I need advice, I need help, please, I can't find any information on this situation I'm in right now. (My s.o. uses they/them pronouns, just to clarify).
My s.o. and I were friends for 3 years before dating, we liked each other for a long time. When we met they were in a five year rebound, from their unplanned child's father. They got pregnant on accident, decided to keep the baby. Were made to get married by his family or get kicked out, six months after baby came their husband (who they were in love with) cheated with the nanny and left them.
Five years later still having feelings they hooked up again after the rebound came to an end. I was their roomate during that part, they had a mental breakdown when he left again. A couple years later they hooked up again, but stopped since there was nothing there anymore for either of them. About five months later we started dating. (They did say when I asked, that if there had been any possibility of us being together the second time they wouldn't have done it, they were lonely and sad both times and he was the one that asked to hook up)
Here's where the issue comes in, I had really bad RJ about those times when they hooked up. We've mostly resolved that after I told them about my RJ. I trust them, and believe them when they say there is nothing left for their ex. It's been eight years since their marriage happened, their son is 8 years old. The issue: they are still legally married to him. That's another long story. They want to marry me though, they know it's what I've always wanted.
My stipulation to them before proposing to me was to be legally divorced. They said as soon as they have money they will make it happen. They were working a job for about two months, and even asked me to send them photos of their marriage license to them. Which of course was very hard for me to see, but I did it. Since then though, they've said nothing about it. My fear is that they will use the divorce in the proposal, or that they haven't done it yet. Now they have no money again as they are a full time student. No way will I pay for their divorce.
Also the ex comes up constantly. They mention him all the time, even knowing it bugs me. He's a good dad, but I don't like him as a person. They want to be friends again and keep inviting him to come and do family things. I can tolerate that for their sons sake, but it won't be easy. I'm tired of hearing about him and their life together, tired of my s.o. using "we" and "us" statements when talking about their past together.
A couple days ago they were talking to him on the phone (about plans for drop off and pick up), and they were joking about going to divorce court, which must mean it hasn't been done yet. But also, it's not a joke, it almost sounded like they didn't want to do it. It upset me so much