Click

Relationship issues

About

Support

My boyfriend doesn't feel romantic feelings anymore

User article

This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 7 years. We've had quite the unique relationship. We started dating at the end of high school, and in our first year he went to Thailand to study his TEFL and he was away for 6 months. We worked through it and after that, he came forward to me that he actually has depression and it did get to a point that he was too proud to seek help until I approached that I'd leave if he didn't get help. He eventually did and it was a rocky road for him to find the correct medication etc.

In 2019, he went to university as he finally saved the money he needed and also got the bursary he wanted. It was long distance again but it's what he wanted and I told him it would work out not matter what. I decided to move to the same city as him in 2020 because I was having family issues and I needed to move out anyways.

In 2020, lockdown hit and he had to go back home. University was miserable for him because he felt he was forced into something he didn't want to study. Later in 2020, he did a suicide attempt in which he was admitted. I think this is what finally broke him that this isn't the life he wanted and he wanted to fight this.

Cutting to now, he found the correct medication and he's doing so well! We decided on a city to live in and now he just doesn't feel romantic feelings anymore. I don't understand this? Upon telling friends as I needed support, they were all relieved saying I deserve better and they didn't like him anyways because of the stress he put me through. Is that all they really see about him? There's more to him than that. Depression wasn't his fault and I chose to stay because I felt in my heart it was right.

He's coming today to talk about things and to try second chance this but if all works out, I'm scared to be letting my friends down. But I feel no one outside the relationship understands fully what it's like. Yes those years him battling depression was hard and it was total agony but is it not enough that he's better and he's doing well for himself? My family said he's put my life on hold but has he really? He's always encouraged me in everything I do in terms of my studies and career path. I'm really stuck here...

Issues

Making it work

Recommended

Supporting a partner through depression

One in five people will experience a form of depression at some point in their lives [1]. If your partner is depressed, you can play an important role in helping them get better. Depression is more than just a low mood. It’s a prolonged illness, whose symptoms include a lack of energy, a loss of interest in things you might normally enjoy, feelings of low self-worth, and changes in sleep and appetite [2]. A sudden onset of depression in your partner can have an impact on your relationship. You may have to take on a temporary caring role, which can put unexpected strain on you [3]. Some of your partner’s symptoms can affect you too: Low mood. When your partner is feeling down most of the time, it can feel like you don’t have access to the person who is most important to you. Loss of interest and energy. Your partner may lose interest in the things you like doing together, like going out, cooking, and even sex. Concentration. Depression can affect concentration, even to the extent that your partner struggles to stay involved in a conversation. Sleep and appetite. You may notice changes in your partner’s eating and sleeping patterns, which can affect their mood even further. It can also disrupt your own eating and sleeping as established routines get lost. Low self-worth. You may notice your partner being more critical of themselves and possibly lashing out at you too [2]. You may also wonder if you are responsible for your partner’s mental health problems. While there are sometimes external causes, including relationship problems, depression can often come along out of nowhere [4]. You can play a positive role in your partner’s recovery [3]. One of the first things you can do is notice the signs of depression and encourage your partner to seek help. Often, the quickest route to support is through your GP, who can make a diagnosis and refer your partner to appropriate support. There are many forms of mental health support, but it’s likely that your partner will undertake some form of talking therapy. They may be given exercises to take home. You can offer support by encouraging your partner to complete the exercises or, if appropriate, by getting involved directly. Your partner’s doctor may recommend couples therapy, which has been shown to be effective for people with depression [5]. If this is recommended to your partner, it doesn’t mean that your relationship is in trouble; it just means that you are being asked to get involved in your partner’s recovery. Attending sessions together means you can be better informed and more involved. Whether you are directly involved in your partner’s treatment or not, there are many ways you can be supportive: Encourage them to seek support. Getting your partner into professional support is one of the best ways you can help. Learn about depression. Read up on depression and its symptoms. A good place to start is the OnePlusOne and NHS guide, ‘Depression and low mood: A guide for the partner’. Set aside blame. Accept that the illness is happening, and don’t blame your partner or yourself. It’s here, and it’s treatable, so just focus on recovery. Notice the signs. Be aware of your partner’s symptoms and the things that can set off an episode of depression. Get support if things seem to be getting worse. Solve practical problems. When someone is depressed, problems can be magnified and may seem insurmountable. You can help your partner by solving practical problems, which could be as simple as doing more than your share of housework for a little while. Listen more. Clear communication and active listening can help your partner to feel better supported and more in control. Do some exercise. Help your partner to get some gentle exercise, even if it’s just a walk around the block. This can have the added benefit of helping with sleep problems. Get your partner out of the house. While it might seem easier to avoid social situations, it’s often best to try and turn up to things that they would usually enjoy. Even if you plan just to go out for half an hour, you can help your partner break out of the loop of depression and inactivity. Notice what helps. What usually makes your partner feel better – a morning walk? Cooking a healthy meal? Make a note of what works, and encourage your partner to do more of it. Keeping a mood journal can also help you to show your partner that they have been making improvements, as they may find it hard to focus on the positives [6]. Seeing a partner go through depression can be upsetting but, with the right support, even the most severe cases can be treated. As with any illness, you should seek professional help if you are worried. Recovery is likely to be gradual, but it is possible, and you can play an important part. This article gives just a quick overview of how you can support a partner with depression. For a more in-depth look, we recommend reading, ‘Depression and low mood: A guide for the partner’, co-produced by OnePlusOne and Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust. References [1] Bolton, J., Bisson, J., Guthrie, E., Wood., S. (2011) Depression: key facts. Retrieved from http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsdisorders/depressionkeyfacts.aspx [2] NHS (2015). Low mood and depression - NHS Choices. Available at http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/low-mood-and-depression.aspx [3] Crowe, M. (2004). Couples and mental illness. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 19:3, 309-318. [4] Hickey, D., Carr, A., Dooley, B., Guerin, S., Butler, E., & Fitzpatrick, L. (2005). Family and marital profiles of couples in which one partner has depression or anxiety. Journal of marital and family therapy, 31(2), 171-182. [5] Bodenmann, G., Plancherel, B., Beach, S. R., Widmer, K., Gabriel, B., Meuwly, N., ... & Schramm, E. (2008). Effects of coping-oriented couples therapy on depression: A randomized clinical trial. Journal of consulting and clinical psychology, 76(6), 944. [6] NICE (2009) Depression: The Treatment and Management of Depression in Adults (Update). NICE clinical guideline 90. Available at www.nice.org.uk/CG90.

