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A bit complicated

Hello everyone. I don't have any friends, and, I am a bit confused about stuff, so, I thought I could maybe try and share it with you guys and maybe get some feedbacks. Thank you.

So, me and my husband were together for 11 years. We have two kids. In the beginning, I felt free, and happy and everything was okay. He helped me out of a bad relationship, and I truly thought I had found my prince charming, but as time passed he started feeling frustrated with my behavior,- I was too lazy, nothing was clean enough, my food wasn't properly seasoned and similar. All small things, but things that made me feel like crap.

From that point on I always felt more alone, unloved and unappreciated by the day; and then he would do something or say something that would make me doubt myself and think it's all in my head. I lived like that for years. Every time I would doubt him, I would convince myself that it's in my head and that I am overreacting.

Now, let me be clear, I don't think he cheated on me or similar, that's not what I'm saying, it's more like - he's emotionally unavailable, he's in charge and gives me little crumbs of love here and there cause that's the best he can do... For our last marriage anniversary he told me that he has no clue what to give me, he has no strength to think about it and it's just putting a toll on his head, so, I suggested to buy myself a present in his name, and I organized the whole thing. (I know, I really sank low, right?)

Anyway, a few days later I met someone who made me realize how wrong things were, how low I thought of myself and I actually hated what I had become. After a lot of consideration I left my husband and we divorced. I found an apartment and I moved out. I was briefly with another person, but that didn't last.

Me and my now ex-husband stayed very close and after less than a year we got back together. We are 5 months together now. I moved back in the house,- although his insisting that I keep my apartment, (he says he's uncertain and he has trust issues) so he hasn't told his family nor to his friends to whom his speaks daily that we are together (he acts like I'm just there to see the kids or similar if they happen to call while I'm in the same room), and he has a friend who has a crush on him since she was little, she is also single now and they have reconnect. She lives in another country and he went there, alone with the kids, not long ago, to visit his family and his friends and, of course, he spent time with her there.

At the same time, back here, I get a message here and there, mostly because he's embarrassed to admit to them that he is with me,- and very suddenly, I lost my job. So I'm here alone, depressed, and I need him, and I try to reach out to him, but he is gone to hang out with her. I'm sending him messages, telling him how I really need him, but he's not even reading my messages, because he just has no time. "I went there to see them, not to spend my time chatting with you."

Again - am I crazy? Should I just have let him be and enjoy his vacation and shut up about my problems and feelings? His impression from this is that I'm jealous and possessive and that it's all in my head... So, okay, maybe he's right, I let it slide. Maybe he's right.

He's back from his vacation, he's still talking to all of them, still the same- "he's single", and, he's also talking to her. When he talks he's turning his phone so I cannot see what's written,- if I ask politely " What is she saying" he replies, "I don't know, didn't talk to her in a while" even tho I can see notifications from her. They are sending hearts, hugs, kisses and similar to one another and when I ask him about it he's conclusion is that I am paranoid, jealous and that he doesn't like her that way... I asked him would it be okay then to read the messages, so I can, once and for all, prove myself that it is actually all in my head, he declined. He says it's unfair for me to read his messages.

Am I wrong? Is this all innocent? Is it okay for him to pretend to be single while with me and talk to her that way? Should I just stay in the shadow and wait?... I'm really confused and don't know if my reactions are appropriate or not. Help me please. Thank you all for your time.

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