Everyone argues, but not everyone argues well. Constructive arguing is something of an art form, and sometimes a good argument that’s handled well can actually help to improve a couple relationship. Whereas if you argue badly, you’re likely to go around in circles and frustrate yourselves into a frenzy until conflict becomes the norm. Bad arguing isn’t healthy for a couple, and too many badly handled arguments can really shake the core of any good relationship, however solid and mature it is. Whatever you’re up against as a couple, getting good at arguing together will help you solve your problems quicker and boost the quality of the relationship. The aim here is to help you do that. After many years of conducting research and looking at relationships under the microscope, here’s the best tips we know of to help you argue well. These tips are not to help you win the argument, but rather, they’re to help you and your partner win each other. 1. Always be cool (ABC)If you only stick to one rule, let it be this one. If you’re not calm, it’s because your emotions have gotten the better of you (in other words, you’re emotionally compromised), which means you’re in no real position to conduct a good argument. Fire fuels fire, so it’s really important to keep each other cool. Poor arguing: “I don’t know who you think you are speaking to me like that... where do you get off…” A better way: “Maybe we should both come back to this when we’re a little calmer. Let’s take ten.” Pro tip: Count to 10 before you react. If you get to 10 and you’re still not calm, remove yourself from the situation and come back when you’ve calmed down. Remember, when things get heated, aggressive or hurtful, you cannot make progress – the whole thing needs a reboot. 2. Don’t retaliate and throw stuff The worst kind of argument is one where both parties are just pelting each other with criticisms and blame. Instead try telling your partner how you feel. Here's what that might look like. Poor arguing: “Why do you make fun of me in public?” “Well you insist on telling that naff joke, it makes everyone feel awkward”. “You always find a way to make me feel like bad about myself.” A better way: “I feel really embarrassed when you make fun of me in public” “I didn’t even realise I was doing that, that wasn’t my intention.” Pro tip: Be conscious that your words can cause irrevocable damage, so choose them carefully. You might be able to apologise later, but you can’t take back what you said. Practice having a retort ready in the chamber and apply the discipline of NOT firing it. As you practice this, you may experience a sense of calm control. 3. Listen – until the penny drops Failing to listen is one of the largest causes of poor arguing. It often happens because when one person is talking, the other person is cocking and loading their next argument. Listening is really about taking the time to understand where they’re coming from. If you don’t take the time to listen, your partner won’t feel heard and will very quickly become annoyed. They probably won’t listen to you in return either.  Poor arguing: “I feel like you just don’t really want to be with me anymo–“ “Do we honestly have to go through this again?” A better way: “I feel like you just don’t really want to be with me anymore. I know you say that you do, but you just don’t seem that interested in me”. “Just to help me understand here; what signals am I giving you to make you feel that I’m not interested in you anymore?” Pro tip: A huge and often underrated part of listening is body language. Even just sitting opposite your partner on the couch and facing them, you’re already communicating that they matter and that you’re ready to listen. Look them in the eye, and acknowledge when they’re making sense. You don’t have to agree, and if you don’t, try to resist the temptation of mentally preparing a comeback. Pro tip: Try to focus more on understanding rather than just hearing them out. That sometimes means asking them more questions about it. 4. Speak for yourself One of the reasons that arguments go sour is because the whole thing becomes a battle of accusations and criticisms. By telling someone how they’ve failed, what they’re doing wrong, or how they’ve messed up – you’re going to make them flare up, even if you’re speaking truth. It’s helpful to take the