Article | depression

Long distance: moving closer together

Article | long distance

“Boyfriend couldn't cope with my depression”

My boyfriend dumped me out of the blue in December. He has since admitted that it is because he could not cope with my depression – over the past year my illness has got worse and I also self-harm. Only a week before he left me I had confided in him how low I was feeling and that I felt I needed to get help... how he thought breaking my heart would help I do not know!! I have since tried to take my life and have reached an all-time low. I have moved back into my parents' home (I am 26 and had been living with my ex-boyfriend for a year but we had been together for 8 years!!) and I am now getting professional help. My ex knows all this and we are in contact every day – he says he wants to stay in contact and help me get better. He even came to see me last week and he looked a mess so clearly this has not been easy on him. I am hoping as I get better we might be able to work things out – am I mad? If I ever mention us getting back together he says it is too much too soon and that he doesn't know what he wants... I just want him back. If anyone has been through anything similar your story or advice would be appreciated... thanks.

Ask the community | depression

“She dumped me but I like her so much”

I have been seeing a girl for a couple of months and the relationship started off rocky. She spent a couple of days at mine, I spent a couple at hers. We had full-on weekends a few times and we already went on holidays together. She has to move abroad for work and unfortunately I cannot follow her. This is where the relationship started to get bad. Because of the move, she has a lot things going on. The plan was for me to come to visit her twice a month and then eventually follow her. However she preferred to end the relationship yesterday. She cannot cope with the move and the commute to come to my place. I have been feeling very sad and beat down since yesterday. I struggle to come to terms with the fact she's leaving me.

