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My partner and I have been together for seven years on and off as he has a drinking problem and bad group of friends and kept breaking up because of that. He was illegal at the time we met and I supported him all the years till last year he got his rights to stay in the country on the basis of his two kids. He got his rights but still didn't want to work and was depending on me. I was paying all the bills etc. We kept arguing for a few months because of that and then all of a sudden I had to go abroad for a family emergency with my kids and he was at the time staying in my home and he did not go tact us whilst we were away, I tried so many time to get hold of him and only sometimes did so we got into an argument and I told him to leave as I was tired of taking all the responsibilities as I only worked part time and we have kids to support too.

When I got back from abroad he had disappeared from the home. he had taken all his belongings with him. I tried to contact him but phone went to voicemail. I asked his friends and all said they didn't know where he was so I contacted the police after 48 hours and reported him missing and a week later I heard he went abroad to visit family. He contacted me a few times after that from there and then all of a sudden he stopped. He came back to the UK without informing me and I heard from.a friend of mine that he is back and wen I bumped into him he made like he did not know me so I left it as that as I didn't know eat to say or do.

I later tried to call him, I sent him text messages but till today it's been four months now he not responded. my kids miss him so much. I am going through depression at the moment I cannot even go to work due to stress. As a single parent it is very difficult for me. I have two kids with him and a son from my previous husband. I don't know what to do as he does not provide anything not does he contact the kids. I am finding it so difficult to cope on my own as my youngest is not even two years old.

I cannot afford mediation or court fees. I really need him to help with the kids. I would like him to take or see the kids as it's affecting them. I have noticed a change in them since they got back and the dad was gone. I have spoken to child maintenance service and they will try help but I need help into child arrangements. I have tried to text him but has not got back to me regarding this. Could someone help me in this situation?

Issues

Parenting apart

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Children and non-resident parents

Children benefit from being in regular contact with their non-resident parents but the frequency and quality of this contact can decline over time. A research paper published by The Ministry of Justice looked into the how a child's wellbeing is affected by the relationship they have with the parent they don’t live with. The report (pdf) also looked at the courts’ involvement in settling contact and financial arrangements and the impact these can have on a child’s outcomes as they grow up. The study followed a group of children whose parents had separated by the time they were seven years old. It looked at levels of court involvement in parental separation, and the frequency and quality of the contact between the children and the non-resident parents. Researchers then looked at outcomes for children when they were aged eleven, paying particular attention to: Subjective wellbeing (children’s moods and emotions). Antisocial behaviours, like drinking, smoking, or breaking the law. Social and behavioural problems. How good they were at making decisions around risky behaviour. Contact declines over time According to the report, the level of contact between children and their non-resident parents tends to decline over time, in terms of both frequency and quality. Among children of separated parents, the ones that had the best outcomes at age eleven were those who had had the most contact with their non-resident parents. This can be harder to manage if you’re struggling financially, but it’s important to try and maintain regular quality time together. Even after a separation, you and your ex-partner continue to have a relationship as co-parents, so it’s really important to look after this relationship in as supportive a way as possible. Put your children first and, wherever safe, try to ensure they spend time with both parents. If you’re a non-resident parent and you feel like you don’t get enough time with your children, there are a few helpful things you can work on: Try to resolve your differences with your ex-partner, using external support like mediation where necessary. If you can’t resolve your differences, try to keep your disputes and conflict away from the children. Draw up a parenting plan. Stick to the agreed arrangements, particularly if these have been agreed by the courts. Use the time you do have together to work on developing a bond with your child. You may not love your child’s other parent anymore – you may even resent them or be angry with them – but maintaining contact can protect your child against the negative effects of separation. It might be necessary to set your own feelings aside, at least in the beginning.

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“Non-compliant ex-partner”

My ex partner of 13 years is refusing to do any type of parenting with me. He won't communicate with me, blocked me on social media email and phone! He has my two boys who are 11 and 5 and I was happy to let them go live with him as that is what they wanted to do. I just wanted them to be happy. We were going to co-parent but he stops me seeing them, always changes arrangements, changes arrangements if anything planned, all because he does not like my friend. He doesn't like my friend as she can see he's controlling towards me and she does not back down to him, she stands her ground !! He does not like a woman to have an opinion. I have just started court process well went to miams meeting to try sort it out. I will co-parent and split weeks with him so both get equal time with the kids but somehow I do not think he's going to comply with anything. He tells the kids I don't bother to see them, contact them or anything when that is far from the truth. I have given my boy my old phone topped up so we have contact that way * he accuses me of all kinds of spiteful stuff saying I'm mental, I'm a druggy, and I live in a dump which all are lies. None of the things he says applies to me at all.

