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“Falling for an unavailable man”

OK, here goes. Before I get everyone telling me how awful I am... I already know. But I need to get this off my chest as there’s no one else I can speak to about this.

I was in a relationship (on and off) for five years. I think we’d both settled. He cheated on me three times and I’ve caught him on dating apps numerous times. Needless to say I forgave him every time and believed his lies. I then started to feel incredibly depressed. I wouldn’t go out, wouldn’t talk to him, and generally didn’t treat him very well (he didn’t really seem to care at the time).

Anyway, there was a works do a year ago and my colleague kissed me. My colleague who is living with his partner - I thought they had a strong relationship. It was definitely just a drunken snog but I did enjoy it. At the time my partner was telling me he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me so it was a great confidence boost. I didn’t really know my colleague that well at the time so it was easy enough to forget about it and never speak of it again.

As the months went on we grew closer and closer, I was confiding in him more than my partner (I didn’t really realise this though). I then realised I was starting to get feelings for him, and started having dreams that we were in a relationship. A couple of months later at another works do we kissed again, but both knew what we were doing. After that we started talking a lot about us kissing, it became the main topic we spoke about, and basically saying we want to take it further but can’t because we were both in a relationship and didn’t want to hurt our partners. He’d never cheated before either and always vowed we wouldn’t so we agreed it would never happen.

Anyway one day we were talking and he just kissed me. A lot. Then we both went back to our partners and agreed it can’t happen again. The chemistry was just becoming unbearable. Eventually, we took it to the next level and slept together. We were both completely sober and knew exactly what we were doing. Then a couple of days later he tells me he’s riddled in guilt and can’t do it again which I agreed. I couldn’t live with the guilt so broke it off with my partner and have now moved out.

I cannot stop thinking about my colleague but nothing has happened since. I think it got too serious when we slept together and we both realised how awful we were. We’re still very close, and talk about everything, but don’t flirt as much now. He’s been so lovely to me when no one else has been through my breakup. He phoned me a couple of days ago just to make sure I was okay. He loves his girlfriend, and I certainly don’t want to split them up as she doesn’t deserve that, but at the same time it’s killing me how much I like him and want to be with him ALL the time. Has anyone had any similar experiences?? How do you deal with it??

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