Four years ago I started a relationship with a man outside of my marriage. We have been totally committed to each other even when he moved overseas with his work. It has always been a very intense and caring relationship and we were working towards being together. I recently left my marriage as we are part of the long term plan and at the same time he was moved again with his work to the other side of the world. Now he says that, while he loves me and cares for me deeply, he needs me to let him go so he can move on and find someone who he can share his life with now, not in the future. He claims the last 18 months of being apart have devastated him and he can’t do it for another three years. I’m having difficulty seeing his reasoning given how he says he feels about me and how I feel about him. We can continue to see each other frequently (I cannot move with him as I have two kids) and in another few years we could be together permanently as planned. I feel like I have given up so much to make this relationship work based on the commitment we continually made to each other over the years. There was no sign that he was intending to leave.

I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years and we have a good, loving relationship. Up until about 7-8 months ago we have had a good sex life but things have been changing. We kiss and cuddle and hold hands when we are out and about but whenever I try to be a bit more intimate I get a brush off comment like, "I thought you were going to sleep" or, "That's enough kissing, I'm tired". In fact most of the time she will just turn away in a way that I can't stroke her skin or kiss her neck. This is making me feel awful and is now adding to the problems because whenever I get that rejection, which is now all of the time, I don't even want to cuddle her or be close because it makes me feel unhappy. I don't feel any connection and feel as though she doesn't realise how hurtful it is to me. I realise that my reaction is probably not good either as it is making the situation worse. However I have tried to talk about it and explain how she is making me feel. Every time we have a conversation about it we argue and cry and seem to make up and everything is fine. But in fact it isn't. Nothing changes. Things that she has mentioned to me are: She feels ugly and fat, she doesn't get turned on by me anymore and that I don't realise that the foreplay starts hours before going to bed. All these things are difficult for me to hear because it makes me upset about how she feels and also is a massive kick in the stomach for me. However I'm a grownup and can accept the criticism. I am always telling her how beautiful she looks and how pretty her face and hair are and that I love her very much. As for the comments about me, well, I suppose recently over that last couple of months the romance has not been superb but I still cook for her, clean the house and try to sort out the things that she has been struggling to catch up on recently like ironing, banking, cleaning her car etc... With regards to romance, i think deep down I am starting to give up. I used to always buy flowers, take her out to the theatre, go for an impromptu dinner, cook a nice candle-lit dinner at home and things like that. But now I cant really be bothered. I know making love after a date is not the be-all and end-all but isn't that all part of the romance? The stresses on are relationship are: She is off to Afghanistan for 3 months in January!  She is short of money. She is working every hour that God sends. She is upset about her weight (and she isn't overweight). She was emailing a work colleague last January with quite flirty intimate chat. She left her emails open one day and I noticed the emails. She said that she was going through a difficult time and was doubting our relationship. They nearly kissed but nothing else happened and she loved me very much. I am facing a possible redundancy. Money is a little tight but OK! I get annoyed when she spends all day at work then comes home to spend most of the night on facebook or checking her work emails. She gets home from work at about 8pm every night which is driving me bonkers. I am going to stop writing now because I am getting upset and this is a long post anyway so most people probably wont read it all anyway. I hope everyone else is well though. X

My boyfriend of nearly 8 years told me on new years eve that he doesn't think that things are working and he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore - he says he still loves me more than anything but more like a best friend, although claims that he still fancies me but he feels that we have grown apart and the spark is no longer there. He says he is so confused as he does not know what to do, he has felt this way for a while and hoped the feeling would go away and has tried to sort his head out but it has not worked, he doesn't want to say it's over so he asked me for 2 weeks of space so he can get his head together and is saying that if he still feels the same way then he will know for sure that it is over and if he misses me then will know that there is something still there and we can take things from there. We have lived together for a year (only weeks ago he had told me how great things have been since we moved in together!!) so my life has totally been turned upside down, he has gone to his parents and said i could stay at home but i cannot face being there alone so am staying at my mum's. I did not see it coming, yes the past month he has been grumpy and i agree that we have drifted apart, but we were not arguing so i never thought that things were that bad, he had hinted he was going to propose this year. The reason i feel we have drifted apart is because we no longer do anything together as I think we took each other for granted that we live together so seeing each other every day at home was enough - we stopped making an effort, going on dates, having fun we just used to sit at home watching TV or he would go out with his friends/go to football/rugby. i see now that we need to make more of an effort, go out together, get the fun back but all he keeps saying is that he doesn't know as what if it doesn't change things what do we do then - i can't understand why he can even think of just walking away without trying, not when we have been so happy in the past? He is a very caring person and a big softy, kissing and cuddling me, always telling me he loves me (he was even telling me that this time last week!). In fact people have always been jealous at how close we are/were which is why i cannot get my head round:a) How he can think of walking away.b) Why his life would be better off without me as he has plenty of freedom to see his mates and do what he wants now. I don't know what to do for the best, i have packed up my half of the flat but now don't know if that was wise - will he be relieved or would it make him think 'oh no what have i done?' - I texted him to explain, saying that if he did decide to try again that i felt we shouldn't go back to living together until it felt right. I am trying sooooo hard not to contact him too much as it is space he has asked for but i was thinking of sending him a letter - what do you advise? Another idea i had was - He is a big football fan and in 8 years i have never been to a match with him so i was thinking of buying 2 away tickets and booking a hotel; i want this to show that i want to share in his interests and for us to get away and have some fun? would this be a good idea? i thought he would appreciate this more than flowers. Any help/suggestions would be great.