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School holidays for separated parents

However well you are managing the week-to-week parenting arrangements with your ex-partner, the school holidays may present new challenges. If you have the children most of the time, you might be looking forward to having a break from the routine, and getting some fun time together with the children (and possibly some ‘me time’ without them!). If you are the non-resident parent, you may have mixed feelings. You may be excited about treating your children, and spending a bit longer together, but also anxious about potential conflict with your ex-partner. If you can work out the arrangements well in advance, you should have an easier time of it. As parents, you can both make plans, and the children will know what to expect and look forward to. However, it isn’t always easy. Planning the holidays can often lead to arguments about time, costs, and who needs a holiday most. It can also bring out the competitive nature of ex-partners. While you might feel that you have good reason to fight for your case, conflict can often leave children trapped in the middle. So, how do you keep things respectful and ensure that your children get to spend quality time with both of you? Here are a few suggestions for happier holidays Talk with your children before making any firm plans. Don’t use your children as messengers between you and your ex. Try to see things from your ex-partner’s point of view – you will both have different feelings about how best to manage holidays. Tell the children about changes to activities, but do not overwhelm them with details. Be respectful of your ex-partner when discussing plans with your children. Disagreements are bound to arise when dealing with your ex-partner. If you find yourself locked in battle, try to step back and remember the big picture. Try and manage everyone’s expectations as best you can, be prepared to compromise, and remember… there will be other holidays. Your children will benefit from being able to have a good time with both of you. If you can keep that goal in mind, you may be able to avoid a lot of potential disagreements. These tips can help you keep it civil Make it a priority to develop a workable plan with your ex-partner. Don’t argue with your ex-partner in front of your children – even on the phone. Avoid talking to your children about your ex-partner’s behaviour. Be polite and efficient when you’re sorting out the details. Focus on the strengths and interests of all family members, including your ex-partner. Remember that holidays can form a significant part of childhood memories. Finding ways for your children to cope better, and trying to be mindful of your ex-partner, can go a long way to smoothing the path and giving your family happy memories to cherish forever.

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“Contact centres”

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“Post-16 court contact”

We have had a court order in place for a number of years. The children have never missed a contact; however they are now 16 and 15 and have made it clear to me that they are "fed up" with spending their time with someone who – apparently – has little to say to them, and makes nasty comments to the kids all the time when he does open his mouth. It is almost as if the contact order is just being observed to serve his need to control them – it doesn't seem to be about spending quality time with two kids who are brilliant company. The kids have said that once the younger son gets to 16, they "are done" – I have told them things will get better, but after six years of this contact and support from me, encouragement and assurances it will get better, it just hasn't. It breaks my heart to see how angry they get when they come back and have had an unsuccessful contact. I am at a loss, and my ex will not speak to me (only via solicitors and hasn't spoken to me for over eight years). If they tell him they no longer wish to go, can I be dragged back to court? Should this come from them to him? I doubt he will listen as they have asked before for things to improve with him and he just laughs at them and says they are idiots. One time my elder son was poorly during contact and had asked to go home earlier; he refused and made them stay until the appointed time. My eldest is about to turn 17 and will be driving soon. He wishes to get a Saturday job, and this will prove impossible – the Court Order clearly states a Saturday, and we have persistently re-jigged our lives to make sure they attend (which we do because I want them to have a positive male role model). I am also bitterly disappointed that this could have been seen as a chance for my ex to build a lovely relationship with his kids, but seems to have used it as a controlling mechanism instead. I would have expected them to say they were having a great time and ask that they have extra time - which would have been great, but it just hasn't happened. I see other kids who have a great time with their dads and my heart bleeds for them. I never badmouth or speak ill of my ex – it was a shame it didn't work out, but the kids did not need to suffer the way that they have been subjected to such nastiness from someone who is supposed to love them unconditionally (regardless of the fact he hates my guts – I appreciate I am 50% DNA of the kids and I think that may be the issue). If they turn round and refuse to go once the youngest is 16, can I force them? Can I physically drag them to contact? My eldest son is a strapping lad now and this may prove difficult. If I get taken back to court if they refuse, will the court listen to the kids as they will be 16 and 17? I am worrying now that after all these years of being compliant and supportive, I may get jailed.

