationship breakdown, or in extreme cases, abuse (physical, mental, emotional). Signs of codependency in a relationship It can be hard to recognise a codependency dynamic in your own relationships, especially if you enjoy caring for others. There is also a difference to relationships where coercive control is a significant problem. If you feel forced into the giving role or if someone is making decisions for you against your will, it’s important to reflect on why this is happening and whether you might be in a controlling relationship. Some of the following behaviours may be signs of codependency in your relationship [2]: ‘Walking on eggshells’ when you’re around someone. Asking for permission to do anything. Apologising even if you haven’t done anything wrong. Feeling sorry for someone, even if they hurt you. Trying to ‘rescue’ or ‘fix’ someone. Doing anything someone asks, even if you are uncomfortable. Putting someone on a pedestal. Needing someone to ‘like you’ in order to feel good about yourself. Having no free time to yourself. Feeling like you don’t know who you are. How to create balance in your relationships It’s important to spend time with others in order to build healthy relationships and improve your own mental health. However, it is equally important to make time for your own interests alongside any romantic relationships or friendships. Pursuing individual interests can help strengthen your sense of who you are. In fact, studies have found that working on yourself (alongside working on your relationships) actually helps your relationships to thrive [3, 4]. To help you create this balance in your relationships, try some of the following practical tips and tricks: Practice solitude. Take some time to be by yourself every day and do something that is just for you. Reflect on your current relationships. This can help you identify problem areas and safe spaces with those closest to you. Recognise your emotions. Being able to understand and accept how you are feeling can help you build emotional resilience and intelligence. Use a gratitude journal. Taking note of the things in your life you are thankful for will help you build a strong sense of what is important to you. Invest in your own hobbies. Make time or set aside budget for activities and interests that you enjoy to enhance your sense of self. Take small steps. Think about what you can do in the short term to help establish boundaries with your loved one. Be assertive. It may be difficult to put yourself before others, but it is important to value and consider your own thoughts and desires. Many of these actions may feel counterintuitive, especially if you take genuine pleasure in helping others or making them happy. Just remember – independence in a relationship does not mean you are cut off from someone or need to suddenly say ‘no’ to everything! It means you are taking positive steps towards balancing your relationships in a way that encourages both sides to thrive. Please note that the above advice and actions do not apply to anyone who is in a relationship that is controlling or otherwise abusive. If you feel this is you, visit our resource page to receive help from the right sources. References [1] Knapek, E., & Kuritárné Szabó, I. (2014). A kodependencia fogalma, tünetei és a kialakulásában szerepet játszó tényezők [The concept, the symptoms and the etiological factors of codependency]. Psychiatria Hungarica : A Magyar Pszichiatriai Tarsasag tudomanyos folyoirata, 29(1), 56–64. [2] Gould, VeryWellMind.(2022). How to Spot the Signs of Codependency. Codependency: How to Recognize the Signs (verywellmind.com) [3] Barlow. A, Ewing. J, Janssens. A & Blake. S. (2018). The Shakleton Relationships project. Microsoft Word - Shackleton Report Master Copy Final Draft 28-06-18 JE - updated v2.docx (exeter.ac.uk) [4] Hansen, H. (2024). How mastering the art of being alone can boost your mental health. NewScientist. https://institutions.newscientist.com/article/mg26134840-400-how-mastering-the-art-of-being-alone-can-boost-your-mental-health/  

Do you struggle with switching out of work mode at the end of the day? If you find yourself constantly working, thinking about work, or talking about work, it can have a negative impact – especially on your relationships with others. This is why creating a good work-life balance is an important and healthy thing to do. What is work-life balance?Simply put, work-life balance is the time you spend doing your job versus the time you spend doing things you enjoy, like hanging out with the people you love [1]. A healthy work-life balance comes down to setting clear boundaries between your work and the rest of your life. This means knowing when to work and when to relax. However, if you do not have clear boundaries, work can negatively affect your relationships with others. If you find yourself bringing work home to do outside of work