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My husband of 15 years left me two months ago. Our relationship hasn’t been great and bad the last two months prior to him leaving. I love him so very much and want him back. Should I just give up? He keeps telling me he’s moved on and accepted we are over but gets jealous if I go out and wants to know who I am with. We have two children who are struggling to cope with their father home. I just want to try and fix this mess and get him back.

Ask the community | breakups, big changes

The leaver and the left

Article | breakups, big changes

“How do I leave him?”

I've been in a relationship with a borderline alcoholic with a narcissistic personality for about three and a half years. We live together but spent the last month apart. I went to stay with my mum with my two cats and left him the flat. His drinking has become a huge problem and a year ago I received a serious health diagnosis which I've been trying to come to terms with. The main problem is that he is more interested in going to the pub with his mates than helping me cope with all this. It got to a point where he was coming back late at night completed drunk, waking me up or making me wait up before I could cook dinner for us because he hadn't phoned to let me know he was going to be home late, tripping over the cats and being a general nuisance. My health condition was brought on by extreme stress and he is only adding to that. If I am suddenly ill and have to go to hospital, I can't rely on him to be able to care for me or even be sober enough to call for an ambulance. I'm back temporarily but I asked him to still give me my space. That includes sleeping in separate rooms. So far I've been packing my things down into boxes because I don't want to/can't afford to live in our flat anymore. I want to move back to my home town, which he has known about for a long time because I told him before our break. What I'm finding now is that he's not actually respecting my boundaries and is now actively looking for flats in my home town for both of us to live in. What he's not understood is the fact I don't want to be with him at all and I want to move on my own. I'm trying really hard to not disrupt the peace in our flat at the moment as it just creates a volatile environment for not only me but the cats too. I've considered just taking a day off work when I know he won't be at home and just moving all my stuff out. After that I'd tell him it was over when he can't do anything to stop me. Has anyone got any advice?

Ask the community | breakups, big changes

“Ugly divorce”

I'm 35 years old and currently in the first stage of divorcing after recently deciding that my relationship of 13 years (seven years married) had to end. In the last three to four years my wife and me really grew apart and have started living separate lives. Whereas we were able to have good conversations in the past, this has been completely absent in the last years – years where personally I needed to be understood by my partner as I was facing a lot of stress due to work and an international transfer. At the same point in time we got our first child together which obviously added to the stress levels, and changed the way we were around each other. I have tried many times to tell her that I was missing attention from her, even though I eventually (this took me 6-12 months after birth) understood that the dynamics of our relationship had changed due to the introduction of our daughter. Unfortunately things did not improve at all, and we got into more and more fights (with words only, never any physical action), which led me to take more distance from her at the end of last year. This increased distance opened the door for me to make a mistake I had never thought I would make, I had an affair for a good three months. The affair has now ended, as we had started to seriously talk about us in the last few month. A process in which I confessed to her that I had an affair, and that my reason of initiating it was that I had already given up on our relationship. In this period we spoke a lot about the feelings we experienced in the last few years, and tried our best to have more time just for us. (so arranging childcare to be alone together). But even though talking about everything felt good and helped to relieve built up stress, it did not help me to get back some of the feelings I had for her. In the entire period I had very sparse moments where I felt there was an opportunity to move on, versus the vast majority of the time feeling it had to end. Two weeks ago I took the decision of completely ending our relationship as I have no more feelings for my wife, and am unable to see us having a happy and good future together for the next 40 years. As we are too distant from each other and don't really have shared interests. This decision caused a massive change in her behavior towards me, and she hasn't spoken a normal word to me since. The few times I have tried to speak about things, this immediately (give or take 30 seconds) escalated into shouting from her side, even with our young daughter present. The only thing she will tell me is: speak to my lawyer. At present the situation at home can best be described as absolute hell, we completely ignore each other and can't even be in the same room without her starting to be hostile. Therefore I have started to move out to a room in the neighborhood, hoping that more time apart might help to settle things down, whilst still being close enough to be able to assist with anything if required. I want the best for our daughter in the future and feel we need to make good arrangements about everything in order to accommodate her as good as we can. But I really struggle with my wife's behaviour as this makes it impossible to discuss potential arrangements in good fashion. Probably I need to give her more time to calm down, but she want to rush things and get divorced asap to get rid of me. What are my options here?

