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Am I acting like a jealous wife?

found texts on my husbands phone in March to a woman, whome I was led to believe was only 22/23, however turned out to be 35.

I have known about my husbands collegues at work as we often discuss our day when we get home from work and this woman's name has arisen quite a few times since 2019 onwards. However I was totally unaware of how close my husband and she were until I went into his phone and discovered the amount of texts there were between the two of them, although I must mention that all the texts seem to be instigated by husband and not her leading me to feel that he has developed some sort of connection with her outside of our marriage..

Back in january 2022, 6 weeks or so before I found the texts, I noticed a change in him towards me, like a coldness, something to which I had never felt before. I told him I felt that he had feelings for her, to which he denied and said I was wrong. It appears now, that I was not wrong and he has openly admitted to having feelings for her, but insists they are nothing compared to what he feels for me, it is just a friendship. How deep his feelings actually are I do not know. I suspect deep enough for him not to be able to put us or our marriage first.

He told me she has problems with her Boyfriend and that they discuss her personal life, Sexlife, aswell as other things that they have in common..

I have asked him if he has discussed our personal life with her, he said not. I've never had a problem with my husbands female work collegues and have never felt threatened or been given any reason before in our 22year relationship (16 of those married) to feel mis-trust, until now.

To me boundaries have been crossed but he does not seem to understand that there is an issue and feels that because he has'nt slept with this woman he has done nothing wrong.. This is basically where we are at..

I am struggling to get past the betrayal hurt and total disrespect that I feel. I feel that his lack of understanding as to why I feel so hurt and betrayed is causing real conflict in our marriage.

Their relationship/friendship is still ongoing at work, although A has told me he now tries to avoid her, ( I do not feel that this is true though). when they do cross paths he has told me they still hug on occassion, as she is a huggy person and that on occasions he kisses her on the head, whether she has reciprocated back with a kiss on the head/cheek, I do not know.

I do not know how long their flirtatious behaviour has been going on, I can only suspect as far back as 2019, so it's been gradually building for some time and it is quite apparent to me that it has been welcomed by both parties, maybe as a means of escapism for him, from the humdrum drudgery routine of marriage, or maybe he felt that I wasnt their for him somehow, maybe he felt neglected, I dont know. What her reasons are i don't know, what I do know, is that I was and am not happy with it.

When I found the texts on 2nd march it was a shock. I confronted my husband, to which he phoned in work sick, which only added to my suspicion, if you dont feel that you have done anything wrong why phone in sick? He was well aware how hurt I felt at the whole situation back in march and I mean deeply hurt.

Regardless of my feelings, he went on to buy her not 1 but 3 birthday presants for her birthday in june, to which she was over the moon with.. I feel that he has and still is minimizing the relationship/friendship to pacify me. I don't feel that he has lied to me, but I feel that he hasn't been entirely truthful on the depth of his relationship/friendship or feelings for her and how much it meant and still means to him? If he is questioned in any way regarding this " friendship" or the texts, he goes on the defensive.

To me he could of avoided all this back in March, if only he had put us and our marriage as top priority, but it became quite obvious what mattered most to him and that he had no loyalty to our marriage or us, otherwise we would not be sat here today..

This situation has caused a lot of soul searching for me, aswell as arguments, which are becoming tiresome and taking its toll on me mentally. When we argue, i end up stonewalling, because I'm so hurt/angry i literally cannot speak. This is not fair or healthy for our marriage, I know that and it's a trait that I have, that needs serious attention. It's certainly not healthy for me..

There are times when I can't see the woods for the trees, and I have spent the last 8 months picking apart our marriage, stitch by stitch until it has all but disintegrated. My gut instinct is telling me that something is not right. I am a strong person, I can take the truth, what I can't take is a watered down version of the truth, or edited versions of it. If I feel my trust has been broken, then I in turn feel so betrayed, to the point where I cannot even begin to imagine how I will get back to the person I was before, if that is at all possible.

I feel that the me that believed in her Marriage, that felt that she was married to the best man/soulmate is lost. I feel Something must have been wrong with our marriage, i must have played a part in this. Somewhere somehow, his feelings must of shifted for me at sometime for him to develope such feelings for her on a emotional level and for him to send texts in the nature that he did..building up to such a level of wanting to go for a drink and offering her a lift home, apparently to help sort her life out, to fix her because they can't talk at work. Thus giving an opportunity to be alone together, which I believe is quite dangerous territory, given the fact that he had already developed feelings and an emotional connection with her outside our marriage..

