So my title is the problem in short, one year ago my boyfriend, since 7 years, had an affair for 5 months with a girl , much younger than him, I found out because I got suspicious because suddenly he always was too tired to have sex with me, even just once a month was not happening, while we were trying to conceive... so then one day my intuition said; check his bag, and I found a long love letter, from a her to him, talking about love, the last phrases were saying that; " there is nothing wrong with telling someone you love them, but that sometimes people are too shy to tell them like wise " ... I confronted him with the letter and then he did admit that he was having an affair and he said he had feelings for this girl, but never told her he loved her and that what was written in the letter was all a "citation" from a book and that because she is so much younger then him, he was never thinking of leaving me for her. He said that it had happened because he was very stressed, under a lot of pressure, felt not understood by me and was not happy with our sex life, which for me was quite a surprise because I had asked him for months, what was going on, why he didn't feel like having sex anymore and he always replied that he was under a lot of stress at work and just very tired ... He asked me to forgive him, he didn't want to break up and he did want to build a family with me, so I stayed, I told myself that I would give it some months to understand how I felt and what to do, I am 38 years old ( he is 45 ) and we were looking for a bigger house to buy and trying to make a baby, it was a serious relationship that I didn't want to give up, so now we are almost 1 year further, a very difficult year for me, he is a doctor and works 12 hours a day , this last year he has worked 14 hours a day, included Sundays, so instead of working on our private life, he gave all his energy and more time to his work.. He has not taken any initiative to pick up our sex life, he said that while having his affair, he understood that he was missing things, that what he needs in our relationship, is me taking initiatives to have sex, though when he comes home he always says he is too tired to talk , just wants to eat and sleep, when I only put a hand on his lab, he pulls away or finds a reason to stand up and go to his phone or toilet or needs to check his agenda ... , so I tried to be understanding that he is tired and stressed and not putting more pressure on him, but then he says I don't take initiatives ... and after learning about the affair, I also think , that it is him that should show me that he wants me .. To make the story complete, a while before finding out about his affair, I also found viagra pills in his wallet, ( which started my suspicion ), I confronted him with it and he said; that because he was so tired and stressed out, he just felt more secure with having them with him, just incase ... Now, after the affair, he says that because I've found out about the viagra, he just doesn't feel comfortable with me, knowing that he might have taken viagra to have sex, that me knowing this, takes away his desire to have sex, because I might question if he really desires me or if it's the viagra talking.. I have made some harsh comments about the viagra, I felt hurt and very insecure about it, he was only willing to having sex with me once or twice a month ( when I was ovulating, as we were trying to conceive ), and he needed viagra to make that happen, it made me think he didn't find me attractive enough, I made it all about me, instead of trying to understand him better .. So now we are not having any sex since a year, we are not looking for a house anymore, all the serious future projects are off the table, he is working more then he ever did, we are kind of ok as long as we don't talk about all the serious things, but at least twice a month ( while I'm ovulating or before my period ) I really need to talk about it and his way of dealing with it is avoiding it and when I bring it up, he says I'm not understanding his needs and issues, that he does desires to have a family, that he is not seeing that girl anymore but that he feels blocked ... Anyone who went through something similar, any advice about what to do?

