My husband and I made the decision to separate late last year and have recently moved out. He has now needed to leave town for work. Our separation came at the end of a long relationship that began 14 years ago (at 16 and 25) and has putted along, not altogether unhappily but with discontent and basically living completely separate lives for the last 5 or so years. We have one child together who is intense behaviourally and he has not been supportive of my struggles with her, so I have worked part time and managed her as best I can while he has worked full.time and pursued his own interests and hobbies at leisure, never feeling that time at home or helping with our child should be prioritised. Last year it culminated in him travelling overseas several times alone and having a relationship there which has now ended. I see this as the catalyst for ending our relationship but not necessarily the whole reason - none of it would have happened if we were happy together. I don't feel as though we have ever been able.to bring out the best in each other. When he first wanted to separate, I was sad (mainly for our daughter) but worked through those feelings, developed peace with the situation and our need to separate and some months later (officially separated but still under the same roof) very tentatively began a new relationship. After this started he backflipped and said he wanted to be back together. He thinks that he is ready to change. The relationship has been up and down basically since the beginning and I honestly feel like the best thing for both of us would be to peacefully and amicably let it go and work on reconnecting him as a parent. I am ok with the whole thing - a little sad but also excited about rediscovering old hobbies, making new friends, starting a new job and seeing how my very cautious new relationship develops now I am living alone (well, with my daughter). He is not emotionally expressive like me, is holding on to a lot of regret and sadness and is really struggling. I am really worried that he won't be ok on his own, and I still care about him deeply and this hurts me a lot. I guess what I want to know is: How do I know if we have made the right decision? Should I get back with him again, do heaps of counselling and really, really try to make it work (obviously ending the new relationship I have begun, which I would struggle with at this point) for his sake and for our daughter? My gut feeling is that if we did this we'd just be delaying the inevitable. If not, how do I help him move on from the relationship? We obviously are still communicating because of our daughter. And how do I go forth and be happy with someone new when I can't shake the feeling I've left a trail of heartbreak behind me? I know this is too long (and yet still so much is left out)! I don't really expect anyone to have the answers but any ideas or experiences would ve helpful. Thanks :)

What can I do? I'm upset and sad.