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Two parents, two homes

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“She won't spend time with her dad”

My ex and I split up in October 2016 so have been apart for nearly three years. We went through a court "battle" earlier this year as we couldn't agree visitation. We both "won" and "lost" some points and currently, our daughter is with me for 10 nights out of 14 and the visitation was set via the court order. Our daughter was deemed to be too young at the time to be able to give an opinion on matters (she was seven in June) and so it was all decided for her. I'm not biased in anyway as throughout the separation and everything, I know I've done what is right for her. The way things work now work really well. However, in recent months she has advised me, and others that she no longer wants to see her dad or spend time with him or his new family. It's horrid to hear as I don't feel like I can do anything about it. I encourage her to speak openly to her dad and hope that she will as I know if I do, he'll see me as being bitter when all I want is for her to be happy. Today at school drop off she clung to me like she never has before and it's his weekend to have her. I was encouraging and smiley when deep down my heart was breaking. What do I do? Our communication isn't great as there are other issues as well. I wonder if I should speak to my solicitor again and go down that route if she doesn't speak to him. I can't sit back and watch her be upset over something that I deem is fixable if he can accept she's growing up and her feelings are changing.

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“My son staying with my ex”

My son's father and I are separated. His girlfriend has a nephew who was involved in being sexually molested. I don’t have all the details but I am worried about my son spending nights or time there. The nephew obviously visits the house. My ex has various women’s houses. He visits them at different houses. I want to avoid my son seeing such a lifestyle as normal. What can I do about it?

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“My ex won’t do the SPIP”

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“Upset about special guardianship order”

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“Prevented from seeing my son”

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Need the right move for my son

need help am a man in his 30 in a very difficult situation . I don't know where to begin. We'll anyways b4 my current relation I was engaged with someone else who unfortunately didn't work out even tho we loved each other very much and understood each other certain things were not met. We had a beautiful daughter I was with her since birth until 8 years later I left her mom because she was always acting as if the child wasn't really mine until just a couple of month ago I found out my girl wasn't my little girl which broke my heart. Now just know I left her mom to be with someone else who I had known in high school and had a crush since high school . We got together but b4 that I spoke to the mother of my daughter and told her to change her ways b4 new years that didn't happen so I left her . I mean come on almost 10 years of bs my whole 20s went out the window like nothing . Of course other events happened and what not . Fast forward I left her still with love and attachment in my heart while I got with my current partner or w.e we are . We got with each other and this year will be 4 years . Now this is where the issue falls and let me tell you it's huge so huge that I can't seem to get out of it. B4 I got with my current partner who just gave birth to our wonderful son just 3 weeks ago . We were happy at first it was nice and rosy she gave me all I always asked and the same went to her until I saw her true nature and let me tell you there was more red flag than what China has. Now this is coming from someone who doesn't drink I do smoke weed but not anymore because of who am with and because I didn't want this to affect my son and I wanted to make some sort of sacrifice for God and myself . Anyways so with who am with little by little I found her she was a drunk, a coke user, meth user , a disrespectful woman everything a man wouldn't want in a woman she was that woman . Now she never cheated on me but did make many many actions that lead anything Similar to cheating as letting strange men in our house while I would be working disrespect me in restaurant, attack me leave me marks now listen I've fought all my life in the street and this girl left me more marks than the next Gangster on the block. Of course little by little she would cry and beg and plead for forgiveness and I as a Christian man forgave her more time than I can count but little by little I was losing love and attraction towards her and my single man style was coming out little by little to escape the pain that I was living tru . Now I made my mistakes as she has as well. Most of our issue and fights begin and always began when she drank . Which led me to change who I was . I was this really laid back fun and happy all about love and peace type of guy and a huge chunk of that died throughout the years with the mother of my son . But I never gave up on her and I would tell her change change stop with bad influence your better than this blah blah blah good things . One day I warned her that one day will come where I will lose my love for her and she will change and it happened she changed too late and I was left with misery and resentment and pain . Am not a emotional man am very logical while she is very emotional and does everything backwards. Now we have gone up and down Lived in friends houses I have lived in the streets due to her drinking and us losing our house for the second time . And she always went to casino and leave the house and.come home when she wanted after she escaped and stayed drinking for days . Of course I would just stop loving her but she had no one and.i have known her for so many years . Fast forward when we lost our second house I was trying to record music at my friend's house and I get a call from my friend telling me baby mama called her drunk with rape nonsense, not true BTW she was just drunk from drinking half a bottle of gin . I told my friend to go with me ad witness b4 we know it baby mama went crazy to where we needed to call the police they took her to a rehab center that same day the owner of the house who was also a alcoholic told me hey you need to leave today we saw what your girl did tru camera....I couldn't belive it 2nd house lost because of her . So what I do to escape from the pain I hit up a old lover who.i used to make love with when I was single , she was going tru the same with her baby daddy , we connected and made love pretty much nothing more nothing less , fast forward I Confront her about it and tell her what lead me to do what I did it was simplr I felt my sacrifice and effort and my compassion n love was not valued even when my family and friends and my father told me to save myself and leave her instill had faith . Fast forward we still stayed together infound a house of course after living at my home boy house for a few month... note this has happened 3 times. Now with this fast forward I found a house for us our first actual house not a studio or apartment. I ended up getting a amazing job and she lost her job which led me.to.work.alone for a year. We would still argue and.fight and it was usually her throwing the past and I do my best not reminding her everything she has done that led me to cheat on her . BTW just note what am writing here is still not even.half. it's way to much to write. She would still drink and what not and be so slick my God if only ppl knew... anyways am a person who can accept the wrongs I do and am not one to usually fight and argue that shit is beneath me but with her it's like she knows how to press my button. Now fast forward I got fed up and was going to leave her finally until she got pregnant