I didn't ever want to have to talk about this. It's so hurtful, but here I am. My boyfriend and I have been together eight years and it has been so amazing after ironing out the beginning, which should have just smacked me and clear then but nope. In the last three years, we haven't had sex. Nor kissing with passion. I get the same smooch his mother gets! No tight snuggles, no lying watching a movie together. It's him on his phone and I watch TV alone. I have tried and tried to start something but it's play-stupid and rollover game. After three years a person has been over-patient. It started as me trying to walk by him naked or spray my perfume on before bed, or sexy panties. I'm a small woman. Nothing has changed with me, and I get nothing from him, not even a rollover for a kiss. He faces away from me and turns his head to the side for my magical goodnight kiss. In the last seven months, I have started to say "I'm here why don't you want me"? But I get excuses or it gets turned around on me so I am made to feel bad. Now it's to the point of me crying and crying, "Why don't you want me?" "What can I do to change?". I was made to feel his sex drive was low and he is so sorry, blah blah blah.. Screw that! His sex drive isn't too low for porn! He hasn't been touching me but he sure has been doing it to porn... We have watched porn together. I'm up for it, for sure, to help get a little dirtier but when he doesn't touch me unless he's been watching porn... no thank you! And you know what kills me? After I sat many times over like an ass thinking he would stop, he won't. I told him it makes me feel ugly and unwanted and just discarded that he doesn't get aroused by me but has to use other women. I thought "My man isn't like that, he will stop, he knows it hurts me, and he wont hurt me". Boy, was I wrong. He not only keeps watching it alone but hides the page or clicks the home button when I walk in the room. I'm not a complete idiot. So again last night, I cried and begged him to please stop watching it alone. Touch me if you're horny, I'm right here, why aren't I good enough? And I get deny, deny, deny and now I'm crazy, I didn't see porn, he isn't watching that. I have problems, I'd better go see a counsellor. I'm an embarrassment, I'm being an Idiot... I'm told to f off, get out of his face, he's tired of my bullshit. Last night, I lay in bed with so much going on in my mind. I kept to myself, watched a movie and fell asleep. Woke up at 5:15 cause I rolled over and, hmmm, he was gone. I got up to pee and, lo and behold, there he was on the couch on his phone. As soon as he saw me, that phone was flipped over faster than you can imagine. So I asked, "Hey, wanna prove me wrong? Let me see your phone. Show me the last page you were on. Prove me a paranoid crazy woman, just show me something", and as I stood there crying, pleading to him to prove me I'm wrong he tells me he's tired and will show me later... And his phone is hidden. Weird how it isn't on the end table like it is every night for the last eight years! My last comment to him was, "If you can't show me your phone and prove me wrong, then I now know I'm 110% right." He isn't going to stop. He doesn't care how it makes me feel and what am I doing still writing this? No sex for three years, over-excessive pain and anger, that's how my life has been. But I do see I'm not alone. To any woman or man that has a partner that makes them feel this way – please don't keep hurting yourself by letting someone stomp on your trust and heart. You're amazing and don't let anyone tell or show you different. Sorry it's probably all over the map, I'm still shaking from this morning's hidden phone event! Someone, anyone, talk to me please.