hours, it may take or interrupt time you would spend with your partner, children, friends, or family. This may be necessary every now and then, but if it happens a lot, it can start to hurt the people you care about [2]. What can you do to improve your work-life balance? There are several things you can do to make sure your work-life balance is healthy, and not interfering with your workload or your personal relationships. Boost your motivation If you struggle with motivation while you’re at work, try taking a minute to write out your thoughts in a way that is helpful to you. Making a list or writing in a journal can help you define your goals and remember what is important in your life. This can help you feel more confident in making decisions and increase positive emotions [3]. If you are looking for focused exercises, try a SMART goal setting exercise or a defining values exercise. Reduce distractions Distractions during work hours can make it harder to obtain a good balance of work and life. An easy way to separate ‘work’ from ‘personal’ is to make sure you have a designated workspace [4]. This could be at your office, a quiet room in your home, or even your favourite café. If you aren’t able to create a designated space for yourself, try wearing noise-cancelling headphones to help yourself focus. Being able to control the environment you work in will allow you to limit your distractions [5]. When you enter that ‘work’ space, you can focus on getting your tasks done for the day. It also will help you transition from work to home when you leave it, giving you time to switch out of ‘work mode’ and relax. If you find it hard to transition out of work mode, try putting away your work devices at the end of the day so you aren’t tempted to check in. You can also go for a walk to help establish a sense of distance. This is especially helpful for remote workers! Establish boundaries With mobile phones, most of us seem to be available 24/7. Receiving texts or messages from friends and family during work hours can get in the way of completing tasks. Similarly, checking work emails or getting calls from your boss when you’re not at work can interrupt important downtime. If you feel your devices open up a door to distraction or ignored boundaries, consider leaving your device in another room or a drawer. This can be done during work hours or home time to help you focus on being present when (and where) you need to be. For those who use their personal devices for work, make use of filters and apps (such as Do Not Disturb) that will help limit your access to work notifications when you’re at home. Be patient with yourself Creating a good work-life balance takes practice. Make sure you try different ways to help create that balance in your life to find what works best for you. This might even involve asking your friends and family to follow similar ‘no devices’ rules to ensure you are all present together.By Helen Molloy References[1] Cambridge Dictionary. “Work-life balance, https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/work-life-balance.” Accessed December 19, 2023. [2] Howard Kennedy. (2020). Relationship breakdown and the workplace. Available frrom: https://sites-howardkennedy.vuture.net/113/1332/landing-pages/relationship-breakdown-and-the-workplace-report.pdf [3] Baikie, K. A., & Wilhelm, K. (2005). Emotional and physical health benefits of expressive writing. Advances in Psychiatric Treatment : the Royal College of Psychiatrists' Journal of Continuing Professional Development, 11(5), 338–346. https://doi.org/10.1192/apt.11.5.338 [4] Allen, T. D., Merlo, K., Lawrence, R. C., Slutsky, J., & Gray, C. E. (2021). Boundary Management and Work‐Nonwork Balance While Working from Home. Applied Psychology, 70(1), 60–84. https://doi.org/10.1111/apps.12300 [5] Clark, S. C. (2000). Work/Family Border Theory: A New Theory of Work/Family Balance. Human Relations (New York), 53(6), 747–770. https://doi.org/10.1177/0018726700536001

When you decide to separate from your partner or spouse, it can be a challenging to navigate, especially if you have children. To help equip you with the practical tools and skills you need to move forward, a new app has been released by OnePlusOne – the relationship experts behind Click. What is Separating better? Separating better is an app that uses videos and articles based on real life scenarios to offer solutions and advice for those on the co-parenting journey. The aim of the app is to equip you with skills to resolve arguments and improve communication between you and your ex-partner, which will build a healthier environment for your children. Separating better is now available to download free from app stores. Download for Apple Download for Android What does the app do? In situations where you and your ex-partner are disagreeing, your children are at risk of being caught in the middle. Separating better reduces this risk by providing a how-to guide for co-parenting, so you can always find a way through that puts your children first.   