Ask the community | breakups, big changes

“Long distance issues”

Hi there.. so I’m a 20 year old girl and i have been talking to a guy online for about 3-4 years. We had an on-&-off “virtual” relationship until we decided to finally meet last year. It only lasted a week but it seemed so perfect for both of us. Now I should probably mention that my boyfriend is an FTM transgender and is struggling with depression, anxiety etc. and he also has a very unstable living situation. I am supposed to travel to see him tomorrow (after 3 months being apart), but a week ago he asked me if we could “go on a break”. He said the relationship makes him sad because I can’t be there with him. He said he doesn’t want to break up with me and that he still wants me to visit, but he wants to be “on a break.” Now i am severely confused. I understand that he is struggling and i want to support him, but i am really scared of what’s going to happen when I go there. I don’t want to have travelled so far and then have to stay away from him while I’m there because of this break, when we are finally together after so long? I have never loved someone this much before and I’m scared I’ll get my heart broken again. I already fell apart when he asked for the break.. he told me everything would be fine and he doesn’t want this to go on for long and that he just needs some time but am I wrong to be worrying so much about this? I’m just really scared I’ll lose him.

User article | breakups, big changes, long distance, LGBTQ+

“Fiance wants to break up over strip clubs”

Please help me make sense of this. I am a 33-year-old lady. I am doing well for myself. I have been dating this guy for about a year now. He calls me his wife material and yes, we are talking about marriage. But I discovered something about him like four months into our dating, and that has been an issue for me. My boyfriend likes to go to the club, especially strip clubs every weekend.I find it a very bad habit but he says its just to chill out. That he does not mess with the girls at the club. He has invited me to come with him to the club but I declined. Last week, he organized a romantic proposal for me at a five-star hotel. It was the best, it was so beautiful. But I declined the proposal even though I accepted the ring. I told him I would only marry him on the condition that he stops going to strip clubs. He said that is not possible, that no one can tell him what to do or what not to do. He said if I am not comfortable with his lifestyle, I should forget about him. Now, I am thinking, should I break up with him or leave him to his bad habit. Apart from the strip club, this guy has been very good to me. What do you suggest I do?

User article | breakups, big changes, pornography

“Caught between husband and daughter”

Hi I just want to know if I'm thinking right about all this. To cut a long story short, my daughter (16) and husband are totally at odds with each other. I love my daughter to bits but she has always been a handful. Truckloads of attitude, very highly strung, always right etc! She can also be very rude and disrespectful. I also love my husband but he does tend to be a very negative person, struggles to see the good in people / situations , and he also is very sensitive ie. Takes everything very personally. He can also be very antagonistic and quick to anger and tends to drop hints and be sarcastic rather than say straight out what his problem is. He is also quite an anxious person and seems to automatically think the worst all the time and worry unnecessarily. It used to drive me nuts but I've gotten used to it and try and ignore it now if I can. He has many good points which I prefer to concentrate on. However it drives my daughter mad. He is a great provider and is never violent but sometimes I find it hard to get close to him because of the negativity. He also doesn't take a whole lot of interest in the kids or their lives. Seems to notice every bad thing they do but rarely praises. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. But what upset me more is his reaction. In my opinion, he acts just as bad, threatening to leave, saying he isn't going to stay in a house where he is hated etc. I've tried to suggest that they talk to each other but that never goes well as neither of them ever admit they are wrong. I think they both are. My daughter is a hormonal, strong minded, determined teenager. As far as my husband is concerned, sometimes I feel like I am dealing with 2 teenagers ! I can see both points of view but whose side do I take here? I feel like the meat in the sandwich ! The constant enmity between them is really getting me down. I don't feel like I should have to choose between them but that is how I feel a lot of the time. Am I thinking right here? So confused and depressed. I just want to have a happy, functional family.

User article | arguments, despair, control, parenting

Unhappy but scared of being alone

Article | breakups

“I dumped my girlfriend and I miss her”

This probably sounds weird. 3 weeks ago I split up with her. At the time I was so sure about splitting up and the reasons behind it. Her behaviour was controlling toward me. Using her past against me. Example: I shouted whilst we were arguing. She left the room. Came back a few hours later and told me because she was in an abusive relationship she felt she had to leave. She speaks down to me which i really hated. Always got to win the argument even to the point of screaming and shouting at me and saying i made her feel bad. I was miserable in the relationship for the last year or so. But felt that I couldn't break it off with her. I did try to talk to her but she always seen it as me being critical of her. I felt as though I couldn't do anything good. But I miss her really badly. I just don't know what to do.

