I just discovered that my boyfriend of one and a half years has a secret Snapchat to buy content from trans women. There are videos of him masterbating as well as the exchange of vulgar and casual conversations. We have lived together the entirety of our relationship and after confronting him he admitted to doing this all while he is at work, he is a firefighter so he is gone for days at a time. He first claimed it to “not be cheating” because he has never touched them, which is for sure NOT how that works. He also claims that he was embarrassed to talk about being submissive because since the beginning he has always been the dominant when having sex.
He has always been shy when it has come to intimacy and I am not one to pressure someone in doing what makes them uncomfortable. I figured he’d just come around when he was ready to explore. He revealed to me he liked butt play in the beginning of our relationship which I was all for it but he would always be hit or miss when I tried to do it. I am a highly sexual person but since being with him I’ve felt I needed to tone it down but now knowing he has been going behind my back to satisfy his so called “addiction” I feel pathetic. He claims that he has struggled with coming to terms with this so called “addiction” for some time now but I feel as if that is just an excuse. He also claims that it is fantasy which is a pretty text book response for someone getting caught red handed. To say how I feel is absolutely impossible to be written or described. I don’t want to even look at my own body let alone have him look and/or touch me right now. I feel so betrayed because of the lying, cheating, and the fact he clearly does not feel comfortable in confiding in me. I'm so open with him all the time but I don't know how to look past the lying and cheating. He says I’m his one and only and wants to continue to build a life with me and at some point he was going to come clean and ask for help but how am I suppose to just believe what comes out of his mouth after that? He is willing to do whatever it takes to make things right but is there some sort of justifiable truth in all of this or is he just in love with the idea of me?
After reading the conversations on his Snapchat I just feel a pain that makes me feel worthless in our relationship. I would never even for the slightest second think about staying with someone who has cheated on me but he is the other half to my whole and I want so badly to believe what he is telling me now, now that it is all out in the open but my biggest thing is what if he starts doing it again? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. If anyone has advice or support I’d appreciate it.