I am at such a loss as to what to do and feel that I cant talk about this with anyone I know. It just feels embarrassing or too honest. My boyfriend and i started dating a year and a half ago. We immediately connected as friends and a month later, after a night of drunken fun, we had sex. I was just getting out of a toxic relationship and wasn't ready for a relationship or public dating but we continued sleeping together for months. It felt passionate and fun and I actually really enjoyed who he was as a person. We talked to each other every day and I looked forward to it. I started being able to see a future with him and fell in love. Eventually, though I was terrified of being vulnerable to hurt again after my past relationships had ended so badly, after 4 and a half months of this, I took the leap and committed to an exclusive relationship with him. We used to have sex all of the time, sometimes multiple times a day. As I committed to him and only him, i thought we would be so happy and everything would magically fall into a place. I guess still had some hope for a happily ever after. When we became exclusive, the sex came to a screeching halt. We talked every day. He cuddled me and spooned me at night and softly kissed me goodnight and goodbye in the mornings, reminding me that he loves me. We spent every night together and carried on with routines, but still no sex. Feeling shy but like I had to do something about our sexual drought, I initiated things when we would be in bed and he would hold my hand and tell me he was tired. Night after night, I shyly pushed myself to touch him and kiss him and hope that things could progress but he always cut me off. Months went by. The happily ever after train I'd accidentally secretly hoped for had been derailed. "Was it me?" I wondered. "Did I need to work out more? Maybe he wasn't physically attracted to me?" I decided to focus on my own confidence and hoped the rest would follow. It didn't. Many awkward conversations about our lack of a physical relationship transpired though. He assured me time and again that it wasn't because of me. He just wasn't in the mood. When he knew more he would let me know. One day, he handed me his phone and I saw porn that was bookmarked on his phone. My heart dropped and in my mind, I immediately sunk to the ground on my knees in defeat. He still had a sexual drive. It had to do with me. I've developed such a resentment for the fact that I've been in two unhealthy relationships with men who constantly used my body and I found someone who i truly love, but he doesn't want to be physically intimate with me. I've had a rough sexual background that took years for me to move past, cope, and see sex as being a beautiful thing again. My boyfriend knows that I've been a little damaged in the past but how could I ever tell him that I had to move past being raped by three different men to the point of being drugged, beaten, threatened, and/or passed around over 100 times? For years I saw sex as a punishment and it feels incredibly unfair that I've worked through it and I want so badly to experience positive intimate sex in a caring loving relationship and I can't. How is it that I could deal with these things, but he didn't want to have sex with me because he just "doesn't feel like it?" If I told him how broken I have been, he would REALLY never want to have sex with me again. When we've had discussions about it, he's implied that I'm superficial for needing that in my life and made me feel shamed for bringing it up at all. I worried that having an open discussion with him about it could make things feel even weirder but at that point, it had been months and months since we'd last had sex so i felt I didn't have tons to lose. He tells me to give it time. I gave it more time but found myself looking to fill my sexual drive in other ways. Before i knew it, I was web-camming with a stranger just so I could feel seen. It only happened one time and didn't feel worth it to me. Just sad that I had gotten to that point. More months went by. I found myself hitting a joint in a car after work with a friend and he kissed me. After months and months of not feeling touched, it felt nice to feel so wanted again. He kissed me and grabbed me and I insisted on keeping clothes on and then as we were kissing, he came. So now I had not had sex with my boyfriend in at least nine months and I cheated on him with someone that came in about five seconds in his pants. I drove away, horrified at my actions, crying. I told him that I had cheated and how far it had gone (minus him going in his jeans) and that our lack of affection was escalating to me looking for other things and that was a problem for me. I told him that if we didn't reconnect sexually, we were doomed. He didn't say much. However, a few days after, he grabbed my hand in bed and put it on his hard-on. I felt optimistic that maybe we could have a sexual relationship again. Then he came in my hand in about five seconds. The same thing happened later. It didn't used to be like that. I know he's capable of having sex. A few months after that, he woke me up with it while we were spooning and then got behind me. I was so happy to be having sex again and it felt so great. Then it happened again the next week in the same positions. Then the next week, woken up and in the same positions. I took initiative and got on top for a while. His alarm went off during, I jumped off to turn it off, and he got soft. He said he'd gotten off already. I'm 90% certain he was lying. So now, he's finally giving me just enough sex to get my by to where i wont break up with him but it feels like he doesn't want to look at me and pretend I'm someone else? The sexual aspect is the primary fault in our relationship and it feels like if I got better, so would we. Any plans I could be building for the future, I'm hesitant with because as our physical intimacy is this rocky, it feels like our relationship is unstable in my mind too. I've thought of many possibilities as to why we are here. Was he gay? I've seen his porn history so no. Was there someone else? I really don't get that feeling either. I wonder if it's hard for him to see someone he loves in a sexual way? Is that common? I've heard of the madonna vs. whore thing. As soon he confessed his love for me and "won me' he stopped seeing me a sexual way. I miss being touched and feeling wanted in every way. I want to be kissed, touched, and feel passion again. All I'm looking for is to feel like i'm enough with someone. I love him and we've somewhat build a life together in the last year and a half. He talks about the future all of the time and how we should buy a house, etc. Should I throw in the towel and give up on our relationship? Am I ready to give up a good relationship because of sex? I have no idea what the reason could be that he doesn't want to have sex with me but it makes me feel incredibly undesirable in every way and as much as I hate to admit it, has really hurt my confidence and made me needy, annoying, and desperate. Am I beating a dead horse? Am I hurting myself more? Should I say or do something or should I run?

I have been married for 12 years. My husband and I are happy. We do not have a perfect marriage but who does? From the start of our marriage we never had much of a sex life, even as newlyweds. We would average maybe four times a month on a good month. He is not very affectionate toward me either. I had never felt attractive in my marriage. I am always the one who initiated sex and most of the time I got turned down. He does not kiss me and never performed oral sex for me at all, but expects it from me every time and sometimes just that for him and nothing at all for me. Later I found out he was watching porn A LOT. This broke my heart, because he never wanted me. About nine years and two sweet daughters later I found out that he was cheating – it was a one night thing. He swore that it meant nothing. For me to stay I demanded he tell me everything. I also found the other woman and talked to her about it. The stories matched up – apparently the plan was to cheat with her but he could not get an erection despite her best efforts. I asked him if he had kissed her (he never kisses me) and he had – not only that but, because he couldn't perform, he gave her oral sex! He never does this for me! I was very upset and left him. He was devastated and apologised and said he would be a better husband and do all those things for me, blah blah blah. So for my children and the fact that I love him we worked it out. He has done much better – he still will not kiss me but he will occasionally do oral. And he is more affectionate and I can honestly see that he is trying more than he ever has. Our sex life was great – five or six times a week and much more passion than ever before. But for the past two weeks he has not touched me, despite my attempts. When I asked him about it he said he was just in a down spiral (I forgot to mention he has cycling bi-polar disorder) and that his sex drive decreases when he has a down phase. I tried to understand and be supportive, but I checked his phone last night and his history was absolutely full of porn! So his sex drive is decreased but he can watch porn and not want to have sex with me? I do not understand this and it makes me feel disgusting! I even offered for us to watch together but he did not want to do that. My body has changed a lot since having our children, and he knows how insecure I am about it. He says my body has nothing to do with it it's just his bi-polor decreasing his libido. But i don't know about that seems like if libido was decreased it would be decreased for everything not just your wife, and be perfectly fine for porn. Can anyone help me understand this?