Ask the community | breakups

“In a relationship but I have a crush”

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a little over a year. We have a lot in common and a lot of history. We did a lot together and are really close. He's very sweet and has an incredibly kind heart, and I did love him but he also has a ged and doesn't want to go to college whereas I want to be a pilot in the airforce. But now I'm in college and things feel different between us. At first he was a bit controlling and whiny. I would be busy and didn't always call or text back right away (and it's only been a few days). He's ready to come down and move in and start a life but. I don't know if I am, I don't know what I want. He's clingy and telling me that he would never date if I ever leave and everything. And now here's the thing... I met this guy on campus who is smart and fun and funny and even shows interest in me. He also shares a passion for flying. I just honestly don't what to do. I feel like of I have a boyfriend I shouldn't be feeling for someone else. And I also don't know if me and my boyfriend are in a healthy relationship. I want to do what's best for me in the long road. I don't want to end things with my boyfriend if we can make things work but I don't want to stick around if I'm not in a good relationship and he's not good for me. I don't want to leave someone for somebody else because that's not who I am. I honestly don't know what to do.

User article | crush, control

“Separation after 23 years”

My husband of 23 years has moved home to his parents' house. He’s angry at me because I haven’t contributed financially to the home and bills. When he first left he said, show me some small income and I’ll come home. Now he’s talking divorces. I have a small child to look after. Why is he so angry?

User article | breakups, divorce, finance

If trust was broken by a previous partner

Article | breakups, trust, YPc

I want out

Ok...me and my significant other have been together nearly 5 years we don't do shit together don't sleep together barely have sex always argue there's no happiness anymore my daughter's adore him but I want to leave what should I do

User article | breakups

“I lied and now he can’t trust me”

When I first met my boyfriend seven months ago, I was still in some contact with two guys that I hooked up with, both of which I had to see due to work related obligations. I told him that I had blocked the one guy on everything, and later on he had seen that guy in my snapchat. He knew I was lying, and had confronted me on it. I ended up telling him that I had been receiving snapchats from him, they were meaningless pictures of his dog, and that was it. He didn’t believe me and thought there was still something going on, and I understand why. I was still friends with the second guy I had hooked up with, and he questioned me about him and I told him that he was just my friend and nothing had happened which was obviously a lie. I ended up telling him I had hooked up with him, and then deleted both of them on my social media/snapchat. I ended up telling him later on after he had to dig to find out that the second guy I still had to be in contact with due to work related obligations. He already knew this about the first guy. I lied to him initially about the first guy because I just made a stupid mistake, and once I saw how intense his reactions were to finding this out, I was scared to admit to any of the other lies I had told him in the past. His reactions were warranted because I caused this, but they were explosive and scared me. This still isn’t a good excuse to lie, however that’s how I felt. Now he cannot trust me on anything, and I understand why, and is to the point where he is coming up with the idea, and is firmly believing that I cheated on him when I didn’t. I never did anything remotely close to that, but he thinks I'm lying. We had a big fight recently, and I told him I had ordered chinese at work. He misheard me and thought I said “we” ordered chinese and firmly believes that I ordered chinese with someone else. I showed him proof of the transaction in my bank history, and it was a $10 bill which is about how much one person would spend on chinese. I provided him a record of the phone call I made to order the food, and he is claiming that someone must have taken the leftovers, even though I said I threw them out because I don’t eat leftovers and he knows this. He is ready to end things with me, and I understand why but obviously don’t want this to happen and want to prove to him that he can trust me. An instance that has come up where he need to know something involving another male, I told him about immediately after fully expecting an explosive reaction but he had a great one. I have tried very hard for the past three months to show him that he can trust me, and every and any opportunity I have I give him to prove to him. He can see my location, go through my phone, knows my schedule, I don’t have any forms of social media anymore, he has access to every single thing of mine. I understand why he doesn’t trust me, but I don’t want this relationship to end because I love him more than anything and I want to fix this and show him, and continue to show him, that he can trust me. Any words of advice on building trust and trying to get him to see clearly with this whole chinese food thing? I can explain more in the comments if anybody has questions.

User article | trust, control, emotional abuse

“Falling for someone else”

I’ve been in a relationship for around eight years. I love my partner but for the last six months or so I haven’t felt like I’m in love with her – we just feel like housemates. Our sex life has dropped right off, we just aren’t as intimate in general any more, and when we are it’s planned. There’s no spontaneity. That thing has just gone. We don’t really fight but when we do I always find it’s me trying to end the fights. I love her but definitely feel like I’m not in love with her anymore. There’s a girl I work with that I really hit it off with as soon as we met. Nothing was said for ages but you could cut the tension with a knife. Since then we have started talking a lot and really developed feelings for each and spoken about it. It’s made me really think that my current relationship is definitely over but I’m so confused. I’ve told my partner that I think I want to leave and that I’m not in love with her. Then got sad sitting around at home alone and we decided to work on things. The girl at work and I decided to cut things off until I work my things out and now I feel like I’m going through two breakups at once. I’m so confused, upset and anxious about everything and don’t know what to do. I feel like my relationship is definitely done but I’m so scared to end it. What if I’m making the wrong decision and blinded by love for someone else? Any advice please.