Ask the community | breakups, long distance

So… I really don’t know where to start from… I’m 15… yup I’m underaged that’s the reason I cannot go for serious mental health treatment.. cause my parents think teenagers like me cannot have any problem with their mental health… I mean they ain’t wrong I literally have nothing to be depressed over…but I still wanna end my life most of the time… my parents are hard workers they work day and night for me to be happy.. we have loans on our heads but they always stay so calm about it in front of me… I’m from a middle class family and my parents try their best to make me a happy person…and as a result, they have crazy high expectations from me… they tell me they see potential in me to fulfill their expectations…as a result when I doubt myself (which now that I think turns out to be literally every day) I end up having a quarrel with them…they do say mean comments to me…but their actions are justified… My mood is off literally every day without any reason…actually not every day but most of the time. And when I’m not sad and sulking over my non-existential problems, I’m hyperactive.. I have got this wired tendency of lying about fake scenarios…mostly about my parents beating me up…or body shaming me…well they, I mean my mom does that…but not every day or week…she does it only when she sees that I’m getting indiscipline… well back to fake scenarios.. I tell them to my friends just because I want sympathy…why would I do this… I realize later that I’m painting my parents as the bad guys in my life… I’m living under a lot of confusion… I lie about my mental health…I lie about most of the things… this email may be the first time I’m being completely honest with someone… a stranger…because I’m too scared to tell this to anyone else… and even if I get jugged by the receiver of this email…I won’t know that… Back to my abnormal mind… so my actual problem is that.. I feel I’m worthless… but sometimes I think I deserve better… to be more precise I have 2 types of moods… one in which I’m Hella overconfident about everything… my body…my face… my life…myself…I love everything… and then there is the 2nd type… which is opposite to the first one.. I feel sad…unhappy with myself… worthless… stupid…. A faulty for every problem in my life…. in others life… I hate my body …. I hate myself …. Most of the time I feel the second mood…to be more precise I actually love being in my sad and depressive mood… I hate being happy…not because I think I don’t deserve it… (well I do when I’m in my second mood).. but because for some reason I love being sad… I really thought this was depression… but I really don’t have a reason to be depressed.. I feel like an attention-seeking girl within my friend circle because I’m have lied countless times to them… they ask me why is my mood off I say I don’t know…they say there has to be a reason… I come up with a lie… and tell them their life is better off me… and everything goes back to normal… at this point, I feel like a burden to them… and honestly they got really annoyed the last time when I was in my depressive episode… I genuinely feel like a burden to them t this point…and well this depressive episode which I’m having is not going away…it usually lasts for a week or so… but this time it has been 2.5 weeks… and as I’m trying to lessen the burden I’m being to my friend I thought over it…. It’s really the time where I need to find out what’s wrong with me… it will be good for everyone… no I haven’t tried self-harm… I had many triggers this past week… but something in me stopped me from cutting my wrist… One more thing I have body image issues … I feel fat 24/7…except when I’m in my happy mood…. I do starve myself sometimes… The main point of writing all this to you is because…I feel something is wrong with me… and I need to know what is it… I may sound like a lunatic to you… but I hope I’m not the only person in the world feeling all this.. and if I am… well help me to become normal… I’m tired of being like this… I just can’t help it… Hope you can help me… it actually feels good to type out and tell someone what’s going on inside me… I hope I won’t judged to bad for this…

User article | depression

“My marriage makes me depressed”

I'm depressed every day. My husband constantly complains about me. He snaps at everything I say. He doesn’t let me speak and genuinely looks so annoyed when I speak to him. Ironically, I think he truly loves me. We don’t have sex but he’s OK with this. I’m only 44 and long to have a sexual relationship again. I’m depressed every day. My kids would never forgive me if I divorced him.

User article | depression, divorce

“Long distance relationship tips”

Don’t sweat it. Most people think their long distance relationship will fail because they fear their partner will replace them with someone else. In an attempt to protect themselves from this fear, their brain highlights their partner’s most negative traits. This is a common defense mechanism which prepares for the emotional pain of a breakup. However, couples who establish that they have a trusting, committed relationship, and work on their own individual mental health report greater intimacy in their long distance relationships. Lower levels of psychological distress in each individual also has positive effects on commitment, communication, and satisfaction in the long distance relationship. Healthy daily activities such as running, yoga and meditation can all contribute to a greater relationship with one’s self, which in turn results in more positivity and optimism in the relationship. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. The scarcity effect is a technique successful marketers use to increase the value perception of their products. If a product is less available, people view it as more desirable as a certain status applies to the exclusive few who have it. The latest iPhone must be amazing if there is a long queue of people waiting at the store opening to acquire one of the scarce few, right? In long distance relationships, the demand almost always exceeds the supply. You love each other deeply but cannot see each other as much as you would like. Due to this, couples see each other – and their time together – as more valuable. Planning frequent visits ahead of schedule give you anticipation and excitement. It also shows a willingness to invest in the relationship, which can make you feel more secure. Those who continue to arrange special and thoughtful dates once committed to each other have reported much more relationship satisfaction than those who see each other when it’s convenient. Communication is crucial. Although physically seeing each other may be rare, speaking with each other should not be. Communication really is essential as it results in less loneliness, greater feelings of intimacy, and lower levels of jealousy. Try to make it a mixture of planned and spontaneous communication to keep the relationship both comforting and filled with excitement.