My girlfriend doesn't want sex. In the 4 years we have been together we have made love about 9 times. She has two boys aged 10 & 12 and she works part time and we don't live together. I help her out with stuff like buying her a bike so that she can join her boys, a new TV, a new cooker, plus I took a loan out to buy her a car. She says that she only has sex with me like it's payback for what I do for her. Am I being used?

I am so glad I found this thread but I’m horrified the amount of other men out there feeling the way I do. I thought I was alone. So sad to read these comments I feel for everyone of you! I’ve been married to my wife 10 years together 11. Same thing here just dead marriage zero sex. I can’t sleep at night I lay awake till 3am some nights wondering why I can’t even put my arm round her without her shoving me away, we have three young kids together and she already had 3 when I got with her that I went to hell and back raising as my own while she sat on iPads or her phone over the years. I’m literally physically and emotionally EXHAUSTED from lack of sleep dealing with the kids & dogs too as we have quite a few. She has a major issue with her phones even her own older kids have said it on many occasions she ignores me you have to say the same thing 4/5 times to even get her to look up even then she just says WHAT” like I’m annoying her by requiring conversation! Our sex has always been okay, when we actually do it, but sine it’s been dead I’ve asked her if there’s any issues she never admits there is. She has mega foreplay from me and loves it but gives none. Not that it matters. Of course just like many of you there’s now also zero affection in the daytime, if I try cuddle her she keeps her in front of her so I’m basically cuddling around her phone like some kind of pest it hurts so badly and if I make a fuss about it all I get is “your just wanting to get your end away” “just back off I’m trying t chill” or she refers to sex as a “chore” Any issues in our marriage any arguments it’s always my fault.not once in 11 years has she ever took the blame or changed a single thing. When i got with her she made me cut off from all my friends (I had a lot of friends) and I cannot eve have them on Facebook on the basis “they could be friends with someone I’ve slept with” because before I got with her i was on my own for 4 years and I slept with a lot of ladies, I stayed on my own on purpose after a head messing relationship before that, so I figured if I stayed on my own and learned to need NO ONE, then when I am ready to try a relationship I will not need them just want them. I grew cold on my own, I hated affection from these one night stands I blew any of them out from wanting anything more and I stayed cold and lonely in my house, just clubbing 3 nights a week and putting it about. I admit that. It doesn’t make me untrustworthy I’ve never cheated on ANYONE and never even looked in a bad away at another woman while I’ve been with my wife! But that’s her reason t cut me off from my friends. At the beginning of the relationship she said I was not affectionate and “trained me” to be cuddly, then when she see how I was Falling head over heals for her and dropped my guard, she then started to remove any threats so I was not allowed a phone for a couple of years, I was not allowed on my laptop until she was up so she could monitor what I was doing, I never had money, but slowly she started to allow these things i then started a successful online business and was making a lot of money working from home. She then moaned everyday that I was working to hard! So I packed that in!!!!! Things started to go down hill the more I gave in the worse she got, she would accuse me all the time even from going to the shop up the road, if we had days out with the kids I’d have to look at the floor Becase if a good looking woman was in sight she would accuse me of looking at her and spend the whole day angry or she would smile at loads of good looking men strisght infront of me and the kids to hurt me. So I never went anywhere I had no friends no nothing. Yet she was allowed out, she had friends she had weekends at concerts. While I baby sitted. I started to get resentful I was hurting so bad, she came home one night after drinking and we had sex… While she was on top of me she leaned down to my ear and whispered” guess what” “ I fucked someone else earlier” that was the breaker my heart felt like it had actually cracked.

