Been with my partner nearly a year and really love and care about him but it just lacks any lust or passion from him. He says he has rejection issues from a previous relationship and uses that as a reason to never come on to me even though I have never rejected him in any way. He has had a previous relationship since. When we first met, he used to brag about how she was young and pretty – even tried to get me to high five a few times at his accomplishment which I did find really disrespectful, yet I persisted with seeing him.

He also has in a way bragged or just mentioned how he used to get up to all sorts of sexual things and how with the past two relationships they would have sex wherever and that he really fancied and wanted the one who rejected him a lot. (My past has probably been, shall we say, more colorful and adventurous than his. I just don’t feel the need to tell him every little detail as he's a jealous guy anyway and its never nice knowing too much as you just envision you partner doing those acts with people from your past, plus I am still like that, I don’t think you should say all the good things you used to do then become a monk in the current relationship.)

With me, though, I have to do everything. If I don’t try it on with him nothing happens and I have to build him up to wanting sex with touching, kissing his neck and body and other areas! All whilst he lies or sits there with his eyes closed barely touching me, sometimes not at all touching me until we actually have sex, even then it’s not a lot. I feel like sex for him is just a release. When that feeling has just built up to too much and needs releasing – and that isn’t a lot – I can get about once a week from him and that was even the same in the beginning. But, like I say, it's hard work to get there. It's never spontaneous and I never get any umff back.

I think intimacy in any form is a way to bond with your partner. I have mentioned to him it doesn’t have to lead to sex – sometime just kissing, real kissing and rubbing up against each other with just touching each other not even in sexual areas can be just as fun, but he says that leads to frustration which isn’t fun. We only tend to have sex in the evening on the sofa or in bed and the moves are very limited unless I suggest or just do something different. I tend to do 85% of the work.

We hug, cuddle, and peck kiss all the time. He loves a cuddle now which he said he has never liked before and actually used to flinch when I used to touch him, as I am quite tactile. He was never used to that and didn’t like ever to be touched but now actually wants that when we are together, even places my hand on his skin like a comfort thing. It just tends to lead to him falling asleep while I cuddle him. Which I do think is cute. I love being near him, just don’t want that all the time.

He does work nights so is generally tired all the time, which is the reason he says he's never in that mood as he needs to sleep yet manages to stay awake for hours – I mean 10 hours straight at times – on his computer talking to friends after a night shift, then just gets off to see me when he's tired and falls asleep straight away. He has asked me to try his game so we can play together but I don’t really like the game he plays, plus don’t want to friend zone myself even more than I feel like I am. I would try it once he can make me feel like his girlfriend, not friend or mother.

I try to just get a good kiss as we have never just made out or touched or felt up each other even since the beginning. I try and give him a kiss sometimes. I get about four seconds, then he just turns so I get his cheek to kiss or neck. I also do touch him, make comments about him looking good and how he turns me on as he is very insecure and loves a compliment, he almost asks for them. I never get the same back. I get called beautiful and he loves me – it is really sweet and it may be me being fussy but he calls his daughters beautiful. Yet, he has explained to me about previous girlfriend and people his slept with or people from the TV as hot and stunning.

When I am feeling up on him and kissing his neck I can see he likes it but I physically have to pick his hands up and put them on me – only on my back or leg but otherwise he will just sit and take it. I used to be quite confident and even though I don’t really like my body, I wouldn’t feel conscious with my past partner who I was with for 18 years. Even though I wasn’t particularly attracted to him we still had a sex life and i didn’t feel like he found me disgusting to touch or look at. I now feel like I need to cover up, as he never looks at me if I am naked while we are doing anything. Because of that and feeling like I am disgusting I have put on half a stone nearly, through being down. It must be me that’s not hot enough and through so much sexual frustration.

This does make him sound awful. He really isn’t and I know he really loves me. I do believe that and whenever I mention anything about this he gets defensive. I never actually get to say what I want to say without him become hostile, which is annoying as I want to do the specific things that I have found upsetting or let down by. Afterwards, he is down, thinking I am going to end it with him. He also has a lot of past and had a rubbish childhood which I know has made him very shut down, his family have said that, since we have been together, they have never seen him so relaxing in life and happy. I have even noticed he's a lot less angry from when I first meet him. I just wish there was more effort made as I do love him but won’t let myself feel like this for ever.

We both have children with past partners and I get mine looked after for date nights but he ends up eating whenever I have cooked in five mins, then 20 mins later is asleep on the sofa while I spend the evening by myself AGAIN, or if there are plans made to do something, quite a lot he has forgotten and is just asleep again, so I get dressed up or tell people I’m doing this, that, or the other where in fact I end up in my pjs by 7.00 again watching TV while he sleeps lying on me.

Sometimes I get a bit of intimacy from him if I try early enough in the evening before food. Often it's just me giving him pleasure thinking he may return that favor but once he's gone that’s it, I get a hug and his then asleep. I enjoy giving him pleasure – you normally do to someone you love and I have always had that returned but he doesn’t feel that need. I have suggested he needs counseling for all his past issues and the fact that it's not normal for a man in his 30s to have this little interest in sex. He does agree but won’t actually do anything about it. I even said to him I will be patient and one day it may all just change. I have said he needs to try a bit though to get his mind set in a different way and push himself a little but I don’t feel like he tries whatsoever.

Do I just be extra patient and hope one day it clicks and he has passion and lust? The trouble is the longer it's taking, the more I am struggling and my respect for him as a partner is fading. I then stop going to him and initiating anything but I know that won’t help as he needs that push to feel comfortable and try and break his habit. It just eats me up. Sometimes I have actually been touching him ‘you know where’, being nice and have tears in my eyes. He doesn’t know as his eyes are always closed. He doesn’t look at me but I feel stupid as I have never had to try so hard to get soo so little back in return with any past man I have been with.

The trouble is we do get on and are very similar in many ways. All our children get on ridiculously well and, as a family, we have just jelled but I would think we have been married 40 years and in our 70s the amount of effort and intimacy we have.