User article | breakups, emotional affair

“She dumped me but I like her so much”

I have been seeing a girl for a couple of months and the relationship started off rocky. She spent a couple of days at mine, I spent a couple at hers. We had full-on weekends a few times and we already went on holidays together. She has to move abroad for work and unfortunately I cannot follow her. This is where the relationship started to get bad. Because of the move, she has a lot things going on. The plan was for me to come to visit her twice a month and then eventually follow her. However she preferred to end the relationship yesterday. She cannot cope with the move and the commute to come to my place. I have been feeling very sad and beat down since yesterday. I struggle to come to terms with the fact she's leaving me.

Ask the community | breakups, long distance

Separating from a pregnant partner

If you and the mother of your child have separated, you might be worried about what time you’ll get to spend with your child. If the relationship between you and your ex is volatile, you might not be able to hold a conversation long enough to discuss joint childcare arrangements. Why do I feel scared about this? There a few reasons you might feel this way: If you’ve recently separated, emotions will be running high and everything can be quite intense. It’s common to be overwhelmed, and this could be affecting your worldview. You may have heard stories of other dads not getting the chance to play a part in their children’s lives after a separation. 13% of non-resident fathers say they have no contact and never see their child [1], and this is a frightening statistic for expectant dads contemplating a separation. You might worry that you don’t have as many legal rights as your partner, or that they will move on with someone new who could take on a parenting role with your child. How can I help the situation? If your partner is angry and doesn’t want anything to do with you, first let the dust settle. Give her with space, and respect the decisions she makes for your child. The law will always favour your child’s needs, so the best thing you can do is demonstrate that you will be a positive influence in your child’s life. When the time is right, you could talk with her about doing a parenting plan, to make decisions and plans while focusing on the best arrangements for the baby. Research suggests that even though regular face-to-face meetings are most ideal, frequent contact by phone or email can make up for distance from your child [2]. Although this kind of contact may not be ideal, it should enable you to maintain your parent-child bond. This is particularly good news if you live in a different location to your partner and your child. If your partner ends up blocking you from seeing your child, then you may need to go down the legal route. While the courts recognise the importance of the mother in the very early years, there is no gender bias. Researchers from the University of Warwick found that fathers applying for child contact had been “overwhelmingly successful” and that dads fared just as well as mums when making contact applications [3]. References [1] Eloise Poole. (2013). What do we know about non-resident fathers? Retrieved from Modern Fatherhood: www.modernfatherhood.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Briefing-paper-Non-resident-fathers.pdf [2] McGene, J. and King, V. (2012) Implications of New Marriages and Children for Coparenting in Nonresident Father Families. Journal of Family Issues, 33(12), 1619–41. [3] Warwick University (2015). Study finds English and Welsh family courts not discriminating against fathers. Retrieved from: http://www2.warwick.ac.uk/newsandevents/pressreleases/study_finds_english/

Article | breakups, contact

“Is my husband controlling?”

I have been reading a book on controlling partners and there have been clear signs that he is controlling, but even though I am more aware of his behavior, I am having a hard time distinguishing what is controlling and what isn't for the day to day stuff. I will give a few examples of what has happened in the last few weeks: 1- My husband and I want to lose weight and eat healthier. I started to cut up fruit and veggies and I made him a smoothie each day for a week. He has mostly boiled eggs and peeled them. One evening he reminded me that I hadn't made a smoothie for him yet, and I said that I need to show him how to make one. He turned to me and said "oh, I knew that was coming" - implying that I would not be making his smoothies for the long haul. I quickly replied that I was just kidding and got up and made him his lunch for the next day. 2-The other day I was cleaning the house. The last few months I have not been cleaning at all and our house is a disaster. With spring coming, I put in a good 5 hours doing laundry, wiping down the kitchen, dusting and cleaning the entry way. Our entry way was pretty grungy so I decided to wipe down everything including the window blinds. I removed the blinds and took them to the bathroom and quickly cleaned them (about 15 minutes). Later that evening, I was explaining how easy it was to clean the blinds and my husband got frustrated with me and asked me "I don't want to start a fight, but that was the most important thing to clean at this time?" I had to justify that yes it was because of the dust on the blinds, and that it would benefit us later and that I didn't take a long time on them." He dropped the discussion, but I felt criticized. 3- The other night, he asked for a glass of water...well actually he said "you should get up and get me a glass of water." I told him that he could get up, and he looked at me and said (I think jokingly) I could get up as well and get him water. I stood my ground and didn't move, but neither did he...

User article | arguments, despair, control