Hi there. Apologies for the length of this post. My boyfriend and I (early 30s) have been together 2 years and live together. We have discussed a serious future together including marriage and kids. Initially we had a very good sex life (at least twice a week) but I’d say over the past year or so, things have been dwindling. I think I have a higher sex drive than him, and often if I try to initiate sex - I often get turned down and he will say he is too tired. He often has long shifts and early starts but sometimes this is even the case on his days off. I’d say sometimes we have sex once every 2-weeks. I’m finding this difficult as I would like to have more sexual intimacy. I’ve tried talking about this with him many times but he often gets very defensive and doesn’t want to talk about it. I feel he is embarrassed by it almost that I seem to want sex more than him. The relationship is otherwise great, he is affectionate and intimate in other ways but I feel when it comes to sex - he just doesn’t seem interested in me sexually. I don’t know what to do. It makes me feel really insecure and anxious when we go so long without having sex as it is important for me. And sometimes I feel depressed when he isn’t interested and I don’t feel desired. So I realise this is a pretty bad thing to do..but I did it out of desperation more than anything else. I realise this is an invasion of his privacy and I feel terrible but I checked his phone history and found he has been using porn very regularly - and unexpected categories like GILFS/ grannies/ MILF/ older women/ really large women. He is 30. Im the same age and large breasted but not fat. He has also watched gay porn including searches for things like “twinks” (had to look up what this meant) and also males orgasming. It makes me so distressed knowing he watches this yet is not sexual with me. I realise straight men sometimes watch gay porn but I was besides myself. I think he obviously watches this when I am out but it hurts me that he seems to be able to browse lots of porn but not be sexual with me. I understand that most men watch porn even in relationships, but surely if we are having less sex than I would like this is a problem? He clearly seems happy with sex with me once every couple of weeks because he is satisfying himself several times in between. I feel very hurt. I can’t bring this up as I obviously invaded his privacy and have probably made things worse! I thought about casually asking him directly if he watches porn but think he will likely hide it. Would be grateful for any advice. Thank you!

My husband stares at other women no matter where we are. We have a terrible sex life. We have gone as long as six years without sex. We have been married for 17 years. I feel like I have to get to the root of our problem. It is driving me crazy.

I have been with my husband for 18 years. Our sex life wasn't great but it was enough at the time. After being rejected by him when I tried to initiate sex I stopped trying. When we decided to have our daughter we had sex only a handful of times. After she was born it stopped, that was 10 years ago. Last year I met a guy at work, I felt great and it boosted my confidence as my marriage was a sham. I did have sex with the guy as I wanted to know if I still had a desire for sex, which I did. After this happened I went to councilling as I was so confused, she gave me the strength to confront my husband and ask him why he didn't want to have sex with me. When I talked to my husband about it he said it was my moods that turned him off wanting to have sex with me. I explained my moods were the result of him not showing me any affection which has led to a vicious circle. We both agreed to try which we did for a few months. We did have sex however he struggled to maintain an erection and could not ejaculate. This upset me as I felt I wasn't enough for him I told him this and he said I was. After this I stopped initiating sex as I wanted to see if my husband would try, that was 6 months ago and he hasn't tried. I am now at the stage I don't know what to do as if I talk to him again he will agree to try but will then do nothing. Having sex with the guy at work made me realise that I need to have a sex life but I'm not sure my husband does!

My boyfriend and I have only been together for about 6 months. Things are moving fast. We live together & are talking about marriage. I am 23 and he is 37. He doesn’t want to have sex as much as he used to and every time I try to talk about it he says he’s not a machine and the mood has to be right. I understand this because I will be in a bad mood and want to have sex and that doesn’t work for him. I am a sex addict and want it at least 3 times a day. But I have settled for once a day. Now that is not working. He also says he’s not into anything sexually which I think is a lie. I am into BDSM and am a very open person. I feel like he’s into something but won’t tell me about it which is causing him to be less interested in sex. I truly feel this is what happens in relationships and why people cheat. But I want it to work between us I just don’t know how. He doesn’t want to talk about it & gets defensive. He has also told me that sometimes he feels like it’s pressure on him as if it was the first time we ever had sex. What can I do to make this Rey work while getting what I need but also supporting my man?