By engaging with the app content, you’ll learn skills that will help you create and maintain safe environments for your children to grow up. Separating better gives you complete access to professional, evidence-based content such as: Work it out videos based on everyday situations. These illustrate how things like shouting, blaming, and complaining can hurt children who feel caught in the middle between their parents before showing you how to improve each situation. Evidence-based articles that offer you expert advice and guidance on the many stages of separation and co-parenting. An emotional readiness quiz to help you reflect on where you are emotionally in your separation journey. You can also set personal goals to help you progress in your understanding of the app content. A parenting plan to allow you and your ex-partner to co-parent effectively. This plan helps you both lay out the parenting tasks you each need to be responsible for, taking into account the individual needs of your children. A budget planner to assist you in creating a budget for your household. This will allow you to get a better hold on your finances as your household bills and incomes change. A goals tracker to remind you where you want to make improvements, changes, or turnarounds in your own parenting journey. Why should I download this app? While not every family circumstance may be safe for children, evidence shows that children are happiest when there is clear communication between their parents – regardless of whether they are together or separated. If you are a parent who is separating from your partner and intending to co-parent, Separating better can help you improve your relationships with your ex and your children. By putting daily disagreements and situations into perspective, you’ll be able to see the impact of reactions like shouting, sulking, and blaming, and how you can work to make improvements every day. To find out more about Separating better, please visit: https://www.oneplusone.org.uk/separating-better

Anxious thoughts can often take us by surprise. With a bit of reflection and planning, you can learn to understand these thoughts and address them in the moment. This can be especially helpful when you have to make quick decisions about how to act. What are anxious thoughts? Anxious thoughts centre around fear and unease. They can take many forms, including unpleasant images or a worried voice. Everyone experiences anxious thoughts at times. They can be a perfectly natural reaction to everyday events and challenges, like meeting a deadline or having a disagreement with a co-worker. Anxious thoughts occur because your mind is trying to keep you safe. They can help you to focus or take extra care when needed. However, if they become overwhelming or too frequent, they can negatively affect daily life and relationships [1, 2]. How do anxious thoughts affect relationships? When anxious thoughts become unhelpful, they can have an impact on how you operate in a relationship. On one hand, you might avoid your partner or shy away from intimacy. On the other, you might become more dependent on your partner, afraid of being abandoned. Taken to extremes, both of these responses can be problematic as it means one partner must work harder to keep the relationship going, ultimately increasing the likelihood of relationship breakdown [3, 4, 5, 6, 7]. Thriving couples have a reciprocal relationship. They recognise the need to work on their relationship and themselves. During times of adversity, couples who pull together can actually make their relationship stronger. One way to do this is by sharing your anxious thoughts with your partner and looking for solutions together [8, 9].  When do anxious thoughts become unhelpful? Whenever these thoughts begin to disrupt your day-to-day life, it’s important to seek help. Therapy, such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), can provide you with tools to help effectively treat anxiety. One of the metaphors ACT uses to describe how anxious thoughts can become unhelpful is Passengers on a Bus. Imagine you’re a bus driver who drives down the same old road, sticking to what you know instead of choosing to take any risky turns off your route. Your passengers give you biased advice, which represents your anxious thoughts. Any time you attempt to take a more exciting route, your passengers protest and demand you stay on the same old road. The metaphor suggests that in order to follow a different route, you must accept that your ‘passengers’ are a part of the bus but not in control, and continue on the route you want to take [5]. How can we address anxious thoughts in the moment? It can help to recognise anxious thoughts as they occur. An easy way to do this is by practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness can also guide you to the most helpful route. One way to practice mindfulness is an ACT skill called ‘Dropping Anchor’. There are three parts to this skill, which you can remember by using the acronym ‘ACE’ [11]. By using this skill, you can metaphorically drop anchor, acknowledging the anxious thoughts in your head before re-engaging with your life.   A – Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings What memories, sensations, and emotions are showing up for you right now? Remember to be curious and kind to yourself. C – Come back into your body Engage with your physical body. Press your feet into the floor, stretch out your neck or shoulders, or take a few deep breaths.  Whatever will help you reconnect with your body. E – Engage with what you were doing Remember where you are and what you were doing. Look around the room and notice five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Then bring your full attention to what you were doing. Try practising this for a few minutes three or four times when needed! You might want to write it down or take a screenshot to help you remember.By Helen Molloy  References [1] NHS. (2024). Managing anxiety. Better Health, every mind matters. Anxiety - Every Mind Matters - NHS (www.nhs.uk) [2] Harris, R. (2022). Chapter 8: Frightening images, Painful memories. The happiness trap : stop struggling, start living (New edition). Robinson. [5] Harris, R (2019). ACT Made Simple : An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, New Harbinger Publications. ProQuest Ebook Central. http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/sheffield/detail.action?docID=5748522. [3] American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th). https://doi-org.sheffield.idm.oclc.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596 [4] Darcy, K. Davila, J. Beck, J. G. (2005). Is Social Anxiety Associated With Both Interpersonal Avoidance and Interpersonal Dependence? Cognitive Therapy and Research, Vol. 29, (No. 2), pp. 171–186 DOI: 10.1007/s10608-005-3163-4 sjny108-cotr-NY00003163.dvi (oclc.org) [5] Porter, E., & Chambless, D. L. (2017). Social Anxiety and Social Support in Romantic Relationships. Behavior therapy, 48(3), 335–348. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2016.12.002 [6] Cantazaro, A. and Wei, M. (2010). Adult Attachment, Dependence, Self-Criticism, and Depressive Symptoms: A Test of a Mediational Model. Journal of Personality, 78: 1135-1162. https://doi-org.sheffield.idm.oclc.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2010.00645.x [7] Meek, VeryWellMind. (2022). How Anxiety Affects Relationships. Anxiety In Relationships: Signs, Effects, and Ways to Cope (verywellmind.covm) [8] Barlow. A, Ewing. J, Janssens. A & Blake. S. (2018). The Shakleton Relationships project. Shackelton_Relationships_Report_2018_8pp_v5.pdf (exeter.ac.uk) [9] OnePlusOne. (2021, 11. 24). Rowing Boat [Vimeo]. Rowing boat | OnePlusOne on Vimeo [10] Harris, Russ. ACT Made Simple : An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, New Harbinger Publications, 2019. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/sheffield/detail.action?docID=5748522. [11] Harris, R. (2022). Chapter 5: How to drop anchor. The happiness trap: stop struggling, start living (New edition). Robinson.

Autistic people have the same need for connection and relationships as anyone else. However, if you or your partner are autistic, developing and maintaining your relationship might need different skills [1, 2].Autistic traits affect people in different ways. Some people might prefer routine. They might have differences in how they think about or do things, which can include a deep focus on a topic or interest. Autistic people are often active learners, are drawn to patterns and typically have an enhanced or reduced experience of taste, touch, sight, sound, or smell [3].As an autistic person, you might struggle to recognise someone's emotional state, but have very good empathy once you recognise it. You might also need to manage differences in sensory experience or mental processing. For example, using earplugs at a gig if the music is painfully loud, or taking a break in a calming environment to help process an exciting experience [2, 4]. How do autistic people regulate their emotions? Regulating emotions is key to building successful relationships. Emotions are closely tied to how we think and feel, and how we manage them can affect how we behave. Emotions go up and down throughout the day. Learning to effectively recognise and regulate them can help us act in line with our values within a relationship [5, 6].Autistic people often focus on balancing over- and under-stimulation to regulate their emotions by stimming. Stimming is stimulating your brain through a repetitive movement or vocalisation, such as hand flapping or