User article | long distance, communication

“We argue constantly”

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little under a year. At first it was amazing. He treasured me so much and made me feel like I was his complete world. He has made a few mistakes along the way but always fought to rectify them and made sure that I knew how sorry he was. None of the mistakes were massive. Lately, everything just seems to have changed and we just seem to be arguing constantly, no matter how hard we try. He struggles with communication and doesn’t talk about his problems due to his childhood where he had to learn to deal with things on his own and couldn’t rely on others to be there for him. Due to this, I rarely know what’s going on inside his head and I think that sometimes, he doesn’t even know what’s going on inside his head. It can often take a good hour or two of me talking to him before he starts to open up. Until then, he appears to just shut down. Lately when we argue, he says that he is fed up and doesn’t think we will work and that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. But when we are fine again, he says that he doesn’t ever mean that, that he doesn’t want to lose me and that he’s only saying these things because he’s feeling low at the time – he struggles with low mood but hasn’t been diagnosed with depression. The way he talks to me during arguments and how he treats me generally have changed. We’ve sat down and discussed the things that need changing (communication being the key thing, especially in arguments). We’ve been working on these things and although we do sometimes go into old habits again, generally our communication and how we handle arguments is a lot better (taking time away before the argument escalates, being constructive instead of just digging at each other). There are also things that he needs to change, such as lying which has been an issue. He now seems to be being far more truthful to me, even if he knows that I won’t like what I hear. Having said all of that, when we argue he always just says that nothing has changed and that nothing will ever change. When we aren’t arguing, he acknowledges that things are slowly changing and that these things don’t just happen over night. The thing I struggle with is that I don’t know which is the truth... is he telling the truth when in an argument or just saying it to get at me? Does he say the truth when things are good or just say what he thinks I want to hear? I’m worried about our future and whether things will ever get easier. Currently, I am the one fighting for our relationship because he is in a low place anyway and struggles to talk, and then we have the constant arguments on top. He also told me that he has insecurities and he’s convinced that the inevitable is that I am going to leave him for someone else someday, which I think puts him in the mindset that there’s no point in fighting for something that is going to end anyway. Will things ever get easier or are they destined to be doomed?

Ask the community | arguments, depression, communication

“Long distance lack of affection”

My boyfriend is not the kind of guy who gives flowers, chocolates, etc. But he does give me his time. We are in a long distance relationship. We often talk to each other at night just to catch up and just simply... talk. Lately, I've been asking myself if he really do love me. He says he does but I think deep inside me, I am doubting. We've been together for a year and three months now. Sometimes, I just want to be treated the way other girlfriends are treated. With sweetness and effort. I want unexpected visits and flowers, too. But I can't say this to him. And it has been bothering me ever since. The lack of sweetness on his part makes me doubt his feelings for me and this reflects on my attitude towards him. This is affecting our relationship, greatly. Am I in the wrong here? Am I just being materialistic? Can I really base the depth of his love with a few chocolates and flowers? I feel bad for even thinking about it. I need help and advice. :'(

Ask the community | communication, long distance

“We don't go anywhere”

I've been in a realtionship with my current bf for 2 years now...well, sort of - I'm saying that because in the beginning we had a long distance relationship. He eventually moved to my city (an honorable gesture, may i say so) and in 2 months we will celebrate 1 years since we have lived in the same city. However, i must address something that it bothers me so so much. We never go out. And it's not even about spending money or something like that. I would be very happy to just go to the park together and sit on a bench. The thing is he denies to do almost everything. At first i thought he was tired, or he is busy at work or something... but this is a constant. Almost every time i have to initiate things. And 90% of times, he says he doesn't want to do anything. He just wants to sit in the house all day. I understand that he doesn't like to go to clubs and whatever (although i would love to go in such a place together) but even when i compromise it seems it's not enough. All he wants to do is sit in the house and that's all. I am so frustrated because i want to make memories with him, but it seems like he doesn't want to do the same with me... i really suffered when we were in a long distance relationship because we couldn't spend too much time together and we didn't do many things that couple get to do. I thought that if he moves here we would do stuff together...we would discover the beauty of this city together, we would explore caffees and streets and stuff like that. I told him about my feelings. I told him that i want us to do more things together...but it seems like every time i just hit a wall. We have been together for 2 years now...and all i can remember from this relationship is how we are sitting in the house all day...doing absolutely nothing. Sometimes i feel like he is only neglecting ME. In his past relationships he told me he used to visit/do all these stuff that i want now to do with him... (going to the clubs, visiting other cities, exploring parts of our town). I don't understand why he doesn't want to do things with me, but he did things with his ex and with his friends... What should i do? I am starting to lose hope...

