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As part of this programme, we want to learn more about people’s relationships with their partners. Your feedback will help us improve this service so we can offer the best support to other couples like you, as they become parents. These questions should take about 10 minutes to complete, and there are no right or wrong answers. Thank you.  

Most couples argue from time to time – that’s a normal part of being parents. But the way you argue can make a big difference to your baby’s wellbeing. Did you know that your baby might feel upset and scared if you and your partner shout at each other a lot? All children do better when their parents get on with one another.

This video shows a baby at different stages of pregnancy. It shows how your growing baby gets to know during pregnancy, and becomes aware of what's happening outside the womb. It is helpful to learn how to have disagreements with your partner without getting angry or stressed, as this can affect your baby. You can't stop arguing completely, but there are some ways of arguing that are better for your baby, both during pregnancy and after they are born. This video shows a baby at different stages of pregnancy.   The quality of your relationship with your partner can affect your baby in a number of ways – now and in later life:  Problems in your relationship can affect your health in several ways:   

What difference do you think having a baby will make to your relationship with your partner? Having a baby is a big change for you both and it can be stressful at times. When you are tired, stressed and worried, it’s easy to take it out on each other. You might get irritable, and small niggles can quickly grow into big arguments. You might need some extra support, and it’s good to be able to plan for this as you saw in this video.  

Often, it's the little things that help you feel close. What does your partner do that makes you feel loved and cared for? Makes you a cup of tea. Kisses you goodbye. Says “I love you.” Gives you some time to yourself. Asks you about your day. Cleans the bathroom while you’re out. Texts you just to say something nice. Lets you choose what to watch on TV.  

The way you were brought up often influences what you think is important in bringing up your baby. In this video, parents talk about the lessons they learned from their own parents. Depending on how you were brought up, there might be things you want to make sure you do – or avoid doing – for your baby. What do you and your partner agree is important in bringing up your baby? Can you think of two things that might be important to you? This could be a big conversation between you and your partner and may tap into memories from you past. Try to bring it up at a time when you’re not feeling too stressed or tired, when you can talk about it sensitively. Now it’s time to set some goals. A goal can be a thing you want to happen, or a way you want to be. Goals are a good way to make sure you use the new skills you are learning. How to set goals What would you like to do differently? You can set goals by going to your account and clicking on ‘Goals’. Then you can either choose your own goal or pick one from our list: Make time for each other. When the going gets tough remember why we are together. Decide together who is going to do what. The most important thing is to PRACTISE. Whatever goals you choose, try them out over the next few weeks. The more you practise, the better you will get.  

Stress can come from different things: Big changes, like having a baby or moving to a new house. Daily hassles, like paying the bills or changing nappies. How often do you find yourself feeling stressed? A couple of times a week? Every day? We all have times in all our lives when we feel stressed. It’s helpful to know where stress comes from so that we can learn how to deal with it in a healthy way. You can think of stress as a balance. When you've got lots of ways of coping, it can be easy to deal with stress. But when the causes of stress outweigh your ways of coping, it can all feel like too much. What kinds of things can cause you stress? Which ways of coping do you tend to rely on? What sort of things can you do and what support do you have that help you to cope day to day? What happens when you feel overwhelmed by stress?  

Emotional support: This is when you show that you have understood. Practical support: This is when you offer ways of solving the problem. Emotional support is important because it shows your partner that you are there for them. Often, it’s better just to listen first without offering advice. Listen to your partner’s feelings. Show that you understand. Give them a confidence boost: “You can do it!” Stick together. Reassure them. This doesn’t mean that you can’t offer practical support at all, but you should try to offer emotional support first. This video shows you how this works. In the first version of the story, Liam only offers practical support. In the second version, we rewind and Liam offers emotional support first. Can you see the difference in the way Naomi reacts? Watch the next video for a breakdown of what's happening in each version.  

Think about how you might be able to use these skills in your life. Next time your partner comes to you with a problem, see if you can offer emotional support before you try to come up with solutions: Pay attention to how your partner is feeling. Ask questions to learn more about the problem. Listen, and show that you understand. Try to reassure your partner. Work out solutions together. Try setting a goal to offer emotional support in the goals feature.   

When you or your partner are stressed, try not to think of it as my stress or your stress. Instead, think of it as our stress – something for you to deal with together. This animation shows why it’s best to work together as a couple, even when only one of you is going through a hard time. You can see more videos about managing stress in your relationship here. Now it’s time to set some goals. A goal can be a thing you want to happen, or a way you want to be. Goals are a good way to make sure you use the new skills you are learning.   How to set goals What would you like to do differently? You can set goals by going to your account and clicking on ‘Goals’. Then you can either choose your own goal or pick one from our list: Make eye contact to show I understand. Comfort my partner when they are upset. Try to listen more. Ask my partner questions to find out more. Reassure my partner. The most important thing is to PRACTISE. Whatever goals you choose, try them out over the next few weeks. The more you practise, the better you will get.  

Now have a look at this sliding scale which shows the different ways couples deal with arguments.   Arguing all the time – shouting, criticising, blaming, walking out. Arguing most of the time. Arguing sometimes and not really getting things sorted. Arguing but listening to each other and agreeing to differ. Getting on well and sorting out differences Where do you think you and your partner are on this scale? Where do you think your partner would say they are? Are you both in the same place or is one of you OK and the other one not? Why might that be?  