I got married at the age of 20. My partner and I were both in the military... today 13 years... but in that time we had much love, life and exceptional times together and always bad as well. I was pregnant on my wedding day, almost eight months. I lost my baby on my wedding day. It was so so unbearable. I felt as if my whole world was falling apart. My father didn't want to sign the marriage documents and I felt so down... also after I lost the baby I was laying in the hospital for almost a week and 3 to 4 days of that time I was holding my baby... counting and just crying... I felt there was no one there by me... after that I went home... A week later I fell sick, got a heart attack and blood clots in my lungs... I was in the ICU for almost a month under sedation with pipes in both my lungs... I cannot remember bits here and there... but my parents and my husband’s family didn't see eye to eye... (I was glad I was not awake). My father said that my husband was not there, but with his brother catching fish... he also couldn't stay by me the whole time in hospital... but I got through it... Later we moved and I got pregnant again. We have a girl and at that stage my husband took God into his life and everything was good. But I didn't feel like I belong with his family because of my moods and the way I handle things. I don’t keep my mouth shut and I say a thing as is...they didn't and do not like that... In the last 11 years I can actually count how many months on both my hands he brought money into the house... I was fine with that... until 2 years ago... August to be exact. I wrote down in a book my problems and I started to pray and asked God to please help me because I can’t take it anymore... I love him so much and I don’t wanna lose him... I did everything for him and made his life a blast... At stage he was one of that guys that love the whole threesome thing... I only found that out after we went out one night with friends we came home and they dropped us... after I walked away he ran and jumped into the car through the window and they drove off... I did not see or hear from they or him for about five months. Then I saw him again with her as well just as I thought because his reason was I was too jealous and a bit much... but then he asked if he can come back to me and stupid me said yes. So we went away for a weekend with the friends and that's where he just wanted another woman in our bed... as I thought to myself... I have to otherwise I will lose him again or he will look for it at another place... this was continuing for so so many years and every time this happened I was disgusted. I won’t disagree it was fun for the first maybe two times because it's new but I couldn't face them after that... because they were my friends... I can’t have any female friends or colleagues then he would ask me how about that one... even if I'm at work he would sms me and ask so did you do her yet... so would ask what where... he would say take her to the bathroom... OMG no way... but one weekend we had a braai and I asked my female colleague if she wanna join us for a braai... yes she wanted to try it that's the main reason that she came over... but I was devastated.. while we were busy I got up... I felt and saw the rejection. I sat on the toilet and I screamed stop stop get off... get out... the only person that got out was me... I was thrown out of my own room and the door was locked behind me while he wanted to finish her up... I have never broken down like that, that time. Later the door was opened, and she left to go home... that is where things got cold in me and I was broken... Later it was just braai and friends alcohol... any young person’s dream but we had a daughter and all of our friends was young and single. I enjoyed it all also to a point. Then there was the boys’ weekends and so on... on one weekend he came back and he made up a story about a scam that he is part of... at that stage I also locked into his phone to read his whatsapp because I suspected things... and yes I know not a lot of people believe it but a woman’s sixth sense is always right... it turns out he started to chat to a girl on FB and he even send her pictures of his private parts... and I was furious he lied to me... so I called and it was scam artists that wanted money and said that they will ruin his life and hurt his family... I sorted the problem out and it was soon over... After that I again had trust issues... because how many times has this happened? At my daughter's school I was part of the organization that arranged the events every weekend... one day I couldn't attend so my husband stood in for me. That morning I spoke to him and about 11 he was driving and I asked what he's up to and he said he's going to drop off a girl... I asked and he said it's a parent at the school’s child. Later just to find out that the mother of that child and he started to chat and send pics and so on to each other on the first day... sex talk and all in just three days... I caught him and I confronted him and he said it's not true so I showed him the messages and he still denied it... I even called her and she put the phone down in my ear and blocked me. After that I was more fold and broken... I felt so alone... no friends and no family close to me... I was not allowed to go out with girls after work for a drink or a chat... even over weekend... oh no not me... anyway... About 3 years ago my father got sick... with no money I scraped together out of the blue even a couple of cents I rushed to the airport to buy a ticket to go home... all the way I was crying after three airlines I got a flight... the lady that helped me was pregnant as well and she ran with me to the gate to make sure I could board the flight... On the plane I was crying non stop... got that side... took the bakkie, chased to my father... got there and spend time with him... that stage I asked my husband to please come as well and he said he couldn't... I was so upset... I was there for about a week... the night that they told us that he is not going to make it I called my husband and, guess what, he was at another woman’s house. After numerous calls, I asked one of my friends to go and check because my vehicle has a tracker in it... which he didn't know... and there he was with another woman... don’t know what happened there but he still denies it. But anyway my father passed away... Just to find out that my family do not have funeral plans in place... but I did... I paid my father's funeral... got in a fight with my brothers where they physically abused me the night before the funeral I filmed into my car and I drove back to the airport... I couldn't even attend my father's funeral... I was dead inside of pain... got home... no comfort from my husband or his family... I felt so lost alone and unworthy... At this time he also started to play online gaming every single second of the day and night... and, no I'm not exaggerating, this is true. Once his eyes open until 2/3 in the morning... I couldn't deal... he said that he was in a dark hole...lies overflow... no work no money coming in... he keeps on asking his mom for money... he is a real mommyboy... Later not last year the year before I met one of his friends and we just clicked... we saw each other after the men came back from a boys weekend... didn't notice it was him but he did notice me... we saw each other again at one of our friend’s weddings a few weeks later and I just couldn't believe that we clicked... but we were just friends... later we started as married couples to braai and all and have fun... last year Jan we were at a braai at their house where my husband started to cry. His wife and I were shocked... he even said that I must join... I just said no... I couldn't... but later me and Matt clicked and we started to send messages to each other... asking what happened and I just couldn't get him out of my mind and he was totally gaga over me... also just to find out that he and his wife is also having problems... they were divorced last year in June... I also told my husband 16 Feb last year I want to separate... after a big fight that evening where we got physical... but still I'm here... me and Matt started to chat over emails messages meetings and all... but we never had sex together... he said that he is not that type and I respected that.. because I'm also not like that... everything was amazing I met his family and it bloomed... but still I'm not divorced... because I feel like I will be judged and what will people think about me... He gave his life to God again last year when I told him I wanted to separate... I asked him why now... he stopped his games he started to look for work, and I just couldn't... I was done... he declared that he is fully devoted to me, he cried, he pleaded, and I just couldn't... after a while I told him again I still wanna separate. He kept on asking why... as I explained that I grew cold... I’m not in this anymore... and that I have feeling for someone else... omg... wrong move... because he just couldn't wait to call all of our friends his and my family and even the church people that I'm leaving him for another man... which I told him is not true. A couple of months ago things started to chat ge again... he is back on his online gaming, not working... he sold my car... used the money... we had to stay with his mom and aunt. I just couldn't deal because I was the lowest person in their eyes... every family gathering there was always a fight and it is always me against them... and he never stood up for me... then I saw chats were his family was talking about taking my child... I was furious... I can’t have more children now, they wanna take away my miracle baby... she was born on 26 weeks at 189g... she is my everything... Now about three days ago I got a message from Matt to say that he does not feel comfortable for me and him seeing each other behind my husband's back and because I'm married... I was heartbroken.... I don’t know what to do... I want to k now why now... after almost a year and two months now you feel guilty... he is not that type... please I need advice... I can’t anymore...

Ok...me and my significant other have been together nearly 5 years we don't do shit together don't sleep together barely have sex always argue there's no happiness anymore my daughter's adore him but I want to leave what should I do

I’ve been in a relationship for around eight years. I love my partner but for the last six months or so I haven’t felt like I’m in love with her – we just feel like housemates. Our sex life has dropped right off, we just aren’t as intimate in general any more, and when we are it’s planned. There’s no spontaneity. That thing has just gone. We don’t really fight but when we do I always find it’s me trying to end the fights. I love her but definitely feel like I’m not in love with her anymore. There’s a girl I work with that I really hit it off with as soon as we met. Nothing was said for ages but you could cut the tension with a knife. Since then we have started talking a lot and really developed feelings for each and spoken about it. It’s made me really think that my current relationship is definitely over but I’m so confused. I’ve told my partner that I think I want to leave and that I’m not in love with her. Then got sad sitting around at home alone and we decided to work on things. The girl at work and I decided to cut things off until I work my things out and now I feel like I’m going through two breakups at once. I’m so confused, upset and anxious about everything and don’t know what to do. I feel like my relationship is definitely done but I’m so scared to end it. What if I’m making the wrong decision and blinded by love for someone else? Any advice please.