User article | communication, arguments, long distance

“We're on a break but she's dating”

My gf took a break from me (via text) and she told she doesn't know what will happen! Long story short, I live in Berlin and she lives in Tel Aviv and she is older than me by 4 years (I'm 22) and we are dating for a year and a half (and lived together in my flat for 4 months+many visits), and this “break” is going since 2 weeks, i was very hurt when she took this decision and cutted any contact. She started texting and calling after few days - I didn't answer. After a week she sent me a recorded message, crying that she is going through a hard time and she wants to talk and blablabla, since then we talk almost everyday (fucked up right?), and today i just asked her: OK, so we are in this break already 2 weeks and that i want her to make it clear for me, if she allows her self to date other guys in the meanwhile, she told me "I don't know, I have to think about it" and she told me that she disagree with me that its cheating if she do date (maybe she already did) other guys during the "break", and i told her that she is making me lose my trust in her saying that stuff, and gave her "deadline", to tell me until tomorrow, what is her clear position, and I clarified to her to consider it breakup if she do want to date other guys during the break. So guys, whats your thoughts? (i never dealt with such situation). P.S. I got many signs also that she is narcissistic.

User article | communication, long distance

“Dating with a guy with a kid”

Hi guys, I really need your help here please as I am going desparated now. I met this guy four months ago when I was traveling to LA for my vacation. Quickly we clicked and bond together. We really enjoyed our every single moment there so we decided to keep contact and talk everyday when I came back to FL.We’re really open and transparent about our private life. I’ve never married or had a kid so everything is pretty simple from my side. He is actually still married, he and his wife submitted the divorce file and waiting for court hearing. They have 8 year old son and he’s mainly custody of the kid as his wife is flight attendant and unable to take care of the kid full time. So weeks ago he decided to bring his son with him to visit me. When his wife found out, she went crazy, they had fight, yelled to each other and she did everything to ruin his trip, acted like a bitch (as he said). Previously she was the one to control everything in their married life and he and his son have to do whatever she wants. Now since he’s with me, she may think that things are out of her control and therefore extremely upset about that. She tried everything to catch thie attention, including putting herself in trouble (like sleeping pill overdose) and my boyfriend had to be there take care of her. Eventually my boyfriend still visited me 2 days ago and they are staying with me for 2 weeks. His son is pretty a good boy but his head is packed with all the bad things from his mother about me so he’s cold to me and dislike me. And my boyfriend is too soft to his every single request, with no rule for kids and I have feeling that he’s spoiling the kid a little too much. Whatever his son asks, he follows and I haven’t seen him say no to his son during 3 days here. He came here to visit me but we hardly hold hand, hug because his son sticks around him all the time and barely talk to me though I’ve been trying to be nice. He slept with his son as well and only came to my bed at 2 or 3am and then back to his son at 6am before he woke up. I feel like I am the person who is left out in my own house, everytime his son openly talk to me, his mom called and later on, he dislike me again. I don’t really have experience with kid or dating a guy with kid so I am pretty lost here. I even feel a bit insecured because of my boyfriend’s enabling characteristic and the fact that his wife is having trouble with her boyfriend. I don’t know if it’s just my feeling or it’s common to all others who date a guy with kid. How could I do to get rid of this kind of feeling or what should I do to make this situation better, to make his son like me a bit more? Or will I have to run around and deal with his crazy wife if I still want to be with him in the future? I really appreciate your advices please

User article | long distance, ex-partner, step-parents

“Was it his depression?”

I was dating my ex for around a year and thought we were strong and suddenly four weeks ago he dumped me by text and said he wasn't in love with me and never was. Some background to this. We met last year and neither of us were looking for a relationship it just kind of happened both of us had been badly hurt i was in an abusive relationship and felt i couldnt trust anyone but he was different and i fell in love with him and we were happy so i thought. I knew he suffered depression as do I but we seemed perfect. Then his father had a stroke and weeks later we found out cancer on the brain and lungs caused this and he died within 4 weeks of us finding out. I helped nurse his dad daily and he asked for my help and supported my partner throughout and was with him when he passed away at christmas. I did everything to support him i even collected his dads ashes as he couldn't face it. He became depressed and withdrawn and a bit cold towards me emotionally and physically he lost interest which i completely understood as he was mourning his dad. Things seemed to be getting better then suddenly he told me he didnt love me and i was to needy even though i was there at his request constantly and i can find someone who will treat me like i deserve to be treated and loved and he didnt want a relationship or intimacy with anyone at the minute and hes not even sure what the hell he wants in his head and needs space. As you can imagine its broke my heart im in love with him and adore him like mad and i dont know what i did wrong. But...now he cant stop texting me daily and wants to spend time with me and wants my help and advice and he texts me every day all day and even last week while he was in spain he spoke to me and text me as soon as he got off the plane and wanted to see me as soon as he got home and i stupidly went because i love him so much and he said he wants me in his life. Hes also going off to Paris in a couple of weeks to sort out and run a new business and has to be there for two weeks and home for a week for the next 3 months and im so confused with what's going on with his feelings towards me as he obviously feels something but im scared to ask because i dont want to lose him completely. Could his depression have made him say those horrible things to me as ive never said a bad thing to him and we've had one fight in all that time and i dont know what to do as i dont want to be with anyone else but him. Will being patient make him realise what hes lost with me? Help..

