The first step is usually to STOP arguing. This means staying calm, making sure you listen and being prepared to see things differently. You've just seen a situation going badly. In this situation, Mia was put in the middle of her parents’ conflict. Children can often feel like they’re being put into these different roles by their parents. Here are the roles Mia was put into: Spy. Asking your child questions about their other parent’s life can put them in the middle and make them feel like a spy. Judge. When you criticise or blame your ex in front of your children, they may feel confused. Children cannot be expected to judge who is right and who is wrong – they don’t like having to choose and shouldn’t have to stick up for either of you. Messenger. Parents often use their children to pass on information about money or arrangements. Being a messenger between parents can make children feel caught in the middle. Witness. Seeing or hearing conflict between parents is very stressful for children. They may worry that if you can stop loving each other, you might stop loving them too.   Skills There are three important skills that can help make it easier for you to reach agreements for your child.  1. Staying calm Staying calm is all about slowing down, keeping your emotions under control, and getting your thoughts in order. Take a deep breath. When you’re calm, you're in a better position to stop disagreements from escalating.  2. Listening Often, when we should be listening, we are too busy thinking about how we are going to reply. It’s not easy to listen to someone you don’t agree with, but you’ll reach an agreement much faster if you make the effort to understand the other person’s perspective before you respond. 3. Seeing things differently Stepping into your ex’s shoes might be the last thing you want to do. It's easy to assume the worst about someone you've separated from but looking at a situation from someone else's point of view can help you make sense of their behaviour. Now watch the next clip to see how things can go differently when parents use these skills.

Did you see how Mia’s dad stayed calm and listened? How would you feel about using the skills you’ve learned to talk with your child's other parent now? Click the 'start quiz' button.

Now listen to how each member of Mia's family felt in this situation.   Why was Naz asking Mia so many questions about all the new things in her mum’s house?  Naz might worry that Mia has more fun with her mum because she has more money than him. Having less money that the other parent might sometimes make you feel that you have less to offer. Naz could be trying to suggest to Mia that Sabina is spending money on herself or is being selfish, so that Mia won’t want to spend as much time with her. Why was Naz asking Mia if she was able to see her grandmother? Naz might be trying to encourage Mia to see her grandparents. When parents separate, it is important for children to keep relationships with other family members. Naz might be unsettled by Sabina's new partner, James. He could be looking for Mia to reassure him that she doesn't like James.  Now listen to how each member of Mia's family feel when things are done differently. 

The skills from the STOP section helped you prepare for difficult conversations. At this stage, TALK IT OUT, we take a look at how you can use these skills to help conversations go more smoothly. You've just seen a situation going badly. Here are ways in which Emily and Jordan have been put in the middle: Judge. When you criticise or blame your ex in front of your children, they may feel confused. Children cannot be expected to judge who is right and who is wrong – they don’t like having to choose and shouldn’t have to stick up for either of you. Messenger. Parents often use their children to pass on information about money or arrangements. Being a messenger between parents can make children feel caught in the middle. Witness. Seeing or hearing conflict between parents is very stressful for children. They may worry that if you can stop loving each other, you might stop loving them too. Reward and punishment. Spending time with either parent should never be treated as a reward or punishment. As long it’s safe, children do better when they continue to have a relationship with both parents. Skills When you need to talk something out, it can be helpful to keep things simple, focus on the most important point, and try to be polite. Speaking for yourself Does talking to your ex make you angry? Sometimes, it can feel like you're being blamed for everything: “You do this, you do that, you're a rubbish parent!”. You can’t change what gets said to you, but you can help keep things calm by voicing your own thoughts in a less confrontational way. Using ‘I’ statements When you want to talk about how you feel, it can be helpful to phrase it in the form of an ‘I’ statement. This involves stating what you feel and what you need. Try filling in the gaps with something you’d like to tell your child’s other parent: I feel _________ when you _________ because _________. What I need is _________. Being clear and sticking to the rules Do your discussions tend to move from a question about why your child hasn't done their homework to a shouting match about who is to blame for everything that's ever gone wrong? Keep things simple, and stick to one point at a time – you’re far more likely to be heard. 

Now watch the next clip and see how sticking to the rules and being clear helps these parents have a better conversation.

Claudia says, “I take all your crap and all your whining. He gets to be ‘Fun Dad’”. Why does she complain about Will to her children? By putting Will down, Claudia might hope that the children will reassure her that they appreciate the job she's doing as a parent. Claudia might be frustrated because the routines she relies on are not followed when the children are with their dad. Now listen to how each member of the family felt when things are done differently.

You’ve just seen a situation going badly. Look at the ways in which Josh was put in the middle and think how he might be feeling. Messenger. Parents often use their children to pass on information about money or arrangements. Being a messenger between parents can make children feel caught in the middle. Witness. Seeing or hearing conflict between parents is very stressful for children. They may worry that if you can stop loving each other, you might stop loving them too. Skills Negotiate Think about a situation in the past when negotiation was difficult and how you might do it better next time. Make a plan about what you might do next time you have to negotiate and update your goals to help you remember and check your progress.

Now watch the next clip and see how the "negotiate" skill improves things.

Now listen to how each member of Josh's family felt in this situation. Why does Carol insist that Dan should bring Josh home to see the fireworks at 4pm, instead of the usual 6pm? As Josh lives with Carol, she may feel responsible for trying to keep a sense of normality in his life. Carol doesn't want Josh to feel like he's missing out on anything when he's spending time with his dad. A clear and predictable routine can help separated parents and their children to know what to expect, but it can sometimes be difficult to stick to a rigid agreement. In these moments, it can helpful for both parents to work together and negotiate some flexibility. Now listen to how each member of Josh's family felt when things are done differently.

Well done! You have completed all three steps of Getting it Right for Children. You have learned essential skills which can help you communicate better with your ex-partner and keep disagreements away from your children. Think about the skills you have learned and now think about your communications with the other parent and the things you can do to improve it in the future. As you think about how you can use these skills, you might find it useful to set a goal to help improve communication in the future.