humming. Everyone engages in stimming sometimes, but it is more common in autistic people, and may be more noticeable [7].During social interactions, autistic people may use a strategy called masking, to compensate for or hide autistic characteristics such as stimming. They might mask to avoid discrimination, smooth social interactions, or succeed in school or their job. Although these goals might be met, masking can have detrimental effects on relationships. It can cause a loss of identity, exhaustion, and mental health struggles, including suicidal thoughts [8].This may be because the purpose of masking is to avoid a threat: that of being excluded or lonely. Spending a lot of time avoiding threat can cause high levels of stress, possibly leading to burnout [9]. You can read more about stress and burnout in Stress, burnout and relationships.While stimming and masking can be useful in regulating emotions, and helpful for building relationships, they can also be harmful. But there are skills that you can use to help apply them effectively [10]. Mindful stimming and masking Mindfulness is noticing sensations inside and outside your body. It involves focusing and moving your attention around to explore things through your senses. Mindfulness can help you recognise and address your feelings and how others are feeling, which can improve your relationships and your wellbeing. It can help you become more aware of stimming or masking and give you more control over which stimming method to use depending on the situation. Ultimately, mindfulness can help you recognise and respond in the most helpful way when you are over- or under-stimulated [11, 12]. How to practice mindfulness The NHS recommends practicing mindfulness in your daily life: noticing sensations as you brush your teeth or the sounds of the world as you walk to work. You can also try activities that focus on mindfulness like yoga, tai chi, or meditation. Being led by someone in a practice can help you hone your skills in being mindful [13, 14, 15]. Ideas for practicing mindful stimming Below are some mindful stimming ideas. Although we have split them into calming and alerting, different things will suit different people.  It can be useful to try some and make your own list of things that suit you [16]. Calming activities Alerting activities   Sucking a lolly or sweet Sucking a yoghurt or thick milkshake through a straw Walking with a backpack on Press-ups or chair press-ups Chill-out time before a stressful activity Rearranging furniture Engaging in heavy manual tasks around the garden e.g. digging Swimming Wearing a heavy coat or blanket over the shoulders Creating a sensory corner to go to at any time you want Sitting, leaning, or rolling on a gym ball Playing with sensory toys Doing a five-minute meditation or a 10-minute yoga video Trying a progressive muscle relaxation exercise [17]   Chewing gum Drinking a hot or cold drink like a tea or a juice Squeezing a stress ball or fiddling with a fidget toy Knitting or crocheting Short bursts of fast movement like jogging, jumping, dancing Clapping activities Making faces Stamping your feet Eating spicy or crunchy food Smelling or tasting citrus Sucking sour sweets Being playful Applying lip balm Singing or playing an instrument Taking notes Drawing something  Top tip Try watching the Netflix show Atypical. It’s a coming-of-age story about an autistic person who leaves home for university, experiencing his first relationship and best friend. Relating to someone onscreen can be comforting and empowering. Learn more about autism and relationships see these free videos from the NHS. References If you want to know more about any more about the things we’ve mentioned in this article, we’ve included a list of references below: [1] Strunz, S. Schermuck, C. Ballerstein, S. Ahlers, C.J. Dziobek, I. Roepke, S. (2016). Romantic Relationships and Relationship Satisfaction Among Adults With Asperger Syndrome and High-Functioning Autism. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 73 (1), 113-125. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22319 [2] He, J.L., Williams, Z.J., Harris, A. et al. (2023) A working taxonomy for describing the sensory differences of autism. Molecular Autism 14, (15). https://doi-org.sheffield.idm.oclc.org/10.1186/s13229-022-00534-1 [3] National Autistic Society (2023). What is Autism? What is autism [4] Warrier, V., Toro, R., Chakrabarti, B. et al. (2018) Genome-wide analyses of self-reported empathy: correlations with autism, schizophrenia, and anorexia nervosa. Translational Psychiatry 8, 35. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41398-017-0082-6 [5] Guy-Evans, Simply Psychology. (2023, 12). Do You Know How To Manage Your Emotions And Why It Matters? Emotional Regulation: Learn Skills To Manage Your Emotions (simplypsychology.org) [6] Barlow. A, Ewing. J, Janssens. A & Blake. S. (2018). The Shakleton Relationships project. Shackelton_Relationships_Report_2018_8pp_v5.pdf (exeter.ac.uk) [7] Gal, E., Dyck, M. J., & Passmore, A. (2002). Sensory differences and stereotyped movements in children with autism. Behaviour Change, 19(4), 207-219. https://www.proquest.com/scholarly-journals/sensory-differences-stereotyped-movements/docview/219349769/se-2 [8] Hull, L. Lai, M. Baron-Cohen, S. Allison, C. Smith P. Petrides, K. Mandy, W. (2020). Gender differences in self-reported camouflaging in autistic and nonautistic adults. Autism, Vol. 24(2) 352–363. Gender differences in self-reported camouflaging in autistic and non-autistic adults - Laura Hull, Meng-Chuan Lai, Simon Baron-Cohen, Carrie Allison, Paula Smith, KV Petrides, William Mandy, 2020 (sagepub.com) [9] Gilbert, P. (2009). Introducing compassion-focused therapy. Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, 15(3), 199-208. doi:10.1192/apt.bp.107.005264 [10] Frank, D.W. Dewitt, M. Hudgens-Haney, M. Scheaffer, D.J. Ball, B.H. Schwarz, N.F. Husseina, A.A. Smart, L.M. Sabatinelli, D. (2014). Emotion regulation: Quantitative meta-analysis of functional activation and deactivation. Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews 45, 202-211. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2014.06.010 [11] Kappen, G., Karremans, J.C., Burk, W.J. et al. (2018) On the Association Between Mindfulness and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction: the Role of Partner Acceptance. Mindfulness 9, 1543–1556. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-018-0902-7 On the Association Between Mindfulness and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction: the Role of Partner Acceptance | Mindfulness (springer.com) [12] Mindfulness for Autism Jessie Poquérusse1 & Francesco Pagnini1,2 & Ellen J. Langer1 # Springer Nature Switzerland AG 2020 P 80 41252_2020_180_Article 1..8 (oclc.org) [13] Linehan, M. (2014) DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd). Guilford Press.   [14] Levin, M. Hayes, S. C. (2011). Mindfulness and Acceptance: The Perspective of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Acceptance and Mindfulness in Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Understanding and Applying the New Therapies. John Wiley & Sons. [15] NHS. (2022, 09, 14). Mindfulness. NHS.UK. Mindfulness - NHS (www.nhs.uk) [16] Sheffield Health and Social Care NHS Foundation Trust. (2023). Understanding Autism Spectrum Disorder Group. https://www.shsc.nhs.uk/services/sheffield-adult-autism-and-neurodevelopmental-service-saans/understanding-autism-spectrum-disorder-group [17] Hamilton Health Sciences. (2017, 01, 19). How to reduce stress with progressive muscle relaxation. Youtube. We Know Why We Go | Bulk™ (youtube.com)

As a parent, you won’t be able to control everything that affects your child's mental health, but the way you act can make a big difference [1]. In this article we'll look at some skills you can use to support your child’s mental health. Using these skills can help your child feel motivated to improve their self-esteem, develop their social skills and do well at school. It can also improve your relationship with your child, your partner and even your community [2].   Causes of mental illness in children  Low self-esteem, an unstable home life and educational difficulties [3] can all cause mental health issues in children. Since Covid-19, many more children are struggling to manage their feelings and need social and behavioural support [4]. More than half of children don't receive enough support for their mental health, and issues can then carry on into adulthood. Giving children the support they need early on helps them to grow into healthy and capable adults [3]. What you can do to help Be interested in their interests  At school, children are often rewarded with a good mark or a teacher's approval. This can help them to do well, but when a child’s efforts go unnoticed it can be stressful for them. Taking an interest in other areas of your child's life can help them connect to a sense of purpose within themselves [3] and motivate them to engage in school. Talk to them about their worries, interests, likes, and dislikes.  Top tip: Ask your child how their day was after school – allow them to lead the conversation and ask them questions about what they want to talk about from their day.  Build a good relationship with school  Children spend a lot of their time at school. Working with their teachers can help you and your child address any challenges they may have in and out of the classroom. This can help you to understand what support your child needs to be able to thrive [5].   Consistency is also important. If there is a lack of trust between teachers and parents, it can lead to your child getting mixed messages [6]. Building a trusting relationship with your child’s school can mean more consistent care and better mental health for your child.   