User article | decline, depression, personal struggles

I don’t feel the same way

Me and my SO have been together for 4 years and we now have a 10 month old daughter. I No longer feel the way I felt when I first started dating him. I’ve been battling depression since I became pregnant and ever since then things have been different. He barely touches me ( I can’t remember the last time he’s touched me), it feels as though there is no more chemistry or love between us anymore. When I cry and explain to him how I’m feeling down or suicidal he figures out a way to make it all about him and pretty much makes me feel as though it’s my fault. when I first had our daughter he seemed as though he would help way more with her but in all honesty the last time he changed our daughter was when she was 2 weeks old .. and as I stated above she is now 10 months. He is a great father when it comes to financial issues but he does nothing when it comes to making bottles, changing her, putting her to sleep etc. him doing nothing makes me have hate for him more and more everyday and I am to the point I no longer want to be with him. I struggle leaving because I grew up without my father around and I want my daughter to grow up in a home with both parents .. do I put up with it for the sake of my daughter or do I just stop trying and end things.

User article | parenting together, depression, baby

Hello everyone, My name is L (male) and i have been in a long distance with K (female) for 8 months now. I'm in my early 30s and she is in her late 20s. I would say there have been no issues in our relationship prior to what i will mention below, and we have kept an honest and transparent communication. We are meeting up twice a month and we have plans to move in together this summer. So here is what bugs me for 3 weeks now, and I'm at a point where I feel very uncomfortable. 3 weeks ago she sent me a picture of an unknown place to me, it was the garden of a house with a barbecue, and then no contact until the next day. She said she got drunk and went to bed early, and she was apologetic about it. 3 days later, I found out that was at her ex's place, she told me herself. I genuinely didn't know how to react to this, and i sort of let it go because she insisted that i have nothing to worry about. By the way, that ex is not aware of my existence in her life. A week ago, she informed me she has a wedding to go to. This wedding is taking place today and the ceremony plus the party will last till tomorrow. I asked her whose wedding it is and where it's happening to which I got no response. The subject was tactfully avoided. I cannot ask twice, it goes against my principles. However, I know for a fact her ex has picked her up from her house and they went to that place together. My question is, what are the chances that this ex is just a closed subject to her and she hides it so that I don't feel uncomfortable about it? Thank you in advance

User article | long distance

"Am I wrong to wait for him?"

It's been over one month I still cannot get over what's going on. I'm gay btw. The story is just way too long but I still need to tell it from the beginning for better understanding. I met this guy through an app. He literally lived over 17.000 away miles from me.We talked for awhile and we had a lot in common; however, what I felt was him being a good friend. One day he confessed to me that he loved me. But like I didn't want to reject him directly and I said we had to see each other in person and see how things go. So probably we got time to know about each other a little more. I was stupid during the time because I felt alone in my country so I went on Tinder to look for some friends. I stumbled upon this guy and dated him. I still kept talking to the friend let's call him A. Then I told A that I found a boyfriend and things have been alright. But the boyfriend needed to fly back to his country for his education and we still dated. The boyfriend became so distant when he got back to his country and one day he asked me if he could hook up with other people because he felt so bored. I felt so broken inside but I convinced him not to and we still dated. I didn't know if A was hurt knowing that I wasn't single anymore but A decided to book a ticket to make all his way from 17.000 away just to see. I accommodated him when he visited me. We did what lovers would do like going to restaurants, coffeeshops or just laying in bed hugging each other for the whole day. We developed this kind of feelings for each other, and one night I lost my sobriety and went for a kiss. I realised that I really really liked him more than just a friend. I never felt so special in my whole life and he made me aware of how valuable being alive is. But I was still committed to the relationship so after A flew back to his country, I needed to keep a distance between us but still texting him like we were very close friends. We talked literally every day and cared about each other so deeply. At that point, I knew that I didn't love the boyfriend and he didn't love me either so I decided to break up with him to let us both free. I just wanted to ask A to be my boyfriend right away but like it would make it sound like he was my backup plan, so I waited for a little bit more so I could naturally get close to him. Unfortunately, one day A got into trouble with some unexpected legal issues, he was never involved in something that serious. He wasn't able to be calm and he didn't talk to me much about his difficulty. I thought he just needed some time and I gave him a break but I kinda missed talking to him. And then He just disappeared for one day, two days then one week two weeks. I couldn't stand it any longer so I asked if he was seeing someone. And it turned out that he started dating someone else for a few weeks and I never had time to confess my feelings to him. It's literally like he loved me too early and I loved him too late. And I cannot get over that fact that he's being someone else's. It's been over a month and I don't even know what's the next step to take and I've been feeling guilty for what I did to him and missing him so much. I cry every single day for how dumb I have been. He is literally the best person I have ever met. He made all his way from his country to mine just to see me. He checked on me every second when I got lost and called him just calm myself down. He stayed up really late just to help me with my assignments. When my mom got into the hospital he was there for me and provided me with unexpectedly financial support. All of which my ex-boyfriend would never mind. I can't even start loving someone else and all I want right now is just him. Am I so selfish in this situation? I just really really miss him and want him back so badly. He still stays that he wants me in his life and he wants to fix everything but he just doesn't know how. I just hope that he means it's possible for us to get back together in the future. I have been losing my sanity and I just really need help.