I've caught my boyfriend of five months on multiple occasions masturbating in bed right next to me. I get very offended and angry because I would much rather have him wake me up to take care of it. I've told him this. He always denies it completely and makes it sound like I'm delusional for even thinking that he would do such a thing. I feel like he switched it to make me the bad person so he doesn't feel guilty. I'm just not sure what to do about it.

Tomorrow is our 25th anniversary. Actually, it is now 1:30am so TODAY is our anniversary. Over a year ago I began talking to my husband about what we might do to celebrate it; have a party, go away alone together, take a special trip, a big gift, etc. Over the past year I've brought it up a few times. A month ago I tried several times to get him to have a serious discussion about plans, have both of us participate and make some progress. I bring it up, he says, "Oh, yeah, hmmm, I don't know, what do you think...." and then we get distracted or I just give up trying to involve him. Finally, I said, "Our 25th Anniversary is in a week and I don't want to spend the day alone, doing nothing and feeling sad." I clearly expressed my desire for to communicate and together plan what we'd do for it and I didn't want to be the only one bringing it up and doing the planning. I spent lots of time online looking into trips -- or even just an overnight in a hotel in our town. I emailed some ideas. Then I came down with a bad sinus infection and have been very sick for the past week. I gave up planning. A few days ago he said, "I made reservations for dinner at Franco's (a very nice restaurant)." He didn't ask if that's what WE'D like -- he just decided that's what we're going to do. I appreciate that he made the reservation but we often go out to dinner for a birthday or anniversary -- I really wanted to do something special for our 25th. Yesterday was a national holiday -- so he had the day off. At dinner last night I asked him if he was thinking of taking the day off of work. For what, he asked me. For our anniversary, I said. He acted like I had just gone too far and was upset that I "expected" that. Actually, his reaction upset me more than his having to work -- like I was being a ball and chain, expecting something ridiculous. He left the dinner table and walked around the house, slammed the front door hard and when he came back he was close to tears. He said he's tried to do everything he could think of to make me happy, take care of me, especially while I've been sick (I have a chronic illness plus frequent sinus infections, colds, etc.) but he was exhausted. He said he doesn't feel he can make any plans for us because I might be sick or my elderly mother might need some help. He's been -- and always is -- very helpful, asking me if he can get anything for me, making a special trip to the store to buy me Fritos (which I crave when I'm sick, for some reason), etc. Generally, he is very "service" oriented. If I want something he will usually do it/get it/buy it. (Not luxuries or whims--but he makes dinner every night (he likes to cook), he often brings me coffee in the am or he'll make me an ice cream sundae for dessert, etc.). I wouldn't say he spoils me but he is very solicitous. But for the rest of the evening he'll disappear until he goes to bed. I feel like we spend very little one-to-one time with each other. His excuse of not making plans because I'm always sick made me feel worse because I know my illness limits him. Anytime I am angry or disappointed with him I find myself thinking how ungrateful I am because of all he does for me. Then I get into war within myself: yes, he does this and that... but I do that and this! Can't I just be angry or sad or disappointed without weighing out whether I have a right to be or not? He's been a good provider but he's not been great in the gift/important occasion department. When I've received little or nothing from him for Christmas or Birthday, he has mentioned that he buys me presents all year long--meaning that I buy things for myself with money he's earned. (I've worked off and on but have mostly been a stay at home mom -- we have a daughter, and our son has Autism Spectrum Disorder.) Other forums I've read excuse men for forgetting or being otherwise lackluster in celebrating occasions. I don't buy it. I don't think it's any harder for men to remember or plan or shop. Am I being too unreasonable, too childish for being disappointed about, once again, having a lonely, unremarkable anniversary? I thought giving us a years notice and several reminders would assure us of a wonderful time celebrating 25 years. I didn't expect him to do anything on his own--I wanted to plan it together. But I was NOT going to plan it all on my own--especially not knowing his work/vacation schedule or how much money we wanted to spend. We love each other, there's no doubt. We get along very well most of the time. We have fun and laugh together. We think alike in almost every way. However, we never have sex. There's no hot attraction between us--and really never has been. I feel embarrassed about my 58 year old, 10 lbs overweight, untoned body. He does nothing to make me feel sexy or attractive -- he can't even fake that he's insanely attracted to me. Sometimes I feel like a buddy more than a woman -- his sexy wife. I find myself wishing he was more like other men--more aggressive (in ALL ways), more masculine (not that he seems effeminate), less passive, timid, insecure, afraid to make any waves or take a stand. He never, ever brings up something that bothers him about me, our relationship, something we should work on, what he wants but is missing between us... I wish he would participate in our marriage, have more than a lukewarm non-reaction to everything. Sometimes I wonder if I've married a wonderful, kind and caring man, but not the right kind and caring man for me -- the one who lights my fire and the one who'd fight for and protect me. Sometimes I feel like I'm the protector/defender in the family. Other times--most of the time -- I can't believe how lucky I am. I feel like I need a reality check. A group of unbiased people who can tell me if I'm selfish and have expectations that are too high -- or maybe I need to move on?