It's been over one month I still cannot get over what's going on. I'm gay btw. The story is just way too long but I still need to tell it from the beginning for better understanding. I met this guy through an app. He literally lived over 17.000 away miles from me.We talked for awhile and we had a lot in common; however, what I felt was him being a good friend. One day he confessed to me that he loved me. But like I didn't want to reject him directly and I said we had to see each other in person and see how things go. So probably we got time to know about each other a little more.
I was stupid during the time because I felt alone in my country so I went on Tinder to look for some friends. I stumbled upon this guy and dated him. I still kept talking to the friend let's call him A. Then I told A that I found a boyfriend and things have been alright. But the boyfriend needed to fly back to his country for his education and we still dated. The boyfriend became so distant when he got back to his country and one day he asked me if he could hook up with other people because he felt so bored. I felt so broken inside but I convinced him not to and we still dated.
I didn't know if A was hurt knowing that I wasn't single anymore but A decided to book a ticket to make all his way from 17.000 away just to see. I accommodated him when he visited me. We did what lovers would do like going to restaurants, coffeeshops or just laying in bed hugging each other for the whole day. We developed this kind of feelings for each other, and one night I lost my sobriety and went for a kiss. I realised that I really really liked him more than just a friend. I never felt so special in my whole life and he made me aware of how valuable being alive is.
But I was still committed to the relationship so after A flew back to his country, I needed to keep a distance between us but still texting him like we were very close friends. We talked literally every day and cared about each other so deeply. At that point, I knew that I didn't love the boyfriend and he didn't love me either so I decided to break up with him to let us both free. I just wanted to ask A to be my boyfriend right away but like it would make it sound like he was my backup plan, so I waited for a little bit more so I could naturally get close to him.
Unfortunately, one day A got into trouble with some unexpected legal issues, he was never involved in something that serious. He wasn't able to be calm and he didn't talk to me much about his difficulty. I thought he just needed some time and I gave him a break but I kinda missed talking to him. And then He just disappeared for one day, two days then one week two weeks. I couldn't stand it any longer so I asked if he was seeing someone. And it turned out that he started dating someone else for a few weeks and I never had time to confess my feelings to him. It's literally like he loved me too early and I loved him too late. And I cannot get over that fact that he's being someone else's.
It's been over a month and I don't even know what's the next step to take and I've been feeling guilty for what I did to him and missing him so much. I cry every single day for how dumb I have been. He is literally the best person I have ever met. He made all his way from his country to mine just to see me. He checked on me every second when I got lost and called him just calm myself down. He stayed up really late just to help me with my assignments. When my mom got into the hospital he was there for me and provided me with unexpectedly financial support. All of which my ex-boyfriend would never mind. I can't even start loving someone else and all I want right now is just him.
Am I so selfish in this situation? I just really really miss him and want him back so badly. He still stays that he wants me in his life and he wants to fix everything but he just doesn't know how. I just hope that he means it's possible for us to get back together in the future. I have been losing my sanity and I just really need help.