All parents have disagreements. How you handle these can make a big difference to your relationship. When you and your partner argue, it can be harmful or helpful. This video shows some examples of harmful arguing. Have a look at these questions as you think about how you and your partner argue.• What harmful things do you say or do?• How do you think that makes your partner feel?• What do they do in response?• How does that make you feel?• How do you think this make your baby feel?• What happens next?   Why do arguments happen?   What are your logs? What are the things you and your partner argue about the most? What is your match? What usually starts an argument? How do you add fuel to the fire? What do you each do that makes it worse? What’s in your watering can? What can you do help calm things down?  

One of the reasons you find yourself getting into arguments is because of misunderstandings between you and your partner. When we’re tired and stressed, it’s easy to think the worst. Sometimes, an innocent comment can be taken the wrong way.   Everyone argues, but not everyone argues well. Getting better at arguing together can help you solve your problems before they get worse. The good news is that you can learn skills to help you get through arguments in a way that supports your relationship. There are three simple steps to arguing better: STOP TALK IT OUT WORK IT OUT   Step 1: STOP The first step is to STOP. This means staying calm and listening. You can’t always control the way you feel, especially when an argument starts. But you can have some control over how you respond. When you feel a conversation heating up, you can try some of these tips to help yourself say calm: Take some deep breaths. Relax your shoulders. Count to 10. Take some time out. Go out for a walk with your partner. Do you find yourselves arguing about the same things over and over again? Sometimes an argument isn’t about what it first seems. An argument about money, or who does what, or who looks after the children, is rarely just about that. Understanding the root of the argument can help you talk about the things that are important to you. Have a look at this diagram which show the things people argue about the most.   Step 2: TALK IT OUT The second step is to talk through what’s going on. To do that, we have to two things: See it differently. Try to see things from your partner’s point of view. Speak for myself. Use ‘I’ statements to talk about how you are feeling. You can help avoid arguments by using a soft ‘start up’ A harsh ‘start up’ is when you go straight in with a criticism or a mean comment. It can feel like an attack and may be met with a defensive response. A soft ‘start up’ is a gentler way of bringing something up, that focuses on the issue at hand without blaming the other person. It might start with “I feel…”   Step 3: WORK IT OUT Once you are able to stay calm and talk about it, you will be able to look for solutions you can both agree on. This might be a good time to check in with your goals. Did you manage to set any? How are your getting on? Whether or not you set a goal, you might like to set a goal now. You might set a goal to do with staying calm when you feel yourself getting upset in a disagreement with your partner. You can use some of the suggestions above.  

You’ve just seen a situation going badly. In this video, Liam criticised Naomi about spending money. Naomi reacted by defending her position. This led to a harmful argument. Liam and Naomi were: Critical Defensive Blaming each other Trying to win the argument In the next video, you will see the same situation going better.  

In this video did you see what happens what happens when Liam and Naomi STOP and TALK IT OUT. What did Naomi do differently? Did you see how she stayed calm and listened? How did this make it easier for Liam to respond? Why was Liam able to see things from Naomi’s point of view? How did this help the conversation? Next time you find yourself getting drawn into an argument with your partner, remember – the first step is to STOP. STOP: Stay calm and listen.TALK IT OUT: Speak for yourself and try to see things from [_your partner_]’s point of view.WORK IT OUT: Negotiate and problem-solve. John Gottman, a famous relationship researcher, found that couples have better relationships when their positive moments outweigh their negative moments. For every negative moment between you and your partner, you need five positive moments to balance it out. At the beginning of this section, we asked you to think about this Sliding Scale and identify where you and your partner might be. Arguing all the time – shouting, criticising, blaming, walking out. Arguing most of the time. Arguing sometimes and not really getting things sorted. Arguing but listening to each other and agreeing to differ. Getting on well and sorting out your difference. Now you can begin to think about where you would like to be, and how you might get there. Here are some questions to get you started: What would make it better for you? What would make it better for your baby? What would you be doing differently? What was happening when things went well?   Now it’s time to set some goals. A goal can be a thing you want to happen, or a way you want to be. Goals are a good way to make sure you use the new skills you are learning.   How to set goals What would you like to do differently? You can set goals by going to your account and clicking on ‘Goals’. Then you can either choose your own goal or pick one from our list: Stay calm – count to 10 before I respond. Listen to my partner without jumping in. Try to see it from my partner’s point of view. Notice when I criticise. Take a break if I start getting angry. Say two positive things to my partner every week. The most important thing is to PRACTISE. Whatever goals you choose, try them out over the next few weeks. The more you practise, the better you will get. The most important thing is to PRACTISE. Whatever goals you choose, try them out over the next few weeks. The more you practise, the better you will get.   

Well done for getting to the end! We hope you’ve enjoyed working through this programme. To finish things up, we’d like to ask you some questions to help us understand your experiences better. Your feedback will help us improve this service so we can offer the best support to other couples like you, as they become parents. These questions should take about 10 minutes to complete, and there are no right or wrong answers. Thank you.