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He won't forgive me – 13 years of punishment

I've been married for 12 years and have continued to be punished for mistakes I made before we officially got together. At the early stage of dating, before we were an official couple I slept with someone else, he'd read messages on my phone and not realising at first tried to hide it from him. I lied at first, but came clean about it. After that he read my emails from years before we met, finding out about previous relationships before we met. For the entirety of our marriage has tormented me about my past sexual experiences, making me feel so bad I want to take my life at times. He'd never had a relationship before meeting me, is frustrated I don't want to engage in sexual activities I tried before meeting, but I can't, I feel so ashamed. He doesn't want counselling to address the issues and can't forgive me. I've apologised so many times, I'm remorseful. What can I do?

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