Hello, I am very confused and don't know what to do so i thought im gonna ask the internet, maybe that will make me realise what to do. I've split it up in different sections so it is easier to read, i hope. I'm dyslectic so this isnt easy for my to write. So please don't mind my spelling and sentence construction.
I’m currently 22 years old and have a girlfriend that i have been with for 3 years now. This is the only serious relationship i’ve ever had (i had 1 relationship before her when i was 16 but that really ment nothing) She is the only one I have ever had sex with (i’ve fooled around with 2 other girls before her (Kissed and foreplay)) but except for that she is the only one i have ever really had sex with. She on the other hand has had multiple boyfriends before (but i am her longest lasting relationship) obviously she also had sex and other experiences before with her previous boyfriends. I’m absolutely not jealous, not even a little bit. I trust my girlfriend 300%. I was always pretty shy especially when it comes to girls. Ever since i met my girlfriend i’ve really grown and I’m absolutely not shy anymore. That is mainly because of the relationship i think. It made me love myself more and made me more proud and certain of who i am.
I’m a very passionate, romantic and caring man. If i want to learn something new i go for it 100% and get totally obsessed with it, because i want to be the best at it. I like buying presents for people and do that a lott and sometimes even exaggerate it with my girlfriend.
She on the other hand is pretty jealous and isn’t always the easiest person to live with. This is not just me saying this, also her parents, friends and even herself know this. She sometimes can get really pissed off and then says she wants to break up because of something i did when in reality i really did not do something terrible and wrong. But i know that she just says this and doesn’t mean it but sometimes it still hurts when she says those sort of things because i really really love her and she truly means a lot to me. So she sometimes gets mad about the stupidest things and then blames me for it. I know how to handle those sort of situations because i know her better then herself sometimes. But still i sometimes think that i can’t keep doing this my whole life. For me it feels like im the one that always fights for the relationship and she just always immediately gives up when things gets rough. this makes me question our relationship sometimes because i want a real good and sturdy relationship in my future and that is required with the study and carrier that im going to have in the future.
Before my girlfriend:
I was 18 years old and just started university. I had great fun with my friends and i lived in a student house where i met this girl (lets call her lucy). She also lived in this student house and we got really close. We got together almost every night to watch something (a tv show or something) in her dorm, on her bed, just the 2 of us. Like literally almost every night, when i wasnt out partying with my friends, i was with her. She had a boyfriend but halfway through the year she broke up with him (i still think that it was because she had developed feelings for me). Im sure if i tried to make a move, i would have succeeded and we would’ve become a couple. But sadly i didn’t because i was to shy and not confident in myself enough. But i really really liked her, I dremt about her, i pictured myself with her. She also was really pretty.
I met my grilfriend:
The first year at university was almost over and in the last month I met a girl (my current gf). She was good friends with my sister and that’s how we met. I knew she liked me because she told my sister and her friendgroup started teasing us. but i was to shy to do anything again. But was flirting with her. But mostly she took the steps and initiative and i just went with it. But is was mostly her moves on me because i had no moves. I also told lucy this and even though she acted excited for me i now know that she was pretty sad about me meeting someone. The beginning of my relationship with my gf was hard. I was still a virgin so that was exciting and thrilling. but after that phase passed things got hard. She was really jealous and sometimes really toxic. I now realise that our relationship then was really toxic. She always got mad and i always took the blame and felt really bad for it because i thought i did something wrong but now i realise that that wasn’t the case i was just being used as a victim.
My relationship now:
But now 3 years later our relationship is pretty healthy. I would not say great because she still is a difficult person but i know how to handle her. And I don’t let her control me like she did in the beginning. We have a pretty stable relationship and we are both very happy iwth eachother and have a lot of fun and laughter. Yes of course sometimes we argue and have rough days but nothing big or serious. I love her very much and she loves me too. there is only one thing that bothers me: Sex. I think in those 3 years we had real sex less than 20 times. I have a pretty high libido so sometimes its really hard for me. But we do do foreplay and so on but not that often. She is also struggling with vaginismus i think, it was never diagnosed (i have knoledge of these things, so i think im right when saying she has vaginismus). We talk about it sometimes and I always say that she needs to go to a gynecologist and she agrees but keeps delaying it because she is scared. In the beginning i was supportive for her because it wasn’t her fault (she just had too much pain that i couldn’t even penetrate a full finger). I was very supportive and caring but she keeps delaying going to the doctor and therefore i almost stopped trying to have sex or any form of foreplay because it only leads to dissapointment. I really like it when we do these things annd i tell her that but i also want the real thing (real sex) because i never had anyone before her so i want to experience those things too. We haven’t had sex in over 1,5 years now i think. And i still love her to bits, Like really really love her.