I am disappointed that he couldn't talk to me. Something was obviously wrong with us, to which I was oblivious too.

I welcome any input you could offer on if my feelings are justified..also am I right in feeling that I needed to take measures to try and put a stop to this relationshop/friendship from developing any further. No actual actions were taken by him to stop the friendship, even though he new how hurt I was by what I had read.

I felt my feelings were of no consequence and all that mattered to him was his "friendship" with her

I have never accused him of cheating or sleeping with her I do not feel that this has happened, what I have accused him of is having feelings for her, more than friendship. I feel he is in denial of these feelings, because then it would mean him admitting that he was/is capable of another woman occupying thoughts, headspace for which only should be reserved for your spouse.

If that is the case, there is not much I can do, these things happen in life, people change, feelings change, one thing I do know is you will not be able to suppress feelings, they will keep re-surfacing and it is just best to be honest and truthful. Their is nothing worse than living a lie and it is also this that hurts, to think that he would only be here because, he has nowhere else to go, is sad. Don't ever give up happiness for materialism. People restart and build again all the time.

These things happen in life. I have voiced all these concerns to him and he says this is not the case, but I feel the texts that he sent to her do not resonate what he is saying to me, his actions and texting tell me different. I thought we had a good marriage on the whole, I thought we shared and talked about everything, to find out this is not to be the case has come as a bit of a shock, as I was totally oblivious and had no idea of his " friendship" with her and this has forced me to seek a bit of a reality check. It is while taking this reality check that I find myself now Veiwing our marriage differently, because I was treated with such indifference..still am.

If ever mention her or ask him if he has spoken to her, his answer is always, had a 2 SECOND conversation with her to one has ever had a 2second conversation..and if you press him, well what was your 2sec conversation, he gets all I shouldn't be asking. I shouldn't have to ask at all, he should tell me if they have had conversations when at work, whether they are "2seconds" or 20min.

The saddest part of all this is that I feel that the old marriage is lost, we now have to try and build a new US, but we won't be the same, the marriage wont be the same. I will miss the marriage that we had the one that made me feel safe, the one that made me feel special, I no longer feel safe or special. I now feel like I constantly have to have my guard up, waiting for the moment when his feelings resurface.May be how I feel will fade in time, but when your reaching 60 time is more precious, why waste it on some thing that is never going to give you peice of mind, you can't buy peice of mind. Probably most of this is just mind talk, the mind is a powerful tool, because you dont know the truth and when you feel your feelings are being invalidated, you tend to come up with your own version of events, which is worse, but that's what happens when trust goes.

Am I acting like a jealous wife? am i over-reacting? is it all in my head?, oh and the latest one is, I am warped in the head.. All of which have been said to me by my husband.. On the whole my husband is a kind, considerate and empathic man, ( although I have not witnessed much of that towards me the last few months) who still tells me he loves and adores me at every opportunity he gets. It was these attributes and qualities in him that made me fall in love with him.

To find that he has reciprocated things he has said to me, things that I thought were specially for me, with another woman, well, it's not nice to read.

I now regrettably find myself reacting to these statements of adornment and undying love with cynicism and irony, for someone who is supposed to love and adore you, why would they want to to hurt you and continue to hurt you when they could stop it..this I don't understand as love, that is not love, that is indifference..

I feel he was physically attracted to C

The walk
The talk
The flirtatious personality
The dress sense
The confidence
Generally the way she just carries herself.

I wouldn't be suprised that at some point in their relationship/friendship he has at least once thought to himself, I wish my wife was more like her. would he be honest and tell the truth if he was asked the question?

The volume of texts, the contents of the texts, all show that it was more than a friendship, I feel if he denies that it was anything more than friendship, then in his mind it's ok, to admit that it was something more than friendship, maybe in his head that would make him a bad person, for him to admit that he has feelings for someone other than me cannot be easy, so its easier to deny it.It doesnt make him a bad person it makes him I said these things happen someone can walk into your life and turn your world upside down and you dont even see it coming. she messaged him the other day about wanting to know his 5 favourite films favourite things to do and favourite beer.

Messages and phone calls still going on to this day.. I appreciate any advice on what to do.

Kind Regards M

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