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“Does my boyfriend feel bad about my past?”

Hello everyone. There is something on my mind and I did not know who to share it with. It is the first time that I am using this website.

I am currently in a very respectful and loving relationship for a year and a half. I am 30 and he is 31. My boyfriend is the best man I have known in my life and I am experiencing emotions with him that I did not know I could have again. I feel I am a better person because of him. On our one-year anniversary night, he gave me the key to his house and asked me to move in with him, so it is six months that we have been living together and I have never felt more peaceful in my life!

Couple of days ago, something happened. In the first few weeks of our dating, he asked me about my previous relationships and he told me about his. His past relationships were all some normal type of dating and he felt so relaxed talking about them. Unfortunately, I had my first relationship during my Erasmus program abroad when I was very young and it was not a very pleasant one. It ended up with lies and betrayal and in the end I realized that I was totally abused and there was no love since the beginning. I finished all contacts and have never seen that person again. It had a very bad effect on me that I could not trust men for so many years after that.

Finally, I moved on and since I met my current boyfriend, I feel like I am 20 again and I feel so happy. He just knows that I had my first love in the Netherlands and it ended badly. We never talked about it again. Couple days ago, I did some video calls with many of my friends (International friends I have had since I was in the Netherlands) since we are at home all day due to the quarantine now and I wanted to know how is the Corona virus situation in each of their countries.

After talking to all of them, I missed my good memories during my scholarship program and I ended up digging up my photos and videos of my exchange program. I do not have any photos of that person and I just watched the videos of my friends and our trips. He joined me and wanted to know what I was watching. I explained to him about the trips I did and a background of my friends in the pictures. He said he want to see the pictures of the person who broke my heart and I said that I have deleted everything about him and I really have!! He did not continue and the rest of the night went by peacefully.

By the end of the night, after we said good night and I was going to sleep, he started talking about emotional stuff and wanted to know more about that person. I really did not want to talk about it since I really don't want to remember anything and tried to skip the conversation. He on the other hand continued talking and asking questions that I was not comfortable with until 3:30 a.m!! We practically did not get any sleep that night. At 7 a.m., he woke up (I am not sure if he slept at all) and started to show that he wants to have sex now. I did not have any problems with having the sex, although it seemed strange to me since he had to go to work in an hour and he never wakes up a minute before he absolutely has to in the mornings!

During our sex, I noticed he was totally different. He did not do anything like the way he used to do every time. He did not even talk to me or look into my eyes. Our relationship that morning was the most dominant that we ever had and he was even a bit inconsiderate of how I am feeling. I am not complaining about the sexual part in particular. I am not worried about that. Actually, it did not feel that bad sexually speaking!! What scared me a bit was his behavior. I called his name many times and it was like he is not even hearing or doesn't care if I am not comfortable. I was hurt a little bit that morning and I felt pain all that day. He even came inside me which is something he never does and he is very careful about it.

When he came back from work that night , he was completely normal and the next time we had sex, he was again the nice, careful gentleman that he always is. What made me write this post is that I do not understand the reason of his behavior and I would appreciate if people with experience would help me. I want to understand the reason behind his action to know if it can happen again or not. He is very gentle and caring and I don't want to have any bit of fear from him in my heart. Also, I do not know if I did something that bad which made him feel that way that lead to his behavior. In that case, I want to be more careful about what I do because his heart is just so gentle and I really do not want to hurt him one bit. Thanks for reading my long story and for sharing your ideas with me. I appreciate it very much.

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