Top tip: Keep in touch with your child’s school and be open with teachers about any concerns you might have. Help them understand their emotions  The school environment can feel overwhelming for children and may trigger strong emotions. Learning how to effectively handle these emotions can help build connections and friendships with other children and teachers.   Being more aware of their emotions can help build a child's self-esteem [7]. It can help them communicate better, feel included, and feel more capable of solving problems.  Five ways to support your child’s emotional awareness:   Pay attention to your child's emotions, so you can recognise when they are upset.  Recognise your child’s expression of emotion as a chance to learn. Encourage them to talk about what they are feeling, and guide them before emotions escalate.  Be empathic and understanding. Listen to what is upsetting your child and let them know you understand their feelings and why they are upset.    Help your child learn to label their emotions with words. This can broaden your child’s vocabulary and help to soothe them. You can lead by example with your own emotions.  Set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations. All feelings and wishes are acceptable. Not all actions and behaviours are acceptable. When a child misbehaves it is important to help them identify their feelings and explain why their behaviour was inappropriate [8].  Top tip: A fun way to introduce emotions to your children is to watch the Pixar film Inside Out. It follows a girl called Riley whose emotions are characters in her head that control her behaviour.   Work on your relationship with your partner  How you and your partner interact has a big impact on your children. Having regular heated arguments and leaving them unresolved can affect your child’s mental health and their behaviour at school [9]. If your child is affected by your arguing, they might struggle to concentrate, feel angry and act aggressively to others, or avoid friends and the things they normally do for fun [3]. Couples in happy relationships work at keeping a good connection by talking regularly and seeing things from each other's point of view [2]. Working at your relationship helps to provide a stable home environment, which can help your child thrive [3].  Top tip: For tips on how to improve your relationship with your partner or co-parent, try See it differently [10], a website from OnePlusOne with advice on how to communicate calmly and clearly, avoiding harmful arguments.  Seek help  When parents are thriving, their children are more confident, happy, and more able to concentrate at school [3]. Thriving families typically have a network to support them through good and tough times [2]. Having a network of people you trust can help relieve stress, solve problems, and add to your child’s social life. You can also seek support from the communities you are part of, such as work, school, faith groups, or LGBTQ+ groups.   Top tip: Lean on friends and family for support: ask if grandparents can take the children for a while or have an evening phone call with a good friend.  If you're worried about your child’s mental health, give some of these ideas a try and let us know how you get on.   By Helen Molloy References Below is a list of references if you want to learn more about anything we have talked about.  [1] Music (2010). Nurturing Natures: Attachment and Children's Emotional, Sociocultural and Brain Development (3rd). Routledge.  [2] Barlow. A, Ewing. J, Janssens. A & Blake. S. (2018). The Shakleton Relationships project. Microsoft Word - Shackleton Report Master Copy Final Draft 28-06-18 JE - updated v2.docx (exeter.ac.uk)  [3] High speed training, child mental health training v4, CPD certified (2023). Child Mental Health Training | Online Course & Certification (highspeedtraining.co.uk)  [4] National centre for educational statistics (2022). The Zones of Regulation. The Zones of Regulation | A Curriculum For Emotional Regulation  [5] Rachael Levy (2023) Home–school communication: what we have learned from the pandemic, Education 3-13, DOI: 10.1080/03004279.2023.2186972  [6] Ozmen, F., Akuzum, C., Zincirli, M., & Selcuk, G. (2016). The communication barriers between teachers and parents in primary schools. Eurasian Journal of Educational Research, 66, 26-46 http://dx.doi.org/10.14689/ejer.2016.66.2  [7] Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap (2nd). Robinson.  [8]  Gottman, J.M., Katz, L.F. & Hooven, C. (1996). Parental meta-emotion philosophy and the emotional life of families: Theoretical models and preliminary data. Journal of Family Psychology, 10(3), 243–268.  [9] OnePlusOne. (2023). RPC Package: Reducing parental conflict. LA (oneplusone.org.uk)  [10] OnePlusOne, Good Things Foundation. (2023). See it differently. See it differently