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“My ex and contact with our daughter”

A bit of the back story... My ex and I had been together for three years when I got pregnant with our daughter. She was planned. I was 36 and she is my first child. My ex has 10-year-old twins from a previous relationship who he sees every weekend. Admittedly it was me that wanted our daughter when my ex and I discussed trying for a baby. He admitted he wasn;t as excited as me about the idea but said he would have one more child with me. Once I had my daughter I was shocked at how little he helped me with her. She was quite a difficult baby she had colic reflux and milk allergy so didn't sleep a lot at first. My ex had a two-week paternity leave then had to go back to work so I didn't expect him to do a lot as he was working and I was on maternity leave. However, when he did have our daughter on a night for an hour or so it was as though he was doing me a favour. Even saying to me, if I asked for a little more help, 'But i work!' Things got progressively worse after that. I did every single night feed myself, even at weekends when he was off not once did he offer to do it. I admit I became resentful especially when I got no help with housework and when the twins came on a weekend I also had them to look after them too with no help from him. Things came to a head resulting in him telling me he didn't feel the same about me anymore and we split. I moved back to my parents' with my 10-month-old daughter. Since the split my ex has stayed in contact and picks up my daughter mainly when I have to work. However, I went back to work part time so this in effect only adds up to approx 11 hours per week that he has her. Several times he's let me down and hasn't picked her up only letting me know last minute. He refuses to have her over night too. I've bitten my tongue for a long time because I don't want anything to impact on my daughter who does love her dad and he is good with her when he has her but his lack of interest and letting her down has brought things to a head. Last night we had a huge argument (not in front of my daughter). I told him how I felt and gave him a few home truths which did not go down well so he brought our daughter home early and is now refusing to have her until I 'stop hassling him'. I'm at a loss what to do next. All I want is for him to take more of an interest in our daughter.

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“Divorced parents hanging together”

Me and my ex-wife have divorced 3 years ago, when our kid was 3 yo. We still live in the same city, in separated homes, not far away from each other. We split our duties and time with our kid 50/50. Everything smooth and better then before, no fighting, no friction. We did not get in other relationships, and, as a matter of fact, none of us has been even dating since we separated. We are cool with each other, we spend some lunches/dinners or birthday parties together. Occasionally we spend entire afternoons or even days together with our kid. Recently, when I had to leave the old house and move into a smaller one, we even lived together for three months (we did not sleep in the same room though). Our kid seems to be fine with this life style, even if sometimes he doesn't want to take in consideration the fact that me or mom could find another man/woman to love and to live with. He wants us to get back and to live in our old house. How much getting along, hanging together, is wrong? Will it hurt our kid? Thank you, Mikael.

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