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“I’m having trouble having sex”

My partner and I have been together for nearly three years. An issue we have had for quite some time is that I need an actual connection and intimacy before I can have sex but, for them, sex is intimacy. Lately they said they have tried to initiate sex, and honestly my body just won't have it. I feel gross, and sometimes the thought of sex just makes my skin crawl because it doesn't appeal to me.

I enjoy the intimacy that can sometimes comes with sex, and I wish i could experience sex as enjoyably as would be deemed 'normal', but it's not something I can seem to do. It's been a really difficult part of our relationship because I do my best to support them, and be there for them in any way I can, but they don't think I love or care about them because I can't put out on command. And because of that they grow distant and think I want nothing to do with them, making me feel unwanted and more unable to feel a connection with them, and thus wanting to have sex even less.

And when I explain that it's that I don't feel a connection and or feel actual pain when they try to initiate, they just get pissed off and say they don't know what to do. We're both at a loss. They only feel that connection and intimacy through sex and because I don't feel the intimacy or feel wanted, I can't bring myself to have sex... Any advice?

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