User article | long distance

“Sexually frustrated female”

I honestly did not think this day would come but I am in a sexless relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and half. Sex-wise we were doing great but things started to slow down and now have stopped for the past three months. Here are some things I/we tried: 1. Asking him to speak to someone about his depression - he said he didn't want to waste his money. 2. Speak to a doctor - he went for a check up and said everything was okay (although I'm skeptical about this) 3. Communicate - he said he's just too stressed and tired or in pain from work 4. All little booze - we started but he said he was too tired to continue 5. Me outright asking him - he was very passive about it and then said he will eventually He also has a pretty unhealthy lifestyle for someone approaching his 30s with some weight gain. I feel like I'm trying my best to be patient and he keeps saying things, but not following up with actions. Our relationship also lacks intimacy because he says he not "deep" like that. So I don't have much to replace the lack of sex. It is almost like we are friends... kissing also almost never happens unless I initiate it. I really don't know where to go from here... I cannot even say if this is legitimate reason to break up. Does anyone have any insight?

User article | sexless, depression

“No passion at all”

I've been in my relationship for five years now. Everything was great at first. For the first year we were long distance and made a real effort when we saw each other. I moved to be with him after a year and that's when the trouble started. We hardly ever have sex these days, maybe four times a year if I'm lucky. I've tried talking to him about it in the past, but he refuses to see there's a problem and always said things would get better and that we would be fine. He won't go to a doctor or a counsellor. In the past I've thought it was a porn addiction problem, and it might still be, but I think we just have wildly different sex drives and he's become lazy and complacent in the relationship. I've stood in front of him naked and he says he doesn't feel anything. We used to argue about it all the time, but I don't have the energy to anymore. I think I've checked out. What I used to think was normal I'm starting to realise really isn't - weekdays we get home from work, one of us cooks and we eat together, but then he goes up into his office to game until 10, when he comes down we spend an hour together before bed. We never go to bed together, he'll then go back to his computer, and he always gets up before me so I feel as if I'm sleeping alone every night. For the few hours we do spend together we don't hold hands or touch each other or even kiss passionately, it's just a peck on the lips. It's not enough for me, but I'm scared of missing all the good things we do have. He is very supportive of my job and things I do outside of work, he's there when my mental health is low, he shares the cooking and jobs around the house, but I feel like we're just friends. I'm 33 and would really like a family one day, but if we ever did manage to get pregnant with our lack of sex I'm worried I'd be doing most of the work. I know sex isn't everything in a relationship, and I'm questioning should I throw away what we do have for intimacy? I would like someone to look at me occasionally like they really want me and to be told I'm beautiful, but I don't know if I'm asking too much from life.

