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Alone, feeling sick after discovering porn issue

I am actually in shock that im writing this.

My partner has an issue with porn. When we first got together he watched so much porn he couldn’t perform. This had a huge impact on my confidence and that never really repaired… We had a huge conversation about it and as a psychologist I gave him space to be open and honest while also sharing with him it hurt me as I already felt he didn’t fancy or wasn’t attracted to me sexually.

Fast forward 2 years a trip around the globe, and settling down with a dog late and after giving him the space to discuss what he likes sexually and thinking we’ve gotten to a place we’re both sexually satisfied … but still checking in to see how he’s doing with his addiction and being told it’s at bay etc… I have just come home to spend evening with his father who is living with us… to find he’s gone on a night out which I was excited for him about to find a t lady boy escort in his history… I feel so sick. I told him the trust is broken as I have trust issues do to my father…. Expecting he would come home from his night out as he knows this was the last straw ….

And he has not come home. My psychologist head tells me it’s him subconsciously wanting it to be over … looking at the history it’s the first time in a very long time, and what point will boys or men be men and we have to accept porn is a thing….and at what cost.. I used to dress and act sexy with other men and with this man who I believed I’d settle down with I have no room to be my sexual self…because he seems disinterested in me.. and as if I am a beard. Just packed a bag and deciding to I go.. before he gets home

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