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An affair and a boyfriend

I have been having an emotional and sexual affair for almost 4 years with a now ex colleague. When we first met I was engaged. He is married with two kids and we became best friends and lovers. We always spoke about our future, getting married and starting a family together he is 13 years my senior.

I broke off my engagement in August 2019 and the affair became problematic during the pandemic/social distancing/self-isolating (his son has a life changing illness). He was then made redundant from our place of work, yet I’ve kept my job.

The distance between became more and more due to not being able to see each other – I backed off whilst he continued to contact me.

I started seeing someone new as a distraction and as I thought it was fate bringing us together and ultimately saving me from this previous situation.

This person I’m seeing started off great – was open and honest and we could talk for hours (he lives 5.5 hours away from me). We started seeing each other more regularly and our time together was always fun however I’ve found myself projecting onto him. Mistrusting him and not being able to be 100% present with him because of my affair. I picked up on him smiling at his phone a lot and taking it to the bathroom with him. I do believe I am to blame for all of this – I was very guarded and he was very into me at first.

I recently told the man I was having an affair with that I’ve been seeing someone else and he’s told me how much of a fool he has been potentially losing me, how I am his best friend, soul mate and he wants us to have a future together. He has begged to come and see me so we can talk about either saying our goodbyes once or for all or discussing if we do have a future.

He has told me he is prepared to leave his wife, how she knows he doesn’t love her anymore and how she isn’t prepared to be with someone anymore who doesn’t love her. They have had problems before their kids were born and I know they do not have a happy marriage (this is external to the affair) however the kids have kept them together and his son’s illness.

I’m so confused whether I need to break away from this all or if it’s really meant to be. The married man said he would leave his wife this time last year but I told him not too, as I was seeing someone new but I was too cowardly to end it.

I’m worried I’ve self-sabotaged something that was meant to be, I’m worried that I’m making the wrong decision to not take a risk with him or that I’m taking a risk by not taking this opportunity with someone new.

Needless to say I’m completely lost and it a horrible state of mind.

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