User article | sexless, long distance

“He's in a long distance relationship”

I met this guy about a year ago during my Christmas holiday with my family to my first home country. He and I became close friends just after meeting him (we have a lot in common) and I already knew he had a girlfriend. But I never thought I would have a crush on him. We would always talked even when I went back to the second home country and play till it was very late for him. Fast forward after few months later (we didn't talk much in those few months as I got back with my bf but broke up again after returning to my first home country), we started hanging out more and eventually fell for him again. But a friend told me not to fall for him anymore because he has a girlfriend and I would get hurt, even if he thinks me and the guy are good for each other. Side note: I support and respect his relationship and I never thought or ever want to interfere in their relationship. Eventually, I had to keep my distance from him because I know I don't have any chance with him, but I also don't want to lose the friendship between me and him. And had moved on from him for another few months until the feelings came back. Ever since my feelings for him came back, he became very close. Like close enough to hold or touch me all the time and play with my fat (I'm a chubby person). Especially if we hang out at my friends place, we would watch movies in their bedroom and he would lay beside me. I also notice how close he is to me. But I couldn't or don't want to assume anything. Whenever we would hang out together, he would ask to carry my bag or carry whatever I am holding (it's the sweetest thing, I mean I know some guy does this but he only asks me and not my girl best friend). Moving forward around present time, he became more and more affectionate or like wanting to cling on me. I know it's somewhat normal for guy friends to be leaning on each other or clingy to each other with no meaning, but I felt it was different to him because he does it only towards me and not our guy friends nor my best friend. Here's some signs I thought was off (didn't seem right for me cause he has a gf): Whenever we would take a bus, he would sit more close to me while I distant myself from him but still close the gap between me and him, especially if it is with me and my best friend. He would sometimes play with my hair or like pull it (not hard though). He asks what I want to eat when we go to my friends place because he does the cooking, but he never asked my friend what he wants to eat. He replies or seen my messages but not my friend's message. He would buy me something or pay for my transportation even if I have money to pay. Another day of our hang out, we went to watch another movie at my friends house in the bedroom. There are three beds, but two beds are in front of the tv. The guy and my friend was sitting on the middle bed comfortably while I had the other bed to myself until he moved to my bed and asked me to scoot to the corner of the bed. When he went on the bed, he was leaning on me or he was very close to me, I don't know if it is just because he can't see because there was a table in between the bed me and the guy were on and on the other bed my other friends were on but it was too close that I didn't have anymore space on my side. Skipping forward towards to where the movie almost finishes, he sat up where I couldn't see the tv so I shifted my body to his side of the bed to see what's happening and he lays down on me hold me and wrestling me but it didn't hurt, it was kinda gentle and but still holding me strong (ps, he was shirtless).

User article | long distance

“My boyfriend's low sex drive”

I am a 24-year-old female in a relationship with a 23-year-old male. We live together with his mum but are moving out as soon as we have the money. We have been together for coming up to two years. We were originally long distance as we are from different countries and we visited most months. Our sex life was incredible from the beginning. We are so sexually compatible and it was so fulfilling. However, recently he has had such a low sex drive and mine is usually high that it is becoming a problem for me. He is stressed at work and has been feeling very anxious lately, so he says he is not in the mood. I try to initiate sex and he says that he is too tired or too hot or too stressed and always says later or tomorrow but I know he won’t. He never initiates sex or touches me sexually anymore – well, very rarely. I have tried everything. I’ve tried making myself look sexier, suggesting we do things I know he’s wanted to try, only initiated when he hasn’t got work or when we’re home alone all day and he has no need to be stressed and isn’t tired. When he is in the mood it is how it has always been, really passionate and intense but it just isn’t often enough to satisfy me. Lately, my self-esteem has been so dreadful. I’ve started getting jealous and paranoid which is not like me at all. I can’t stop dreaming about him and his best friend's girlfriend. She wears more makeup and more revealing clothes than me and we went to a party and he confided in her about his anxiety (he said he said it super casually). She cried to him and he comforted her but they were in her closet, and then they were gone for over half an hour. I didn’t know where they were and then they came back in the room laughing and he was wearing some of her clothes, like her dresses and stuff, and one of his other friends she had dressed up that night too. He is insecure about his body to me, yet he will get undressed in front of her. Also, he told me that when they were getting him dressed, she told him, “Don’t go looking in the drawers” and told him she had loads of dildos and sex toys... I’ve been going crazy thinking about this and having bad dreams where he cheats on me. I explained that our lack of sex is affecting my self-esteem and he seemed frustrated by me. I’m worried that if I try to discuss it with him that I will push him away. Everything else in our relationship is perfect and I’m so happy with him. He is so affectionate with me still and tells me I’m pretty and hugs and kisses me but I am a very sexual person. I need it to feel connected and close to who I am with. I’m not sure what I should do. Does anyone have any advice on how I should banish these delusional thoughts and also try to rekindle his sex drive?

User article | insecurity, sexless, long distance

Comments 1