accusations out of the equation and instead talk about yourself and how their behaviour has affected you. That way, you’re not attacking them or making a judgement on their character. Poor arguing: “You want to be with someone else, just say it”. “So what you’re saying is, you don’t trust me”. “Well you’re such a flirt, and you flirt with other people, so what else do I have to go on?” A better way: “I’m feeling quite insecure at the moment, and I’m afraid that you want to be with someone else“. “Is it something I’m doing to make you feel that way?” “There are a couple of things. I might be just being sensitive, but it looks like you’re behaving in a flirty way with other people.” Pro tip: When you talk, start with “I” rather than “You”.  So instead of “You never help out with chores”, say “I’d really like some more help around the house, I feel like I’m on my own with it”. It’s the same point, but one feels like an attack, and the other feels like a request and the expression of feelings. Pro tip: Try not to assume what your partner is thinking (or worse, TELL them what they’re thinking). By starting everything with “I”, you’re less likely to do that. Speaking for yourself is a habit that is worth developing for any argument with any person. 5. Apologise for your side of things If your partner has attacked you in some way and, say, you snap back at them, it’s still helpful if you apologise for the snap. Even if they don’t apologise for the attack in the first place. This can be tough, but it sets in place an attitude of respect and the taking of one’s own responsibility. By giving some ground, you might be able to change the tone and direction of the entire argument. Poor arguing: “You’re so selfish. You didn’t even let me know where you were.” “Are you my keeper? You don’t need to know where I am 24/7.” A better way: “You’re so selfish. You didn’t even let me know where you were.” “Okay, I’m sorry that I worried you. Maybe we should agree on how often I should check in with you in future. I might not be able to text you as often as you’d like though – I’d like to talk about that.” Pro tip: The earlier you can land your apology, the better. So even if you’ve said something mean a few seconds ago, nip it in the bud and hold your hand up. Hold strong if the apology doesn’t get returned for their side of things. It might not happen, but by humbling yourself, you’ll create an environment where they can. 6. View it through their eyes We’ve all heard the expression “putting yourself in their shoes”. But doing this during an argument is really hard because it requires you to step outside of yourself and all your own feelings for a moment. If you manage to pull it off, you can often see why their behaviour makes sense to them, even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Mastering this can make for some really effective and constructive arguing. Pro tip: In order to really flip your viewpoint, you need to get good at really listening. Listening can help you see what it looks like through their eyes. Use your imagination and think how it would FEEL for your partner. It’s something that needs to be practiced. What we’re talking about here is basically empathy, and empathy is really really helpful in an argument. 7. Show love – even if it’s a minuscule gesture If you’re angry, hurt, or feeling defensive, you might not feel like being kind, affectionate or loving. Naturally you’re on the back foot, and you’ve got fire in your belly. But a simple loving gesture like making a cup of tea can help, because it reminds you both of your shared bond. That can be enough to pour calm on a heated row and help you both want to comfort each other and find resolution. The act of showing love often slips because, in the scheme of things, work obligations, social dynamics and keeping up with life take precedent. But such gestures are actually imperative to relationships, as the following page will demonstrate. Pro tip: The trick here is timing. If you go in for a hug as your partner is mid-tantrum or trying to explain their feelings, your hug might not be well received. But if your love based action is, say, fetching some tissues, putting your phone down, or stopping a game in order to talk properly, it shows that you care and that you want to listen. That can take the edge off a bad argument.