The story of lucy:
After my first university year I switched to a different student house and my girlfriend sleep together almost every night. I lost connection with Lucy a bit (I still met her at parties sometimes and i’d flirt with her a little (more as friends) but nothing too serious because i am loyal and would never cheat on my girlfriend never. But then my grilfriend would get mad for “flirting” with her but i really wasn’t actually flirting ( this was in my girlfriend and i toxic phase)). So i saw lucy sometimes and soometimes we would send each other some messages but nothing big or nothing like it was before. The year after that was covid so nothing really exiting happend. I stayed in quarantaine with my girlfriend and my family that whole year of covid, that improved our relationship a lot.
Then comes this year, covid is over and back to the student house. Lucy asked if i knew any nice student houses for her. I said that she could try the student house where i resided and she did. But still me and my girlfriend still spend almost every night togheter in my dorm. That lucy was in the same student house as me of course meant i saw her more often again, but still nothing compared to the amount we did the first year of university. But still i had those same feelings about her eventhough i have a girlfriend that i love very very much. One day lucy and were going to the same party (that happend a lot and wasn’t exeptional) she was already there and i was stil at the studetn house. She sent me a text asking if i would grab something from her dorm and take it with me to give to her (a sweater or something, i dont remember). So i did that but when i went in her dorm i saw her diary (she had this small book that she would write things in and put memories, pictures and so on inside, and she wrote about her life). We had talked about the diary before and she was pretty protective about me not reading it. But as i was alone in her dorm grabbing something for her, i couldn’t resist. I opened it and read it. I read about our first year in college and she had noticed that i liked her and she kept things and funny notes that i wrote that i didn’t even know that she had or even forgot that they existed anymore. I ound that really cute. I could also read her disappointment she felt when i told her i met my current girlfriend. And she even wrote about me these past 2 years when we met at parties and talked/flirted with each other. I think i can say that she also liked/likes me.
I also went on a weekend away with some friends (and friends from my friends) without my girlfriend and here i got to know a girl (she was a friend of a friend) and i did find her very pretty but i didn’t really know her, i saw her at a few parties before throughout the years and we looked at each other and noticed a connection that we found each other attractive but nothing serious. During this weekend we flirted with each other and this time actually flirted and while drunk and dancing even danced close to each other and against eachother. When everyonne went sleeping she and i were the last ones left, just the two of us. I knew i had a girlfriend and i shouldn’t feel this but i really had the urge to have sex with her eventhough i knew i shouldn’t. I had never felt this temptation before it was really weird for me (she also really wanted me). We stood face to face to each other and the tension was really really high but i just couldn’t do it. I was drunk but luckly i did’nt do anything stupid. It was pure lust i did like her but it was more pure attraction i had no real feelings for her. When i came back that weekend i had a mixed feeling: i didn’t regret not kissing her but i also but was also happy that i didn’t do it because i know i shouldn’t and i couldn’t do that to my girlfriend. But it made me realise that i have those feelings of lust and that because i was with my girlfriend i can’t have those random hook ups and enjoy my youth. But i also don’t want to give her up for some random girls. But htat was the first time i had that feeling.
This was also the first time i really questioned our relationship and we had 2 weeks were it went really really rough because i was really questioning if i wanted this girl for the rest of my life.
It is better now i still really love her but i still sometimes ( once every 2 weeks) i get that thought in my head that this relationship isn’t gonna last and that i have to end it even though everything is great between us and we have lots of fun togheter. There is still Lucy that spooks in my head all the time everytime i see her i realise i like her a lot and it feels like she is the one that got away. I also find Lucy prettier then my own girlfriend and i think she is more stable and more wife material than my current girlfriend. I just really have the feeling that she is the one that got away. everytime i see her i want to talk to her and make her notice me. I get butterflies if i see her, smell her, see her online on instagram,... I think about that a lot and i make myself crazy thinking about it. I really like Lucy but i have this whole life build up with my girlfriend and her family and we have the same friend group and i know if a break up with her we can’t be friends anymore. I can do that but i just know that she can’t, she is unreasenable in some things and that is definitely one. I really don’t know what to do. I have the feeling that im still with my grilfirend out of habit, we don’t even have sex. But still i love her and sometimes when we are together i just keep smiling because im happy with her and she does somethinng cute. But still i have doubts that Lucy is th eone for me. And then there are also the feeling that i want to be single for some time because i am in the prime of my life and want to have experience with other girls (not neccesarly hookinng up because im not that type of guy that hooks up with random people) but still i find it hard to believe that im never gonna have that feeling of being single and no attachments in my life.
Im confused to what i should do. Should i calm myself down and don’t worry and just be with the girl that i think i love (my girlfriend) and be with her and skip that exciting phase in my life of being single. Or should i breakup with her and live that single life and see if Lucy truly is the one (whoch i really think she is) But maybe i’ll regret it one i broke up with my gf and Lucy is not that what i thought it was (but i really really like her). If i break up with my girlfriend i loseeverything that we build togheter (echothers famillies, parents, friends, habits,...) I dont want to lose that because our lives are basically togheter and we are always togheter. Please help me and give me advise on what i should do.
Sorry for the extreme long post but i’m really stuck with my thoughts.