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The magic ratio

John Gottman, a famous relationship researcher, found that couples have better relationships when their positive moments outweigh their negative moments.

For every negative moment between you and your partner, you need five positive moments to balance it out.

At the beginning of this section, we asked you to think about this Sliding Scale and identify where you and your partner might be.

  1. Arguing all the time – shouting, criticising, blaming, walking out.
  2. Arguing most of the time.
  3. Arguing sometimes and not really getting things sorted.
  4. Arguing but listening to each other and agreeing to differ.
  5. Getting on well and sorting out your difference.

Now you can begin to think about where you would like to be, and how you might get there. Here are some questions to get you started:

  • What would make it better for you?
  • What would make it better for your baby?
  • What would you be doing differently?
  • What was happening when things went well?

Now it’s time to set some goals. A goal can be a thing you want to happen, or a way you want to be. Goals are a good way to make sure you use the new skills you are learning.

How to set goals

What would you like to do differently?

You can set goals by going to your account and clicking on ‘Goals’.

Then you can either choose your own goal or pick one from our list:

  • Stay calm – count to 10 before I respond.
  • Listen to my partner without jumping in.
  • Try to see it from my partner’s point of view.
  • Notice when I criticise.
  • Take a break if I start getting angry.
  • Say two positive things to my partner every week.
  • The most important thing is to PRACTISE. Whatever goals you choose, try them out over the next few weeks. The more you practise, the better you will get.

The most important thing is to PRACTISE. Whatever goals you choose, try them out over the next few weeks. The more you practise, the better you will get. 

Well done!

You have reached the end of Session 3.

Please click through to the next page where there are a few more questions to finish.

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