One in five people will experience a form of depression at some point in their lives [1]. If your partner is depressed, you can play an important role in helping them get better. Depression is more than just a low mood. It’s a prolonged illness, whose symptoms include a lack of energy, a loss of interest in things you might normally enjoy, feelings of low self-worth, and changes in sleep and appetite [2]. A sudden onset of depression in your partner can have an impact on your relationship. You may have to take on a temporary caring role, which can put unexpected strain on you [3]. Some of your partner’s symptoms can affect you too: Low mood. When your partner is feeling down most of the time, it can feel like you don’t have access to the person who is most important to you. Loss of interest and energy. Your partner may lose interest in the things you like doing together, like going out, cooking, and even sex. Concentration. Depression can affect concentration, even to the extent that your partner struggles to stay involved in a conversation. Sleep and appetite. You may notice changes in your partner’s eating and sleeping patterns, which can affect their mood even further. It can also disrupt your own eating and sleeping as established routines get lost. Low self-worth. You may notice your partner being more critical of themselves and possibly lashing out at you too [2]. You may also wonder if you are responsible for your partner’s mental health problems. While there are sometimes external causes, including relationship problems, depression can often come along out of nowhere [4]. You can play a positive role in your partner’s recovery [3]. One of the first things you can do is notice the signs of depression and encourage your partner to seek help. Often, the quickest route to support is through your GP, who can make a diagnosis and refer your partner to appropriate support. There are many forms of mental health support, but it’s likely that your partner will undertake some form of talking therapy. They may be given exercises to take home. You can offer support by encouraging your partner to complete the exercises or, if appropriate, by getting involved directly. Your partner’s doctor may recommend couples therapy, which has been shown to be effective for people with depression [5]. If this is recommended to your partner, it doesn’t mean that your relationship is in trouble; it just means that you are being asked to get involved in your partner’s recovery. Attending sessions together means you can be better informed and more involved. Whether you are directly involved in your partner’s treatment or not, there are many ways you can be supportive: Encourage them to seek support. Getting your partner into professional support is one of the best ways you can help. Learn about depression. Read up on depression and its symptoms. A good place to start is the OnePlusOne and NHS guide, ‘Depression and low mood: A guide for the partner’. Set aside blame. Accept that the illness is happening, and don’t blame your partner or yourself. It’s here, and it’s treatable, so just focus on recovery. Notice the signs. Be aware of your partner’s symptoms and the things that can set off an episode of depression. Get support if things seem to be getting worse. Solve practical problems. When someone is depressed, problems can be magnified and may seem insurmountable. You can help your partner by solving practical problems, which could be as simple as doing more than your share of housework for a little while. Listen more. Clear communication and active listening can help your partner to feel better supported and more in control. Do some exercise. Help your partner to get some gentle exercise, even if it’s just a walk around the block. This can have the added benefit of helping with sleep problems. Get your partner out of the house. While it might seem easier to avoid social situations, it’s often best to try and turn up to things that they would usually enjoy. Even if you plan just to go out for half an hour, you can help your partner break out of the loop of depression and inactivity. Notice what helps. What usually makes your partner feel better – a morning walk? Cooking a healthy meal? Make a note of what works, and encourage your partner to do more of it. Keeping a mood journal can also help you to show your partner that they have been making improvements, as they may find it hard to focus on the positives [6]. Seeing a partner go through depression can be upsetting but, with the right support, even the most severe cases can be treated. As with any illness, you should seek professional help if you are worried. Recovery is likely to be gradual, but it is possible, and you can play an important part. This article gives just a quick overview of how you can support a partner with depression. For a more in-depth look, we recommend reading, ‘Depression and low mood: A guide for the partner’, co-produced by OnePlusOne and Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust. References [1] Bolton, J., Bisson, J., Guthrie, E., Wood., S. (2011) Depression: key facts. Retrieved from http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsdisorders/depressionkeyfacts.aspx [2] NHS (2015). Low mood and depression - NHS Choices. Available at http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/low-mood-and-depression.aspx  [3] Crowe, M. (2004). Couples and mental illness. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 19:3, 309-318. [4] Hickey, D., Carr, A., Dooley, B., Guerin, S., Butler, E., & Fitzpatrick, L. (2005). Family and marital profiles of couples in which one partner has depression or anxiety. Journal of marital and family therapy, 31(2), 171-182. [5] Bodenmann, G., Plancherel, B., Beach, S. R., Widmer, K., Gabriel, B., Meuwly, N., ... & Schramm, E. (2008). Effects of coping-oriented couples therapy on depression: A randomized clinical trial. Journal of consulting and clinical psychology, 76(6), 944. [6] NICE (2009) Depression: The Treatment and Management of Depression in Adults (Update). NICE clinical guideline 90. Available at www.nice.org.uk/CG90.

Conflict is unavoidable. In every relationship, there are always going to be things to sort out that you can’t agree on straightaway. How you choose to deal with that conflict can make all the difference to your relationship [1]. This may be particularly important if you have children. Children who are exposed to negative conflict can sometimes act out or become anxious and withdrawn [2]. But, whether you have children or not, it’s always useful to improve your communication skills, and learning how to argue better is one of the best things you can do for your relationship. Some arguments are over quickly and soon forgotten. Other arguments may come up more often, and could be indicative of a more serious personal or relationship issue. By using positive and constructive strategies [3], you can help ease the damage that destructive conflict can sometimes cause [4]. Constructive or destructive conflict Destructive conflict is characterised by negative behaviour like criticism and rejection. You may be able to think of times where you and your partner have become heated and angry, and unable to resolve your differences [5]. Constructive conflict means staying calm and trying to work towards a solution together [2] [6]. If you have children, constructive conflict can help them to feel more secure. Children are less likely to get drawn into this type of conflict [6] and may even learn effective ways to cope and resolve their own problems in the future [2]. And, whether you have children or not, using constructive conflict makes your life easier, and helps you to find solutions faster and avoid getting stuck in cycles of criticism and defensiveness that can be difficult to break out of [5]. For tips on keeping your conflict constructive, check out the list below: Stay calm This is the first and most important step. When you’re calm, it’s much easier to see your partner’s point of view, which is essential to building a constructive conversation. Look for solutions Trying to win won’t get you anywhere, so look for solutions that take everybody’s needs into account and choose a course of action together. Be accommodating If your partner is being negative or destructive, you don’t have to respond in kind. Sometimes, it only takes one of you to start making the conversation more constructive. Be positive Positive behaviour like finding a quiet space to work things out or making your partner a cup of tea can sometimes help you get through a conflict. In some instances, a bit of affection may even be appropriate [7]. References [1] Goodman, S. H., Barfoot, B., Frye, A. A., & Belli, A. M. (1999). Dimensions of marital conflict and children's social problem-solving skills. Journal of Family Psychology, 13(1), 33. [2] Grych, J. H., & Fincham, F. D. (1990). Marital conflict and children's adjustment: a cognitive-contextual framework. Psychological bulletin, 108(2), 267. [3] Johnson, K. L., & Roloff, M. E. (2000). The influence of argumentative role (initiator vs. resistor) on perceptions of serial argument resolvability and relational harm. Argumentation, 14(1), 1-15. [4] Lloyd, S. A. (1990). Conflict types and strategies in violent marriages. Journal of Family Violence, 5(4), 269-284. [5] Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1984). Why marriages fail: Affective and physiological patterns in marital interaction. Boundary areas in social and developmental psychology, 67-106. [6] Cummings, E. M., & Davies, P. (1996). Emotional security as a regulatory process in normal development and the development of psychopathology. Development and psychopathology, 8(01), 123-139. [7] Goeke-Morey, M. C., Cummings, E. M., Harold, G. T., & Shelton, K. H. (2003). Categories and continua of destructive and constructive marital conflict tactics from the perspective of US and Welsh children. Journal of Family Psychology, 17(3), 327.

When parents separate, the biggest damage to children is done by exposure to rows and disagreements. Developing a way of working out disagreements can protect your children and keep your stress levels to a minimum. Disagreements are a part of life Parents often have different views about what's best for their children, even when they are together. When you’ve separated, these disagreements can easily get blown out of proportion. Ask yourself how important the disagreement is. Often, the best way to deal with a difference is to look for a compromise or even just to let it go. Unresolved disagreements  When dealing with the more important issues, arrange a time and place where you can talk properly and where the children won't overhear. Emphasise your desire to work it out and do what’s best for the children and work to understand each other. Don’t try to win the argument, and don’t make assumptions about the other parent's needs and motives. Ask questions and check the facts. Language and behaviour  Be respectful. Avoid insults and blame, and don’t get drawn into the past. Focus on the future and what you can do to improve things. Keep reminding yourself that this is about the children, and that the best thing you can do is work together to sort things out. If you’re struggling to communicate with your ex-partner, you may find mediation helpful. Mediators are skilled at helping parents resolve disagreements. They may help you see things differently, so that you can reach an agreement.